Guy Gets His just deserts?

Guy's Little Problem.

Written for a Guy challenge on DreamerFiction.

Guy’s Little Problem.

Or, How Guy of Gisbourne was Given Succour by Matilda the Wise Woman of Clun.

Response to the 'Not Stirred by Guy' Challenge. Te, he...

Shifting uncomfortably in his saddle, Guy of Gisbourne gritted his teeth, trying to manoeuvre himself in the hope of alleviating the maddening itch in his groin.

“Where’s the witch?” Sniffing and wriggling, he threw an irritated glare at his Sargeant.

“Yer bloody great pillock! Let me be…yer smell worse than the sheriff’s scabby arm pits!” Objecting quite strongly, Matilda was hauled bodily from her small cottage. “Huh, it’s yerself.” Tossing her head, she sneered. “Ya great streak of unsmoked bacon.” Seeing Gisbourne did not improve her mood. “Run out of simple folk to maim an’ murder, no one left to persecute but poor old women like me?” She spat at the big burly guard who held her.

Gisbourne wriggled again, his disposition deteriorating by the second. “You have been aiding the outlaw known as Robin Hood…again.” He shrugged, looked at his gloves, and tried not to think of how much he wanted to scratch his balls. “By doing so you forfeit any right to a trial.”

“Oh, give over, yer know full well Robin Hood is in York, everyone knows. He won the archery contest. Prince John’s ‘avin’ a right old paddy so I ‘eard!” Matilda wrinkled her nose, and smiled sweetly.

“And how would you know a thing like that? Carrier pigeon perhaps?” He was bored, sore and his usual tetchiness was about to develop into a full blow ‘Guyplosion’.

He wriggled again.

Matilda looked at him curiously. “You wriggling?”

Guy looked down and snarled, “You want to live?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Ha!” She snorted “You got the…”

“Shut your mouth, or I’ll do it personally!” He was off his horse and towering over her, fist poised.

Even Matilda took this as an indication he was pissed off. “I got a cure for that.” She beamed smugly.

“I bet you have.” Mumbled one of the guards, his yellow and black feathers wobbling as he restrained a giggle.

His captain punched him instead.

“What sort of cure?” Guy didn’t want to sound too interested, but the castles regular pox doctor was useless. “Nothing involving virgins spit and cobwebs?” He said with distaste. Truthfully the distaste was more at the cobwebs than the virgins. Actually the idea of nubile…Damn, he was thinking about sex again, that’s what got him into this predicament!

Matilda had him.

“Nah, got the ‘erbs boiling nicely on me stove. Just a little wash should do it.” She knew dam well it wouldn’t but what the hell.

“Release her.” Guy’s gloved hand went to his groin and tugged at his crotch trying to pull tight leather off raw skin. “Show me.”

Matilda’s cottage was overfilled with pots, jars and bunches of dried herbs, it smelt good, looked comfortable, and even Guy noticed it was clean, he could get to like clean.

“OK, drop your britches and let the dog see the rabbit.” There was more than a touch of glee in her voice. Guy of Gisbourne had the clap! Ah, there was some justice in this benighted world.

“Just give me the potion witch. I you think I’m that stupid? Hood’s probably hiding in here somewhere.” With that he started poking things with his drawn sword.