The Art of Music

The Music I Love

I had always felt like something in my life was missing. Something never felt right. There was just that empty void in my chest that said that I needed something. Desperately. I always ignored it because of everything that has happened to me over the years. Stuff that shouldn't happen to anyone ever yet, I had to go through it all. Drugs. Abuse. Rejection. I had always been abused by my parents because they had never loved me. From the moment I was born, I had been neglected. Only being fed about once a week and only being allowed to use a portable toilet. It was more meant for younger kids and I always felt humiliated. I eventually got a job and was able to buy my own apartment and was able to support myself.

I had friends. I went to school. I was able to do somethings that no one else could do on their first try. I had my one talent. My one, single talent. No one knew I could do what I did though because I kept it relatively secret. The only ones who knew were my classmates. It felt nice to have people with the same interests as me but I also at the same time felt alone because I didn't have many friends. Sure there was Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Petra but I couldn't really count them as close friends. The closet friends I had were Hanji and Erwin but even then I avoided them. My past has traumatized me so much that I no longer care.

I looked down at the pieces of paper that sit on my music stand. The black notes sit there, waiting to be played. The song was one I had written myself but have yet to play to anyone else. I brought the metal mouth piece to my mouth and put my hands in their respective places. My left index, middle, and ring finger where the keys were then my thumb and pinkie in their holding rings. I have no idea what they are called. Then I put my right hand inside the bell of the instrument. It felt natural to do this now. I had done it so many times before and I had grown accustomed to it.

I blew into the mouth piece. The air traveled through the twisting metal and came out of the bell with a beautiful sound. The first time I did make a noise on the instrument, it made my ears cringe but as I continued to practice over the years, I got better and better. The sounds almost made me feel like I was complete. Like I could temporarily fill that missing gap in my life.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could never fill that gap.

~~**~~**~~**~~

I sat in my bed and stared down at the sketch pad that lay before me. The blacks, greys, and whites stood there and made up a picture. I hadn't known what to draw when I had first started this drawing but eventually I came to draw an instrument. Why, I don't know but it made me feel that it could help me find that missing piece in my life. It was as if the drawing had been a clue to find the something or someone that was missing. I didn't know quite what it was just that I always had that feeling that something in my life was missing. Something that made me feel the need to draw more and more so it would bring me closer to filling that hole.

I looked out my window and towards the horizon. The mountains sat there with that beautiful layer of snow on top of them as they always did in winter. They were one of the things I found myself drawing quite often. It was something that would calm me down whenever I thought of how beautiful they were. The snow in the winter made them even more beautiful and I almost never wanted to look away.

The drawing of the instrument I had drawn was one I know I had seen and heard of but I didn't remember the name of. It was in a kind of circular shape with the twisting metal inside that circle and then the bell of the instrument jutting away from the circle. It was a beautiful instrument and I wanted to play it but I never found anyone who could teach me. I didn't take band class at school because I thought I would be judged. So I never got to learn how to play the beautiful music that came from that beautiful brass instrument.

I kept to my secret which was drawing. I would draw nature. I would draw people. I would draw my dreams. I would draw almost anything. If it fit my mood, I would draw it. I usually drew when I was bored or just needed to kill time.

But these drawings in this certain sketch book were the clues I needed to find that missing piece in my life. That one thing I needed to feel complete. With out that piece, I would always become lost in my search and I would never be happy until the one day when I did find that person. I had made it my life's goal.

~~**~~**~~**~~

I listened to the music tapes I had found online. They helped me figure out how to play the new notes I learned correctly even though I new most of them. F natural was first finger. A natural was first two fingers. B natural was middle finger. G sharp was the second and third fingers.

I found that the notes I played rarely ever used the third finger to use to get the right pitch but I didn't mind. The notes would just sound perfect as they came out of my instrument. My favorite note was F natural. It was a simple note that wasn't too high and wasn't too low. It was perfect and simple.

The music sat on my stand, beckoning me to play it but I knew very well that I had to go to sleep as the new school year was starting tomorrow.

I stood up and walked across the room to the case that sat open. I put the instrument inside them closed the case, fastening it with the locks. Next I put my music back in my folder then folded my stand back up. I put the stand and the folder in my backpack then went and changed into my pajamas. I flopped down on the bed and went to sleep, only to have these horrid nightmares haunt me again.