SECRETS

Chapter three

**WARNING**
VERY TRIGGERING. CONTAINS SELF HARM

.""I don't know, Alyssa. What if he doesn't call me?" I asked nervously.
"He clearly into you, Bea. Calm down. He'll call."
"Yeah okay I guess you're right. I hope you are anyway." I took a deep bread.  I've been freaking out over it since it happened. It's been two days and Logan still hasn't contacted me. It's normal right? Give him time? I don't know. I need to calm down. Haha.
"Beatriz!" I heard my mom.
"What?!" What? You didn't actually expect me to get up did you? I'm lazy.
"Come down here!"
Oh great. I probably did something wrong. I made my way down the steps into the living room.
"What's up?"
"Me and you're father are going out with some people from work. You're coming with us. So go get dressed."
"Seriously? Why do I have to go?!"
This is so stupid. Ugh.
"Because everyone wants to meet you. Don't argue jut go do what I said. Dress nice."
Dress nice? Are you kidding me?
"This is lame."
I walked up stairs, picked out the most girly piece of shit I owned (it was a really lame black dress that had lace on top, had long sleeves and was puffy at the bottom. I previously wore it for a family reunion.) and put it on. I never looked good in dresses. Of course I wore converse, because heels aren't my thing. I did my basic makeup, and straightened my hair. I still wasn't very please with my looks. I really just hate my appearance all the time.  I'm fat, so I rarely eat, I still can't get small enough. Disgusting.
"Bea, come on!"
I grabbed my bag and walked down stairs. I stop and look in the mirror again.
"You look good. Let's go."
My dad walks out of the door and me and mom follow.
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There are so many people here.. This isn't good for my anxiety. So many people just stared at me when I walked in. I can still feel their eyes on me. I guess it was noticeable the I was freaking out a little. My mom leaned in and whispered in my ear,
"Stop being a drama queen, Bea. You're making us look bad."
She's always like this. Always worried about how she looks. You'd be surprised actually, she dresses my dad and tells him how to act so he won't embarrass her. I couldn't help it and I just started crying. She gave me such an angry look. I just found my way to the bathroom, trying really hard not to make eye contact with people. I locked myself in and just cried. I kept crying and crying. I'm such a cry baby. I figured since I was alone it'd be okay if I got my blades out, I always have them on me. Just in case, you know? So I took one out and just started cutting. I like to cut over older cuts and scars because it leaves a bigger mark. It helps. I did this over and over until I was satisfied. After sitting there for a few minutes I heard a knock. Oh shit.
"Um, o-one second!" I freaked out. I tried to get all the blood cleaned up, off me and the floor. After that I opened the door.
"I'm so sorry it took me so long." I didn't even look up I was too scared.
"Oh hey Bea." Wait what. I look up and to my surprise there's Logan. Of course he would be here.
"Oh. Um. What are you doing here?" I try to hide my arm behind my back in the most discrete way possible. 
My parents made me come. Had no choice. You?"
"Yeah, same."
"Are you alright? You look like you've been crying." He seemed so concerned.
"Oh sorry. I'm okay." I tried to give him a realistic smile.
"Okay? I'm sorry for not calling by the way. I've been super busy," basically code for "I change my mind sorry" but okay. "I'll make it up to you."
Sure you will.
"Okay. I um. Have to go okay?" I just looked down. This isn't helping me feel much better. I wave at him and start walking away.
"What the hell, are you bleeding?"
I looked at him confused. I looked down at my hands and realize I got blood on my hand. Well fuck.
"What? Oh no no no. I'm not. Look I really gotta go. I'm sorry." I tried to walk away, but he grabbed my arm. It didn't feel very pleasant. So I flinched a little. He pulled into the bathroom.
"Let me see."
"Logan, what are you talki-"
"You know what I'm talking about. Now let me see."
I just looked away and started crying. Why am I so stupid. He grabbed my face so I was looking at him.
"I just want to see how bad it is. That's all."
I felt so ashamed. I pulled up my sleeve and he just stared at it.
"Why?"
How could I answer that? He would understand. I can't explain it to him. 
"Bea, you're too fucking great to do this to yourself. Please don't so it again." I felt so bad.
"I can't just stop.. It's harder than you think. I'm not that great ether. I'm pretty much a piece of sh-" he kissed me. He fucking kissed me. It felt, weird. Like. A really nice kind of weird. Like I could kiss you all day kind of weird.
"Don't talk down to yourself. You're amazing. Please realize that." His voice cracked a bit. Like he was about to cry or something.
"I'm sorry." That's all I could say.
"I just. Don't understand why you can't see what I see. Because goddamn it. You're perfect for me. I've liked you since I met you. I think about you all the time. So just please. Let me help you." He just hugged me. He held me. And that felt so amazing. He's so warm. Like insanely warm. I told him I was okay and I would try to stop. I doubt I will though honestly. It's always good to try at least. We walked around the party for a little bit, but my family left a little early. So I had to leave as well. Logan hugged me again.
"I'll call you tomorrow. I promise."
I just smiled and shook my head and we left. I still felt so ashamed of myself.. I'm such a loser. I just went to my room and fell asleep thinking about everything. Maybe It'll be better tomorrow.