Girls Like Girls. (I'll Stop the World and Melt with You)

Chapter 3

But you can't let yourself want good things.

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You find excuses as you do for everything. Its your best defense mechanism against the worse disappointment, and the crippling kind of pain that you know she'll inevitably put you through.

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At 11, you're still too young. What do you know about love and wanting to marry your bestfriend or at least having some arrangement that would keep her with you forever.

At 14, you don't want to be different. You act confident and knowing, unaffected, above it all.

You know enough from appreciative looks and attention you've been steadily gaining from boys and girls alike that you are, and not meaning to sound conceited, anything but ordinary, a catch- the best piece of ass in the whole school-Trenton's words.

Popular girls Kara, Ann and Shery sought you out to be one of those picture perfect, can do nothing wrong, reeking of cool girls. It's quite the responsibility living up to it. Its surprisingly simple, just another platform where you get to pretend. But no matter how much you let the world see you coast, give the impression that you never try, that you don't care, the thing is you do care too much about all the wrong things. Like popularity, boyfriends, being included, being seen.

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Funny how with everything all these people claiming your attention there's only ever been one person who mattered. Who could make you feel like something more. More than your looks, your grades, your clothes.

Who saw past the smoke and mirrors, the charade of it all. Who soothed your nerves when the pressure of pretending got too much.

She could make you forget, make you let go, distance you from who you were with them, you feel more you when its just you two, she throws a simple joke, a drab commentary on Shery and Kara's too serious argument about the Kardashians reminding you how shallow, and superficial everyone in your whole school, in this whole town was.

Coley was more real, far more genuine than anyone you've ever known. She was steady and unmoving, unchanged and untouched by it all, the only constant in the fast paced, rickety ever changing world.

Everything was effortless when with her, as easy as breathing. With her it was all a matter of just being.

She saw you. Sees you, past everything and she liked you even when you weren't your carefully constructed or put together self.

She actually likes you messy, seen you in various states of unkept; with bedhead, sick with the flu, sticky when you try to make smores and end up stuffing your faces with as many marshmallows as it can allow. When you end up smearing melted pieces of chocolate on her face she scrunches her nose in disgust, complains about the mess, but can't help the dimple appearing, the slight blush when you lean in to lick it off.

She likes it when your inner dork comes out. When you can talk endlessly about D.C comics heroes and their necessary villains. Your favorite being the characters of the suicide squad, hoping to god the movie did them justice.

She likes when you climb in through her window in the middle of the night to snuggle when you're scared of being alone.

She likes when you open up and make serious conversations, talk about anything other than who's dated who, celebrities and such.

She's accepting, welcoming. She's comfort and understanding. You know she'll love you no matter what.

Her patience knew no bounds and yet, you know she grew weary of waiting for you to come in to terms with what you've always known; that you're in love with your best friend.

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But thing is you don't want to be gay.

Everything's hard enough as it is. If you let yourself consider it, you wonder how everyone would react. Your parents would think you were just desperate for attention, They'd blame each other, fight, kick you out or all three at once. 

With everybody else there would go your popularity, and your temporary place of belonging, of being a somebody.

You still have many reasons, anything to keep you from her.

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So yup no rest for you peeps. Keep reading the angst is endless but I promise it'll all be worth it. C'mon I know you wanna sing it with me.

Give it to me I'm worth it. 3x