Love, Lust & Languish

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    "Mirror, mirror, don't you see? What you show is ruining me."

     I woke up to Austin, my brother and Brianna, his girlfriend fighting. Which is nothing new, they're always fighting over pointless shit. I didn't feel like dealing with either of them or my step dad so I laid in bed listening to the rain hit my window for about an hour. It was already 2. I got up and started my morning routine, most of the time afternoon routine.
Bathroom.
Weigh myself.
Decide if I'm eating breakfast or not based on the scale.
Get dressed.
I gained 2lbs so I'm skipping breakfast today. And probably lunch. After getting dressed, I got the usual text from Alena reminding me to eat something and that she's sure my body looks fine. She did this everyday. She knew everything, seeing as she's been my best friend since I could remember. Well, shortly after my dad died is when I met her. I guess it was obvious I barely ate since one day she just started reminding me to eat. She did things like that, she just always knew. She didn't make me talk about it but she cared. I laid back down on my bed, checking the rest of my texts. Alena texted me saying she'd be over in 10 minutes. Which isn't bad, since I never had many plans anyways. I got up and went back into the bathroom. I stared in the mirror for a few minutes, just looking at every imperfection. I was okay looking, I guess. Not really. If you asked my friends, they'd tell you something completely different. They'd also be wrong. There is always room for improvement, I wasn't perfect yet. I put on some make up, trying to make myself look more alive. I brushed through my hair with my fingers, it was long but dead and thinned out.

     I walked out of my room so I could wait in the driveway for Alena. She probably looked gorgeous, like always. Even without make up, she looked amazing. Everything was just right about her. I was looking forward to seeing Alena, I wasn't looking forward to my brother's smart ass comments when he noticed that I was up. I walked by his room, and Brianna noticed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
Before I could even answer, he came in with "Well she's not going to eat, that's for sure."
I just kept walking after that because it was only going to get worse if I said something back. By the time I got outside, Alena was pulling up. And yes, she looked gorgeous. She got out of the car, carrying a wrapped up plate.

"I made you a salad with grilled chicken!" she said with a huge smile.
"I already ate." I lied.
"Great! You can eat again."
She walked up and hugged me. She always tried to be cheerful and uplifting around me, she hated seeing me sad.

     We got into my room and she sat her stuff on my bed and the plate on my dresser. She checked her phone as she sat down.
"I texted Tyler, he's gonna come over too! It'll be fun."
"We aren't gonna get back together, Alena."
"Those aren't my intentions" She joked, laughing.
"But you were so happy with him, I thought you were getting better."
"Yea, I was. Until he cheated on me." I thought to myself.
But she didn't know that, so I just had to laugh and brush it off. I heard his truck pull up and I went downstairs to open the door for him. I thought Alena would follow, but no. She rather have us alone together. I was fine with Tyler as friends. I mean, I don't even blame him for cheating on me. I opened the door before he had the chance to knock, knocking is just weird to me. He went into hug me, I wasn't gonna hug him back at first but fuck, his cologne was amazing. I missed him sometimes, what we had was wonderful. I just don't miss the part where he cheated on me. We stood there in silence for a minute, not an awkward kind of silence though. He was so tall, especially compared to me only being 5'3". He had long, soft natural dark brown hair. And his eyes, oh god his eyes. They were the prettiest shade of green. He looked towards the stairs and I started walking up without saying anything, he followed. When we got to my room, Alena was giggling.
"Took you two long enough to get up here."
Tyler laughed, "If someone didn't spend minutes staring at me, it wouldn't have."
I turned to him, "Was there someone down there I didn't know about?"
He went and laid down on my bed, "Shouldn't Alena have someone over so she doesn't third wheel?"
He must think he's funny. "She can't third wheel if there's no couple, can she?"
He pulled me closer to him, "Relax, Lexi. I'm just playing."
Alena finally said something, "I can't stay long anyways, I have to go babysit soon."
I gave her that look, like a "really bitch?" type of look. I was fine hanging out with Tyler, he's spent the night and hung out with me plenty of times since the break up. I'm just worried about getting feelings again.

     Alena left after 30 minutes or so. I'm pretty sure she planned it this way. I can't get mad at her though, she just wants the best for me and as far as she knows, Tyler is the best. It was still early. Tyler pulled me closer than before.
"Are friends allowed to cuddle?", he started to wrap his arms around me.
I just leaned into his chest without saying anything. This is what I missed. The moments when he would hold me and everything else stopped. I was okay when I was in his arms. All the thoughts of self hate in my head went away when I was with him. I wasn't worried about my calorie intake for that day. I wasn't worried about how thin my thighs needed to be. Everything was okay. I can't believe I was letting myself miss him. 
"What did you eat today?"
"Tyler, it's not even dinner time yet."
"Eat something."
I got up to get the salad Alena left, I could just pick at it until he shut up about this. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back down, I was leaning on top of him now. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Everything he does is just perfect. I'd get lost in eyes if he looked at me long enough.
"Why don't you hate me?" he looked confused.
"It's hard to hate someone you were once in love with. You loved me even when I didn't love myself. I couldn't hate you even if I wanted to.", I looked down and started to get up.
"I still do.", he replied.

     I've been picking at the salad for about 20 minutes now, sitting across from Tyler. He just looked at me, which made it a lot harder to eat but I didn't want to say anything. My hair fell in my face a lot and each time he would push it back out of my face and smile. I shouldn't miss him. I shouldn't want him. But, I do. I heard my mother come in the front door. I got up to shut my bedroom door. It was easy to shut myself off from this family. There was a bathroom in my room and I wasn't in the kitchen much. The fact that my mom spent most nights drunk also helped. When I came back to my bed, I put the plate on the dresser.
"Thank you for at least trying to eat." He laid back down.
To be honest, I didn't really try. I had no intention of eating that salad or anything else today.
"Are you spending the night?" I asked.
"Do you want me to?"
I just nodded. I felt so dumb for missing him. But I loved having his company. I know he still cared about me and that's why I was fine with him being around. I laid down next to him.
"You're gorgeous, you know that right?"
I didn't say anything.
"Listen to me, you are. I wish you'd see that."
"No."
"Stop, you are. Do I have any clothes here from before? I wanna put on sweatpants if I'm spending the night."
"Yeah, hold on.", I started digging through my closet, my closet was a mess. Kind of like me.
"If you can't find anything, I can always wear nothing." He laughed, coming up behind me, he started to wrap his hands around my waist.
"Is this what friends do?" I turned around handing him sweatpants and a shirt he still had here.
He had his shirt off. God dammit. This boy is killing me. I can't complain though, I'm letting him. I looked up at him. He leaned down like he was gonna kiss me and I got a text right then. Thank god. Kind of, I wanted him to kiss me. But I can't. I moved to my bed and bent over to check my phone while Tyler changed. It was my Joe, my step dad.
"Where R U? Ur mom wants 2 kno."

I don't know why it was so hard for him to type like a normal person. I just told him I was home and threw my phone on the bed. Tyler came back over to me.

     Hours had passed of us just laying there and talking. I had a television in my room, but I would rather be focused on him. I loved listening to him talk. I started to fall asleep when Alena texted me, she wanted to know what happened. I decided to fuck with her a little since she set this all up. I told her we having sex and I'd text back later. For the next 10 minutes, my phone blew up. I went to the bathroom, and I came back and Tyler had my phone.
"So what are we doing?" He smirked and laughed.
"Shut up, I'm fucking with her." I sat next to him.
He pulled me on top of him again and just looked at me. I didn't want him to stop but I also did at the same time. He makes it so difficult. He started to grab my ass. Well, the little bit of ass that was there.
"We're friends, right?" I rolled off of him.
"I don't know, do friends have sex?"
He loved fucking with me. I started getting sleepy again, I don't even what time it is. I rolled over, facing away from him and cuddled up in my blankets. I fell asleep.