Silence is the Biggest Lie

02 - don't get it twisted.

song of the chapter: fuck em only we know - banks

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"This sucks. While I'm sulking in my room all summer, Ivory is gonna be getting it on with my next door neighbor," I tell Dominick.

I'm ranting to him, while he's rummaging through his pantry. He finally brings out a bag of barbecue chips that aren't open until he tears apart the top of the bag.

"I don't understand why you're getting so upset," he tells me, stuffing a bunch of chips in his mouth at once. He continues with a full mouth. "She told you that the reason she wanted to break up with you was because Gabby died and you weren't being fun anymore. That's fucked up."

I rolled my eyes. "She didn't mean it," I retort.

"Well then, maybe she's not gay," he suggests, shrugging. Once his mouth is empty, he stuffs more chips in his mouth. Then, he offers me the bag.

I take it from him, pouting. "She thinks she's bisexual."

"Well there you have it," he says. "That's double the competition."

I grab a single chip out of the bag. It's huge, so it breaks tremendously once I take a bite out of it. "I don't think this is much of a competition. She's got her mind all figured out with Alex." I brush the chip crumbs off my lap.

"You'll find someone else, I'm sure," Dominick tells me. He's really bad at being supportive, but I appreciate his effort.

"But none of the girls at Southside are as great as her," I whine. I grab a handful of chips before handing him the bag.

Southside is the name of our horrible high school.

"Well do they have to be girls? You're not really gay, are you Jasmine?" he asks.

We both freeze. He stops chewing and stares at me. I stare back, trying to understand why he asked me that. I'm trying to read his expression.

He begins chewing again, but slowly. He looks like he's in shock, and I think it's because he's thinking about the one thing I'm trying so hard to push to the back of my mind.

We had sex. There's no possible way that he could be thinking of anything else. The way he's staring at me confirms it. There's a hint of guilt in his expression, which makes me want to look somewhere else, but I don't.

The truth is, I do feel bad for sleeping with him. I feel even worse when I realize he's still with his girlfriend, and she has no idea.

But I have to act like I don't care. I mean, that's what he does. We've never talked about it. We both don't want to talk about it. He's really in love with his girl. They've been dating for over a year.

"I don't know if I'm gay," I tell him, and I think that's the answer he's expecting.

Even I know I can't strictly like girls. What went down between Dominick and me, that was proof. Dominick knows it.

He clears his throat, then sets down the bag of chips. He sits next to me on a stool next to the counter, and we both just stare at the granite counter top in silence.

After that long, painful moment, he starts the conversation. "The Hoffman's are having a thing today. Do you think you wanna go?"

I flinch. "What thing?"

"It's been two months," he reminds me, and my heart feels like it's weighing down my whole body.

Two months since I received the worst news ever. I've been trying to ignore the date for the whole day. It worked until now.

I sigh, and I think he understands. I don't want to go, but I have to. I have to support Gabby's family. They're hurting, just like me.

Dominick gets out of his seat, then grabs his keys that were sitting on the kitchen table. "I'm going. It'd be nice to have some company."

"You'd have Alex," I say, as if I was positive he'd be there. His name comes out of my mouth with disgust. I don't like how I have so much hatred for him now. He didn't do anything wrong. It's only Ivory's fault.

"It's either you come with me, or you're going home to an empty house," he tells me. How does he know my family will be there? They would've told me.... right?

He stares at me expectantly. Just like everything else, I try to ignore how handsome he is. Even when his eyebrows are furrowed and his lips are positioned into a permanent frown, he looks beautiful. Effortlessly beautiful. I hate it.

"Alright," I say, continuing to block out my thoughts. I look away from him and get up, following him to the door.

There's silence as we walk to his truck. He opens the door for me, and I roll my eyes at him. Can he stop being so nice to me as if he doesn't have a girlfriend?

He just smiles at me like he's doing me a favor. He's really not. He's going to get us in trouble by his girlfriend, to be completely honest.

But don't get it twisted, I don't even want him.

"You okay?" he asked, once we both secure ourselves with the seat belts.

"Yeah," I say, but it sounds more like another sigh. My reactions to everything these days are a sigh. I don't think it's ever going to go away.

I try to mentally prepare myself for what I'll see and hear tonight. There's going to be lots of crying. And praying. And a whole lot of 'my condolences' and 'I'm here for you's.

Dominick backs out of the driveway, and I stare at his house like it'll suddenly come to life and suck me back inside.

I didn't want to go before, but now I really don't want to go. I don't want to face the horrible reality. My best friend is gone. It hurts a lot more than I can handle.

I'm glad we're on our way though. I won't be so glad when we get there. I've always admired car rides, long or short. They are just a period of time where you sit and wait, and it's the kind of wait that's good.

You have no responsibilities until you reach your destination. You just sit there, put in some earphones if you'd like, and just do nothing for a while. You don't have to worry about anything in particular.

But that's just my interpretation.

Even though I believe in all of that, I still wish Dominick and I were on our way to shoplift a store or go smoke with friends. I wish I wasn't thinking so much about Gabby. I want to skip a few months ahead from now, where hopefully I've taught myself not to forget about her, but to live with it.

I don't want to be sad anymore.