Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about her. Stop freaking thinking about her. She's just a girl-but her smile, did you see the way she looked at me, maybe she -
"Vonte bruh what are you doing"
I must have been pretty zoned out cause Brian is looking at me like I'm some type of zombie..
"I'm good blood, just some shit on my mind" I tell him.. It's halfway the truth.. It's been a couple days since I saw her.. Since I felt the click.. 3 days and 6 hours to be exact but hey whose counting ..
"Aye B what if... You know settled down?"
"You vonte, settling down ? Yeah and then kanye will run for president, you wildin b, settling down" He manages to get the words out between laughs.
"Yeah right I was just trying to see your reaction, we don't love these hoes but hey I'll be right back gotta make a phone call" I walk outside the back door and into the back yard. 7: 57. Shit she should still be up.
"Aye Des, You busy I need a favor" Vonte 7:58
"Nah Wassup" Des 7:58
"_This girl at your church.. I can't remember her name, tall dark, glasses, braces"Vonte 7:59
"Kaiona??" Des 7:59
"Yeah her does she have a nigga or anything.. I ..kinda like her..." Vonte 8:00
5 minutes.
10 minutes...
Fuck it's been 20 minutes .. No reply... Maybe she wasn't interested...
I stare at my phone and just wait.. What I was thinking I couldn't even remember her name.. It was stupid..
You know she would never love you. Nobody does... And if she did she wouldn't stay.. Why would she look at yourself.
Shut up. It's back the voice... Shut up.. Block it out don't listen.. Ignore it..
You can't hide from me. I speak the truth.. She'll leave you. Like they all do.. Aren't I always right? If your dad didn't stay why would she? Well that's if you ever even get her to notice you.. I mean look at you.. Your a fucking joke..
Ignore it.. I tell myself.. Just keep moving... I'm shaking now ... And I can barely walk into my house.. Brian car is gone it's just me here now...
Hey vonte listen to me I'm here to help.. You don't want her.. Remember what Noelle did to you? Kendle? Jordan? They all left you as soon as they heard about the voices... They all found better.. Don't you think she'll do the same? Come on listen to me... You know I'm right.. After all .. Aren't I always here for you?
Maybe it's right after all... I started to shake less... No more fighting it.. I just want to feel anything but this ... Tell me what to do..
Good Vonte... Good.. Now you see that bottle of vodka? Drink it. All of it .. And you will forget all about Noelle and that Kaiona chick. You'll forget about your dad all of it
I don't even hesitate to grab the bottle... The first swallow burns my throat.. But I chug it.. And before long it's empty.. It didn't work! I still see her face.. I still hear Noelle's voice telling me that she Just needs time and distance... That she loves me but wants to see other people.. I hear it all .. I remember it all fuck this isn't working and my leg is shaking... I feel tears , I feel fuckin tears. I don't want to feel at all.. Not this.. Voice whatever you tell me to do I'll do it.. Just take this away...
Break the glass bottle.
I smashed the bottle on the floor. Now what?
Take the glass and scratch your wrist.. If you scratch hard enough you'll body will get rid of all the memories.. Trust me..
I take the glass and press against my wrist.. Move it quickly.. A white line appears.. This is it?
Harder and faster. Just swipe right across the vein..
I do as I'm told... And I see it the blood bubbles up.. And I feel it.. The relief... I've missed this feeling.. I swipe again and again and again.. Pressing the glass harder and harder. I've never felt better the blood is dripping down my arm from wrist.. And I'm in control.. I can control this pain.. *cuts deeper* "_I'm in control!" I scream at the top of my lungs.. *cuts* bleed. I'm on the other arm now.. J can't let it wear off..
Now...You really want to not feel anything? See those pills? Swallow them all of them.. Nobody will miss you.. Just trust me..
I reach for the pills... And *buzz*
"Nope she's single and she thinks your cute, I gave her your number" Des -9:15
I stare at the bottles of pills.. She thinks I'm cute. M she thinks I'm cute... I fall clueless to the blood dripping down my arm she thinks I'm fuckin cute!
She'll leave you to. Trust me swallow the pills.. Don't let her be like everyone else.
I reach for the pills _-
"Hey it's Kaiona"Kaiona 9:45
I stare at my phone... It's her , U feel that feeling again... That familiar feeling.. That feels like home. On my God... I look at my wrist... Dropping the pills... What have I done... I stare at my phone and the room starts spending.. And now everything is going bla-...
