patch me up ♡ egobang

patch me up; make me whole

They hadn't been this bad in months - the voices in his head - they were screaming at him, telling him he was worthless, unloved, ugly, unwanted. Arin could barely even breathe, let alone think, as he'd stumbled up the stairs, nearly tripping more than once. It took him a few moments of blinded movements before he finally found his bathroom, practically falling into the room and ripping open the medicine cabinet.

Pills. His fucking pills. He hadn't taken them for three days, so caught up in Starbomb and Game Grumps and happiness to remember to take the medicine that kept him sane, that kept him going.

He fumbled four pills (an even number, always has to be an even number) from the orange bottle and swallowed them dry, more than the required dosage but he didn't care, he just needed the voices to stop.

They'd started a few days ago; a quiet whisper in his ear that he could easily ignore, barely even noticed they were there. However, they'd escalated, gradually gaining volume until they were yelling and he couldn't ignore them anymore. He'd quickly stopped the recording for the Steam Train episode and practically sprinted out of the office and into his car, leaving behind a deeply worried Ross and Dan, yelling his name.

Dan, god, Dan. Why hadn't Arin just told him the voices were back? Just said their safeword so Dan could've helped him. Dan always knew what to do. Why did he never fucking ask for help?

Because no one deserves to deal with your bullshit problems.

The voices had stopped their screeching now, had shriveled down into one voice, strong and clear and terrifying, in Arins ear.

"Shut up." He whispered, but the voice didn't listen.

Why would Dan ever worry about you? Look at you, fat, ugly, worthless. Dan deserves better than you. He doesn't really care.

"No, Dan loves me. Fuck off." He was trying to talk firmly, but the way his voice wavered betrayed him completely.

Who could ever love someone like you? Jesus Christ, Dan doesn't fucking love you. He's just using you for an easy lay and a roof to sleep under. Sleeping with the boss always has it's privileges, even when the boss is an ugly fucker like you.

Arin broke down then, collapsing to the floor with his hands painfully tight over his ears. He screamed aloud, yelled, shouted, did anything he could to try and blot out the voices but he couldn't, they were in his head, telling him all his worst nightmares, his deepest fears, over, and over again.

Which is why he didn't hear it when Dan came racing into the house, yelling his name. To him, it was just another voice, adding to all the others that had resumed their deafening shrieks.

Ross was with Dan, they'd both raced to Arins house together because sometimes, on the worst days, Danny couldn't handle Arin alone.

Today seemed to be one of those days. When Dan tried to touch Arin, to gather him up in his arms, Arin flailed away, almost punching Dan, and his shrieks got louder.

"Arin?" That voice. Dan's voice. Like a lighthouse in the dark. It cut through the shrieks and screams, floating around Arins head and offering minor relief from the screaming, "Arin, buddy? I need you to listen to me, okay?"

Arin's screaming softened at the sound of his boyfriends voice. He remained in terrified silence for a second until his heaving breathing turned into loud, wailing sobs. He stayed curled up on the bathroom floor, rocking slightly, unable to force himself to look at Dan.

"You don't have to do anything major, it's okay if you can't manage it at all, but I need you to try and sit up for me, okay? Just sit up, that's all you gotta do."