My Secret Angel

Chapter 5

     My throat felt tight. My chest heaved as I struggled to breathe. I promised myself that he would never find out, I swore it, and now he's holding my biggest secret in the palm of his hand. I'm such a fuck up. I should've put them somewhere else, or just not let him pick me up. Either way, I was now faced with one of the hardest decisions in my life. Should I lie to him? Or tell him the truth and come clean about everything?

     It was hard to think as my vision became blurry and my throat kept closing in. A cold sweat broke out on my face and neck as I started trembling. I felt like I was going to be sick. Slowly, the pieces started snapping into place; panic attack. I was having a panic attack because of my stupid mistake.

     When my vision became slightly clearer, I saw Niall, a petrified look on his face. He'd never seen me have a panic attack; they usually only happened right after my dad came home drunk and beat me until I wasn't even sure if I was breathing or not. Those nights I had always dreaded, but just thinking about having his strong arms wrapped protectively around me was always enough to calm me down.

     Taking deep breaths, I was able to calm myself down completely and stand up straight, looking directly at Niall. His ocean blue eyes darkened with unshed tears that came with the story I was about to tell. His delicate face held a look of confusion, but also concern. Seeing your best friend having a panic attack for the first time is never easy, and it doesn't get any easier after that either.

     I didn't even know where to begin. Maybe explain what just happened? No matter what I knew he'd have questions, or a comment, because everyone always does when other people tell those they're close to. My secret is definitely not something I'm proud of, but it's a part of who I am and it's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. I have no idea what Niall's reaction will be, but I'm glad if I'm telling anyone, it's him.

     Taking a deep breath, I thought over exactly what it was I wanted to say. I knew that after this our relationship could change forever. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Niall was starting to get frustrated; with what, was a mystery to me. I wasn't sure if it was because I wasn't talking and giving him the explanation I know he deserves, or if it was a result of a battle he was fighting in his own mind, but I knew if I didn't act quickly there was a possibility I would lose him forever, and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that.

     "Arianna? Are you okay?"

     His soft voice broke me out of my racing thoughts. Turning to look at him, I could see the unmistakable fear in his eyes. He slowly approached me and sat me down on the couch. I thought he might sit close and comfort me but it seemed he wanted to be as far away from me as possible as I watched him sit down on the loveseat, which was the furthest piece of furniture away from me.

     "I- I'm fine, Niall. I know you're probably lost and confused, so I'm going to tell you a little story. But before I begin, what you just witnessed was me having a panic attack. Trust me, I know it can be scary. I'm okay though, it's not the first time. Just before I explain everything, promise you won't get mad or leave me?"

     I could hear the desperate tone in my voice, but I couldn't bring myself to care. If I lost Niall, I lost everything and I wasn't ready to deal with that. He's always been by my side, and if I lost my best friend, I'm scared I'd also lose myself. He's helped me through everything and he has acted like the glue to mend my shattered heart. I owe him my life, and without him I'll lose it for sure.

     "I promise, Aire. But please just tell me, what the fuck is going on? Why was it so important for you to go on a walk so late at night alone? Why the hell did you have a blade in your pocket? And why do I get the feeling that you didn't actually go for just an innocent stroll?"

     Niall was out of breath and close to fuming, the blade still resting in the palm of his hand. We were already sitting down so at least he could brace himself for what he was about to find out. Sometimes it's not worth solving the mystery or pushing for an answer. Of course I didn't want to tell Niall, but I wasn't going to sit here and lie to my best friend either. I'd rather just get this over with so I don't have all this guilt and secrecy in the back of mind every waking moment of my life... It's time he knew the truth.

     "I'm holding you to your promise then. I will answer all your questions but just bear with me. Listen to the whole story, and then whatever happens after will be your decision. You're right, I didn't go out for a simple walk, I went back to my old house because I forgot something that I knew I couldn't live without, but I knew you wouldn't let me go back. So I decided that after you were asleep I'd sneak out, grab what I forgot and just come back before you even knew I left. Obviously that plan failed. The blade that you're holding in your hand is mine, and I have about four more in my pocket. T-things got really bad, Ni. There were times my dad would come home so drunk he didn't recognize me, which made the beatings even worse. There were times I wasn't even sure I was still alive. He caused me so much physical pain, but after I found the first blade it didn't seem as bad. I started cutting the pain away, it helped me forget the hell he put me through every day. Those days where I told you I was cold and was wearing my sweater, was actually to hide the marks on my wrist. When they healed, I covered the scars with makeup so you'd never find out. Eventually the cutting stopped working and the beatings got worse. I-I didn't know how to handle it alone anymore. I know you'd try to help me, but I couldn't have you getting involved. He started finding new ways to torture me, raping me almost every night and letting his friends take turns pleasuring themselves with my body. He bought a whip and used that as punishment when I didn't comply with his demands. I felt so dirty, so used. All I wanted was an escape, death seemed like a reasonable option. One night I gathered all my sleeping pills and took them, hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning, and I didn't. But I did the day after that. I was upset it didn't work, but I realized I was kind of grateful it didn't work because I knew I could never leave you. I never wanted you to know, Niall. I know you would've helped me stop, but I didn't want to. I had finally found a way to escape the pain, if only for a little while. Over time I started collecting them; pencil sharpeners at school, razors, broken knives, anything that would work. I know I should've told you but I just couldn't. I didn't want you to worry about me more than you already did. I'm so sorry, Niall. If I could take it all back, I would."

     I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a wet drop land on my hand, which were folded in my lap. I was scared to look up at Niall, scared to see what his reaction would be. I could hear him shuffling on the couch, but I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye. Feeling the couch sink beside me, I raised my head slightly so I could see out of my peripheral vision, and I saw my best friend. Feeling his hand cup my cheek, I leaned into his touch, finally being able to look him in the eye. He has tears streaming down his face, in a similar fashion to me. His strong arms wrapped around my body, and I clung to him as if he were the oxygen I needed to breathe. My hands gripped his t-shirt while his hand softly stroked my hair. I tucked my head into the crook of his neck, while his chin rested on top of my head. I could feel every tear as it fell against my scalp, and it left me heartbroken. Sobs ripped through my body as I tried to catch my breath, which failed. I was so scared what Niall was going to do, I couldn't handle rejection. I had nothing. Without him, I was nothing.

     "Niall, p-please say-y something," I managed to choke out through my tears and desperate cries.

     "I honestly don't know what to say. I thought we told each other everything. Do you not remember the promise we made to each other all those years ago? No lies, remember? That includes hiding stuff, Ari. Of course I'd want to fucking help you! Your dad's a manipulative bastard who used fear to control you and everything you did. He made you his personal play toy, and you thought the only way to stop it was to cut and trying to kill yourself. You could've told me. We would've figured this out together. I just really wished you had fucking told me."

     I could hear the pain behind his voice, and my heart clenched at the sound. His next words broke me. I literally felt myself shatter into a million more pieces.

     "I, Arianna, I just need some time," he whispered into my hair. With that, he unwrapped his arms from around my waist, placed my body beside his on the couch and got up. I watched with glistening eyes as he grabbed his keys and walked out the front door.