my immortal damage

Part 1: Memories and pain

I woke up at 6 o'clock in the morning , opened my eyes ,stared at the walls then i thought of what i should do . those are every single thing i do every morning those days , i was lonely and trapped in emptyness and silence and i didn't mind because i'm a loner i prefer to be alone rather than being with people that i don't like ( i prefer cats or dogs ) but it was a bad feeling 

I took a shower and i put my clothes on , it was a t-shirt  one of my favourite band Nirvana , a black jeans and a black converse , i like black but my parents don't want me to wear black things because they think i worship the devil and shits ... that's so funny . 

I went to the kitchen and i had my break fast and last but not least i took my time to watch the sun rising and the birds singing , it's a wonderful thing to be away from violence and the shits and the lies of people , living alone was a good choice but it gets boring sometimes by the way i have a family composed of only one sister and she's older than me and a mother and a father i'll talk about them later i don't live with them since 17 i live in the house next them and sometimes i go to them to say hi i'll talk about that later too . So i came back to my bed thinking of what i did and what i should do thinking about the past that always make me suffer and always keep crossing my mind .

Mental disease that's what they said when they saw me crying with blood in my right hand trying to hold the pain , all what they did was seeing me dying and drowning in depression , no one tried to give a hand or a help . death was waiting me i totally gave up i was depressed and so down and no body cared , lifeless with a big hole in my heart , tears are getting down with my blood . red , red was the last thing i saw after my teacher Clara that saw me ( she's my teacher of music , the kind of people i like and my best teacher ) and in a blink of an eye i lost my consciousness and i fainted for a while till i woke up in the hospital with my mom next to me crying and saying " oh my son , my precious son " i began to open my eyes and i saw my friend Sam whispering to my ears " welcome back brother , you made us worry about you ,i'll be here till you feel better" i couldn't say anything i was confused and couldn't do anything i saw my dad talking to the doctor i heard them saying "he lost alot of blood he's lucky that he's alive he has many severed veins and he's now alive thanks to Mrs Clara help . Please take care of your son or you'll lose him soon " those were everything i heard after i returned to sleep .

I woke up from the nightmare that i was living in which i was thinking of suicide try it was a harmful flash back , i took my guitare i locked the door and i turn off the light and i began to sing that's what i do when i remember a memory that cause me pain , i sang a song that i wrote when i was alone with no one by my side it says :

who crys in bed

who's dead inside 

who laughs when he's sad

who always hides

who cuts in the dark

to hide all the pain

and smile for the feeling

when the blood out from the vein 

keep going , keep going 

don't ever look back when you go

keep going , keep going

please don't make me regret everything , you know 

it's just another suicide kid dying

who left for death

who feel like a dog 

who left with no breath

with his mind in a fog

drowning in the deep

and no one ever cared

nightmare in my sleep

and everywhere

keep going , keep going

don't ever look back when you go

keep going , keep going 

please don't let me regret everything , you know

it's just another suicide kid dying

I stopped and i saw the wall where there are pictures of mine when i was normal when everything was simple and easy i was happy in the pictures next to me was my old sister who appeared in pictures a real smile a bright one and she held my hand like she love me and care about me we were young back to that memory my dad took that picture i guess in christmas evening and my mother was in the kitchen cooking dinner for us for the happy family i can't forget the laugh and the talks of ours and the jokes that my father always tells it's all in my head

Suddenly i heard my best friend Sam calling me , Sam is my best friend since 5 he's so close to me he knew everything about me and he's my only friend for now he's an asshole sometimes but he's still a good friend we went out together walking to our best place "the house of tree" beside the river and we were talking about my life and how it's become

" so what we gonna do about you , how we gonna change you , you need to talk to people stop feeling mad about everything " he said trying to conveince me 

"i'll be okay but this life still sucks still fake as much as your smile and talk to the girls that you want to make love with them" i said like i don't care 

"stop it i'm perfect you are jealous because you don't have friends like me and girls like me i'm the best"

"okay i don't like perfection and i don't like people and i'm not a human"

"you don't like anything you are insane stop it how you gonna live in this world"

"i can handle myself thanks to your cre anyway"

"you are my brother"

"yea i know"

and we stopped talking i put my earphones and i was listening to a metal band as usual a new one a song called "keep me alive" i was enjoying my music and Sam was smoking cigarettes till we almost get to our house of tree we went there and suddenly we saw something we can't imagine i didn't believe what i saw i was having many thoughts in my mind i couldn't say anything ,it all became dark in my eyes .