Messed Thoughts

Blah Blah Blah

Prologue

"What do you think about this photo? Shall we keep it?"

I turned my head as I realized my manager, Jim, was not talking to me. Obviously. The artistic director answered him right after. I followed their discussion for a bit until I got annoyed. A debate about in which photo do I share the better message, not mine, the one they want me to deliver, was not the most interesting thing ever. I lay even more in the sofa.

Today I was doing a photoshoot for a kind of vintage-grungy-stylish brand that was going quite huge these times. I still don't know if I liked it, but I have to admit some clothes were not that bad. I used to not be really comfortable in front of the camera, but somehow I managed to find a few poses to not look too ridiculous anymore. Anyway, people did not seem to find a difference. Jim says to me sometimes "After all, whatever you do, everybody will like it".

Jim is maybe my only friend in this business. I know him for years now. He is my first and last manager. He is a real sweetheart. Most of the time he is smiling and really cheerful which is really contrasting with his appearance. We really are opposites.
When I saw him at the agency, even though he was younger, maybe 26 years old, Jim with his massive shape was walking nonchalantly. His light brown hair was cut really short, his dark eyes where fixing nowhere but me. I think everybody in the room had noticed his strong jawline which was perfectly matching his tanned skin. He just looked like a soldier who came back from war. Any girl that was my age must had been intimidated at this moment. I have no idea anymore as a 15 years old teenager, if I was scared by him after this first strong impression. I did not have too much power on my choice of manager but he was the more convincing between all the other candidates. My agency presented him to me after they signed the contract. Then I knew his name was Jim Ortunio and he was going to take me on the way of glory. He is someone really professional, determined and if he could lay on the ground and let people walk on him to make me more famous, probably he will. I found the perfect manager and I am really thankful, I own him a lot. We are really close now, no, I don't mean it as another relationship level, but as good co-workers. He invited me to his wedding, his whole family was there. And now his wife is pregnant, I can't wait to see his progeny.

"And what do you think about this one?"

Oh, they are still arguing about which photo to choose? It's funny how people can irritate me for nothing sometimes.

"Hum? Are you speechless today?"

Plus the artistic director does not want to answer. Why? So tiring.

"Devon?"

I stupidly realized he was talking to me.

"Yes what is the matter ?" I said it really quickly with a funny tone, it sounded so weird.

"Come back to us, Devon. Look at this pic, we think it is the better one" Jim said it as he was rolling his eyes. It's been a few days he acts a little bit impatient. Or maybe I am the one who is annoying and he can't stand it anymore.

I nodded and I took the picture he was holding . It was actually a polaroid one, I enjoyed this particularity of the shooting.
In this one I was laying on the counter. I look bored as always, my chin resting on my hand. They covered my eyelids with a strong burgundy eye-shadow. My peroxided hair was hiding my collarbone. They put me a choker, it made me feel like a dog. Fortunately, I was wearing a simple black crop top. I would not say I am drop dead gorgeous but I think I am pretty. When people describe me, they generally say I have unique hazel eyes, big dark circles, an incredible cheekbones structure, a tiny rounded nose and up-turned lips. Well, I think I have a strange round face. Despite my hair is really crazy, wild and thick, I actually do like it. The dimples when I smile too. My look allowed me to do some modeling stuffs and I am quite pleased by these opportunities.
The set was awesome. We shot in a little grocery. If we take a closer look, we can see all the details. They make the picture alive. I tend to think details always make difference.
As I said, I look bored here. The problem is that I am always. I don't want to be one of these girls who always place themselves on a superior stair, who think they are better than everyone and will not hesitate to claim it. I have this thing called attitude that make you arrogant only by the way you walk or the way you hold your glass of water. It's really annoying. I am rude most of the time but I always take precautions to not show it in front of the camera. I change my plans at the last minute. I am not easily beard. I am hypocrite. I only like some types of food, I have not found someone pickier than me yet. My mind is always somewhere else. I still act like a teenager. I am so childish. I could make a list, but I have to focus on the photography right now. Or not. I don't care about it anyway.

"Well, it is not bad." I looked at Jim exasperated.

"Common Devon, you could make some efforts" he answered even more exasperated as me.

"Sorry, I am doing it again... Wow, it is so inspiring, I have never seen a better shot in my entire life!" I tried to say it sarcastically with a high-pitched tone but it just came off with a cracked voice.

"Are you sick? Do you know you are going back in the studio in a few time? "

Oh yes, I have already forgotten about it. I have to make my third album soon or I will lose fans and it would make damages on the recipe.
My fans. I used to be really closed, mentally and physically to them, until one day, when a crazy "fan" tried to bite me as we were taking a selfie on her phone, and when I received a letter written with blood accompanied by a used panty liner. Disgusting. I lived many other experiences and I don't trust them anymore.
It took me many time to get used to them. I mean, how can some people idolize me because of the way I look, my fake personality or my "work". They don't understand I am a basic person? It still scares me sometimes when some girls get really excited and intimidated to be in front of me.

I looked what was happening around me. The staff started to tidy the set. The artistic director, the photograph and some representers of the brand were having a business conversation. The makeup artists already left a long time ago. Then I was sitting passively on a quite comfortable sofa. I could have sleep there due of my lack of resting time. I have been really busy lately.

"Let's make a selfie for social media" Jim appeared from nowhere. He was really enthusiastic, contrary to a few minutes ago, but he sounded fake.
Deep inside of me, I told him "I don't want to" but I simply agreed.

I took my phone and posed with the set in my back. I smiled and stuck out my tongue. I think it came out quite funny. Then I put in caption "Thanks for having me today! I had so much fun. It's a honor to be the new face of the brand". I posted it quickly without reviewing.

I looked at Jim who was already staring. He seemed to wait for me to speak.

"Done. What do I have to do now?" I said it unpleased.

"You are so unpleasant, Devon. You really have to make some efforts. We all have expectations from you and you can't be like this anymore." Jim was burning inside, I could see it. But his words hurt me like a cannon ball. I didn't had the power to deny what he said because I know he was right even if I didn't understand his rude behave. I thought I could count on him. I don't know what happened to him. Am I too sensitive? I decided to not answer him and I looked in front of me as an excuse.

"Don't you see no one stand by you?" he continued. Now he was really going too far. Why do I always have to be reminded and scared about what people think of me. It's like all my life turn around this stupid thing. I am so tired of it.

I really contained myself to not open my mouth. I needed an issue. As I tightened my fists, I started to walk automatically, looking for the exit.
I am not sure if Jim was calling me. I didn't listen to him anymore. From now, his words will never reach me again. Nobody will make me feel bad.

What people say is only blah blah blah. Everything is.

I left the set not looking behind me.