Love, Lust & Languish

Innocence

    "I miss the lips that made me fly."

     I woke up to Tyler's hand slowly caressing my thighs. His touch drove me crazy. I hadn't let him touch me like this since the break up. I don't know, this time was different. I wanted him. Even when we were together, I could never show him my body in any special way. It wasn't perfect yet. Maybe that's why he did what he did. I guess he noticed I was up because he started to kiss down my neck. I didn't stop him, I wanted him to. His lips were soft as hell and fuck, I missed them. I turned over, facing him. He opened his mouth, like he was gonna say something. And I just kissed him. I don't even know, I didn't even think about it. He pulled me in closer and kept kissing me. I can't even explain the feelings I had in that moment.

"Good morning", he said as he pulled away from me.
"Why'd you stop?"
"Aren't we just friends?", he laughed.
I wanted to kiss him again, so bad. He pushed my hair behind my ear and kissed me again. Only this time, he didn't stop. He had his hand on my hip, keeping me close. I wanted in every way. He never went any farther than just kissing me and touching me a little. He knew I couldn't show him my body. Well, I couldn't in the past. I wanted to now. Kissing him brought back so many feelings.

     I didn't even know how to bring up that I wanted him or if he wanted me in that way. I sort of knew what I was doing, but I didn't want to look dumb. I moved closer to him and ran my fingers softly over his arm. Everything about him was lovely. His face had the perfect structure and just the right body. He had just enough muscle. Like, not too toned but a little bit of abs and nice arms. Even the shitty tattoos he always complained about were amazing in my eyes, because they were Tyler's tattoos. I could go on. I still loved him, whether I wanted to admit it or not. He moved so that he was laying on his back. I curled up next to him.
"I want you", I said softly.
"I want you too, you know that."
"No.. I mean in more than one way."
He started to talk but I talked over him, "I'm just scared of you seeing how imperfect I really am."
Tyler knew about my self harm and all the scars, he's never seen all the scars though. And, I wasn't thin.
He looked at me very seriously, "Every inch of you is perfect." He paused, "I could get lost in your eyes, they're like an ocean. Your lips are the loveliest shape and the way you bite them when you're nervous is so cute. You have a cute little ass, too.  I love every inch of your body, Lexi."
I didn't even know what to say. I started to tear up. Why did he have to hurt me? He was the first boy I ever loved. The only boy.
He lifted up my chin, "Don't cry."
I kissed him. I had never gone much farther. I started to lift up his shirt. Fuck, his body.

     Tyler started to lead, in a way. It was probably obvious I didn't know shit. He kept kissing and biting my neck, I didn't know what to do. I let out soft little moans and he'd bite me harder each time I did. I had on a tank top, sweatpants and for some dumb reason, I slept with a bra on. He sat up and pulled me into his lap. He started to lift up my tank top.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yes", I nodded.
He kept going, he had a grip on my hips now and I was grinding against him. He pulled off his shirt and unhooked my bra. I felt really dumb since he was experienced, I didn't want to make this awkward for him.
"You know I'm a virgin, right?"
"Oh, no. I couldn't tell since you're such a natural at this.", he said sarcastically.
It was dark in my room, since I had blackout curtains. I could still see him but there weren't any awkward stares. He lifted me off of him and had me laying down. I had butterflies, but it was a good kind. He pulled my bra completely off and started kissing down my body. I've never let anyone see me like this, not even Alena. I know he could see the scars, but Tyler wasn't the type of person to say anything. He was at my hips now and had his hands ready to pull off my sweatpants. When he did, he started kissing my thighs and teasing me. I was getting more turned on each second. He started to kiss up my body and was making out with me again. I wanted to give him the feeling he was giving me.
"Lay down?", I asked.
"Why?", he leaned back on my pillows.
"I wanna do something", I got on top of him and now I was kissing down his body and when I got to his waist, he stopped me. He gripped my hair and looked down at me.
"I want to", I said looking up.
"How bad?"
"Really bad."
He got up and kneeled in front of me, without letting go of my hair. He started being rough but I liked it. He was already hard and I started getting nervous. Like, I have no idea what to do.  
"You sure?", he started pushing his pants down.
I just looked up at him, I didn't know what to say. He moved his cock closer to mouth, gripping my hair tighter.
"Let me know if you want me to stop ok?"
I nodded, opening my mouth. He was taking things slow. I took a lead now, and it came naturally. I figured if I was doing something, he'd tell me. I started to suck on the tip, slowly taking more into my mouth. He started to moan as I sped up and fuck, hearing him moan was the hottest thing. He was big and it was difficult to fit his whole cock in my mouth. He held my head in place, pushing more of himself into my mouth. When my eyes started to water, he loosened his grip on my hair. As he pulled out of my mouth, you could see the little line of saliva connecting my lips and the tip of his cock. 

     He was on top of me now, leaving hickeys all over me. Just like he used to. He slid my panties off and started to rub his tip over my clit. I was moaning already. He started to push a little bit into me. I gasped, whimpering in pain as every inch entered me. Tyler started to thrust and it hurt so much but, I liked it. I was gripping at my sheets. I got louder when he fucked me harder. He covered my mouth with his hand.
"Do you want me to stop?", he smirked.
I shook my head. I didn't want him to. I loved this, even if it did hurt. He pulled out of me and in one swift motion, Tyler flipped me over onto my stomach and pulled my ass into the air.
"How bad do you want me to fuck you again?"
"Really bad."
"Then, beg.", he said as he started to finger me."
"Wh-what?" Everything he did felt so good, fuck.
"You heard me. Beg."
He slid another finger into me. I started to beg him. "Please, Tyler. Please. I want you really bad. I need it."
He smacked my ass and started to push his cock back into me. He kept a grip on my ass when he wasn't smacking it. He wasn't gentle or slow at all now and I loved it. I never realized he was rough like this. He gripped my hair and pulled me up a little. He was stretching me out, making me take every inch. He moved his hand to my boobs, twisting my nipple between his fingers. He was kissing the back of my neck and moaning against my skin. I don't even know how much time as passed. Only Tyler and I existed in this moment. Nothing else.

     After we finished, we just laid in silence. I had just lost my virginity. I leaned over to check my phone and realized, I never texted Alena back last night. It was around 3 in the afternoon now. Tyler pulled me back over, facing him.
"I have to leave soon, I have work and I have to go see my mom."
I nodded.
"I'm gonna come pick you up after and we'll go to my place ok?"
I said, "okay" and kissed him again.
He got out of bed and started to get dressed while I sat there in his t-shirt. I was so sore. He kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. So many thoughts were running through my head. I loved this boy so much. I had just let him see my body. The body I hated more than anything, the body I couldn't even look at myself. I wanted to be his again. I was basically still his. Since the break up, I couldn't even think about anyone else. Just him.

     I got out of bed, starting the usual routine. Bathroom. Weigh myself. I actually lost a pound. I decided I could eat a light breakfast, but I was too sore to go to gym. I put on the same pair of sweatpants as before and left my room. No one was home. Thank god. I didn't know where everyone went, but I also didn't care too much. I got to the kitchen. I wanted yogurt, so that'd be about 200 calories and 6 strawberries would be 12 calories. 212 calories so far. I guess this was okay, I didn't eat yesterday. Right before I sat down at the table, my brother walks in. Of course.
"What are you doing?", he laughed.
"I'm eating breakfast, are you blind?"
"Ha! When do you ever eat?"
"Apparently now."

"Maybe you shouldn't, cow." He laughed, walking up the stairs."
I took one bite of my yogurt and couldn't finish it. Alena called and told me she was in my driveway. She knew she could do this, because I had no friends besides her and Tyler.

     When I got out there, she screamed in excitement.
"Is it true?!", she asked.
"Are you guys back together?"
"No", I laughed. "We actually did it though"
She screamed again, walking towards my front door, "Oh, what did you eat today?"
"I just had yogurt and strawberries.", I lied again.
I felt so bad for lying to Alena. I've known her forever, she's been there through everything. But, I knew she wouldn't stop if she knew I hadn't ate today or yesterday. My mom walked in right after us. She was home a little early, with her favorite thing. A bag from the liquor store. I don't even know what she drank now. When I was younger, it was vodka. Every night. I stopped saying things about it. I guess this was her way of coping with the fact that my dad, her first husband was gone. She said hi to us and headed to the kitchen. Alena started up the stairs to my room. As soon as we got there, she wanted all the details.
"It was perfect. I mean, it hurt bu-"
"How did it happen?! When?!", she cut me off.
"I kissed him and it brought back so many feelings", I paused "and then I told him that I wanted him."
Alena was adorable, she couldn't even sit still while I was telling the story.
"He's coming to pick me up after work and we're going to his place", I smiled.
"Are you guys gonna get back together?!"
"I don't know, I miss him.", I kept blushing.

     Hours had past by now. Alena went home and I was almost done getting ready. I had my make up done really nice. I put on a really cute red bra that had matching panties. I had on a almost see through white v neck on with black skinny jeans. Tyler texted me that he was here, I went down to meet him and he was standing in my driveway, waiting for me. He kissed me again. We walked towards the car and I could see someone in the passenger seat. He opened the door.
"This is my friend, Jayden. His truck is in the shop so I'm taking him home first."
And then we drove off.