We Got That Thug Love (Urban Love) (On Hold)

Chapter 18

So you guys, this is a pretty deep chapter with the fact that I am putting my feelings of how I felt this year with a close family member of mine died not too long ago. it was actually in January sooo...this is just how I felt during the whole process and also adding ramira's feelings to so please enjoy and RIP to those at rest and bless you who are reading this and have also lost someone. Love you guys...

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Ramira

You know that feeling you get when your heart feels so heavy, its start to weigh you down and your legs become weaker and weaker by the second. Or when your body is aching with so much hurt and pain that you just want to lay in a bed and hope it goes away. When you tears run down so far that you can feel them on your neck. When you have to keep taking deep breaths to not hyperventilate. When you want to scream at the sky until your last breath is taken away from you. To claw at your skin and get out of it because it just feels like a skin of guilt. To pound the ground because it shouldn't have happened.

She shouldn't have left.

She shouldn't have committed suicide.

I didn't have to curse her out.

I didn't have to give her that face.

Not knowing that would be my last time looking at her eyes.

My last time giving her that hug in her room.

 My last time telling her I love her.

If only I had knew...

I wipe my tears again and blow my nose trying to push my thoughts away. I put in my pearl earning's and run my hands over my dress. I take a shaky breath looking at myself. My eyes are red and puffy. My hands are shaking, my breathing is short, my legs are weak, and my stomach is doing flips. I grab my dresser to steady myself. Why did it have to be today or any day at all? I don't want to have to face this fact. To have to look at Michael and Jasmine crying. I have to stay strong for three, yet I can barely stay strong right now. I have been so stressed with everything on my shoulders. The guilt is eating at me. I have experienced this pain since my father died, and I sure as hell didn't miss it. But this was worse seeing as though she left this word with us not being on good terms.

I'm starting to regret every single night I didn't say, "Hey ma, I know we not on good terms right about now, but I still love you." To give her a hug and see her smile. The days when we would laugh together and just smile. I turn my head when I hear a knock at my door.

"Limo is here, Ramira." I hear Michael say. I nod and grab my clutch. I have tissue, my phone, my ray bans since they are the darkest, my phone, and my letter that I can hopefully read. I turn out the light and walk out my door making my way to the stairs. I take a stair by stair trying hard not to fall. My feet feel like cement blocks and my heart feels like a brick. My hands feel like they are burning and my mind feels dizzy. See the affects of guilt? I make it to the last step and sigh. I walk to the limo and climb in sitting between Michael and Jasmine. Across from us are Duwanye and Lewis.

I take out my Ray Banns and slip them, trying to prepare for the worst. I invited whoever my mom knew and also the people who have helped us during our time of struggling. I also told them that if they knew anyone my mom talked to then they could invite them to. Michael laid his head on my shoulder, so I began rubbing his head looking out the window. This is going to be a silent ride.