Feed Your Head

Dear Sister

     Dear Sister,

     I have loved you for as long as I can remember, and you have hated me for as long as I can remember. I had always assumed that you are better than me, that I am lower than you. You taught me that. For years you excelled at everything; you made better grades, you were more athletic, and you were less sensitive. I on the other hand never paid attention in class, I wasn't very strong, and every little thing upset me. You constantly reminded me that you were prettier, funnier, more popular, and superior in every other way as well.

     Almost every insecurity I have you manifested in my head when we were children. For most of my life I wondered why you hated me so much. I understand I was annoying and all younger siblings are, but you treated me as if I took something from you so you wanted to take back. Like you hated me so much that you wanted me to hate myself just as much. And you achieved that.

     But you were all I had. I love you more than I loved anyone else. You were the only person I truly cared about up until the past few years. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy but you never truly found happiness it seemed, until I was hurt. You'd befriend my friends knowing they'd like you better. Let's face it; you're more charismatic than me. A lot of times you'd do more than befriend them and that hurt worse but it did not matter because I thought it would make you happy.

     I am far from innocent when it comes to crimes against you. Spoke horribly of you, and tried to convince others that you were awful. But you aren't. You're just as amazing as you want to be. I accused you of awful things, but you had already taken so much and I went delusional. For that I apologise.

     I wish I knew how to help you. I wish more though that you wanted my help. It kills me inside and I'm scared to be away from you, I'm horrified of what you are doing without me and if it's hurting you. I always thought that if I could just stay around you then maybe you wouldn't do bad things, that you maybe wouldn't tell awful lies. Maybe I could save you like you saved me. And with that thought I realized what I had taken from you.

     So many times we had suffered abuse and so many times you had saved me and sheltered me from even worse. You gave up your childhood for mine, and you hated me for it. I don't blame you. If I were older, enough to realize, I would have stopped you. I would have taken everything for you.

     I would beg for your forgiveness but I doubt it would do any good after a decade. An entire decade of wondering why you hated me so much and now I see. I see that I am the cause of your hurt. I am the reason you screamed at night. You took plenty hurt for me, and I never once thanked you. One of my biggest regrets is not realizing everything sooner, for not saving us when I should have. I just want you to know I will always love you, no matter what we have put each other through.

             With love,
                            Emily