All This Time

14 ⦿ in which i make amends

December 22, 2010 5:00 p.m.

It feels like I've done more than wrench my arm free. It feels like I've torn something irreversible. Pain is frozen on his face and his hand lingers in the air before dropping uselessly to his side.

I wish I could apologize, but my mouth just won't open. I stare at him in mute shame and he meets my eyes with bewildered hurt.

"Why are you two holding up the line?" Levi's voice asks, and I realize that sometime in the last twenty seconds, he and the others have returned. Beyond Wolf's shoulder I spot Graeme, who for once gives me a smile instead of her trademark scowl.

"Let's go!" Xander butts in, appearing next to Graeme.

Everything feels like it's happening in slow motion. In a fog, I start to move, following the others out the door. My steps feel heavy and my chest feels tight, dragging me down with the dead weight of an anchor.

I've never thought of myself as a mean person. I've never derided or mocked someone in public, never made someone cry. In school, I was never a bully. In my whole life, I can't remember a time when I said something cruel just because I could.

As a child, when I expressed this to my mother, she said that mean people were only mean because they were desperately unhappy. That there was something tearing them up inside, clawing to get out. And the only way they ever felt a moment of peace was if they clawed at someone else first.

As clear as day, I can see my jagged claw marks across Wolf's chest. Gaping wounds that I caused with my thoughtless, cruel words. I should have said I'm sorry, I think morosely, trailing after the others.

"Don't mess around with Charlotte," I hear Xander tell Wolf. "Seriously, whatever game you're playing with Diana, don't involve Charlotte."

Wolf says nothing, which only aggravates Xander further. His jaw ticks as Wolf overtakes him, reaching his car first.

Diana waits for us at Wolf's car. As usual, she's engrossed in her phone, fingers flying over the keys at record-breaking speed. "So, any of you bitches turn out to be witches?" she asks casually, slanting her eyes at me with a smirk.

"Lay off," Levi mutters at the same moment Graeme raises her middle finger and flips Diana off.

The jovial atmosphere has evaporated. Though they don't know what happened, I think they can sense that the mood is different now. Wolf's face is inscrutable as he pulls out his keys.

"Come on, Charlotte." Levi tugs my arm. "Let's go."

The drive back to the van der Waals is spent in not talking; I stare morosely out the window while Levi hums along to Christmas tunes on the radio. I don't feel like making small talk, so I'm grateful he's distracted. Outside, the landscape whizzes by. People in colorful scarves, bundled from head to toe in layers, look like blurs as we drive past. A child drags a sled up a hill and I smile as he or she reaches the top.

Ahead of us, two female riders approach, their horses' hooves clip-clopping loudly against the road. Both of them are wearing bright red sweaters; the blond's matches her lipstick and her lips stretch into a broad grin as she sees me watching her. Her hand raises in a wave, a gesture I mimic back to her. The brunette woman beams like she's never been this happy before, making me irrationally angry. Christmas cheer is everywhere but it's not in the least bit infectious.

"You okay?" Levi questions as the house comes into view. "You're keeping pretty quiet."

"I'm fine." I have no intention of telling him otherwise. What else could I say? I'm sorry I hurt your brother's heart, I thought I could get away with it because I assumed he didn't have one?