Dear diary

Natalie

                 She'll would never be okay with it. Even though she's my best friend she'll probably resent me for the rest of my entire life. Can I even blame her though? I guess it's best if I just don't tell her. That way nobody's feelings get hurt in the process. Mostly mine anyway. I just wish I could give her what she deserves. Unlike that stud she's with now. I swear I've never wanted to beat the crap out of someone so bad. She's made her come to me crying a total of three times. All three times to many. But she doesn't know that I adore her. Hell she doesn't even know I'm in to girls like that. Well more in to her, not just any girl. 

 "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP."

Another sleepless night thinking about her. Ugh I got to shake this off. I get up and make my way to my bathroom to complete my daily hygiene routine. After I finish my shower I look into the foggy mirror and inspect my face, again.  Not too much acne but my eyebrows are wild and bushy looking. I haven't even looked at my hair yet. I wish my hair was long and curly like every other girl at my school. But no I got hair that is as thick as wool, and grows out more than down.  Though it could be worse. I could be back in middle school. Positively the absolute worse years of my life. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Flashback<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

      On the bus in the I was only 11 and excited to finally be out of elementary school, with all the babies. But no one told me that I had to start acting like I was 16 and be completely chill and relaxed about things. I wasn't informed that as soon as I stepped foot on that bus I couldn't be the naive, innocent, and extremely hyper 5th grader that I had been the year before. 

       So I was back at my old ways, laughing and goofing off. Making stupid faces and trying to make my supposedly "Best Friend" laugh. When I heard some of the bigger 8th graders picking at me. Calling me names I would get a whooping for saying out-loud. Not just them though. My own friend turned on me. Pulling my hair which was even shorter than it is now. Her's being down to her back and a nice brown she didn't have to worry about it. 

         "Hey dumb-ass, here's a dollar maybe you can finally afford some weave to cover that rat's nest." They all laugh and taunted. Making me cry harder and harder. Makayla just laughed with them. And in my last futile attempt to make amends I stood up to her. "Kayla, I'm tired of you picking on me. SO I'm gonna give you a choice. Either stop picking on me and be my friend, or I'll never talk to you again. "  I thought it would work. Now we don't talk. The rest of that year was absolute hell on earth. But I was emotionally damaged to the point I had to go to a freaking psychiatrist. I hated her. She said I had anger issues and I was a danger to my health if I didn't know how to control it. My dad took me to an M. M. A. studio, where I learned to defend myself. But I knew that I had to protect myself emotionally as well. So from then on I cut off my emotions. Taught myself how to be emotionless, heartless even. The only emotions I let through were anger and frustration. I worked them out through music when I was conformed to my house. 

             The following year was better although I got picked at for being "too dark." Anytime the teacher would turn off the lights, some random ass guy from the back of the class would scream "where'd Natalie go". Everyone lighter than me would bust out laughing. Although people my skin tone, and darker didn't see anything funny about it, there was nothing we could do. 

                Finally 8th grade I got picked on for being short. By this time I could firmly whip any of them into next week but then I would have to go back to that Psychiatrist. And that wasn't going to happen.  so I endured one more year of it. Crying some days when it got to be too much. Coming home in a fit of rage others. After graduation I didn't shed one tear. Honestly I hated the majority of them. I had managed to come out with a few friends. But never quite happy anymore. Not really smiling as much, or laughing as hard. The sparkle in my eye was gone. I had to grow up. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> End Of Flashback<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

       After 5 minutes of reminiscing on the past I shook myself out of it. I grabbed my flat iron and got started. By the time I had finished it was 6:00 I had approximately  30 minutes before I needed to be out the door. My hair was done and came successfully down to brush my shoulders. 

          Quickly putting on a pair of jeans and a sweater and some red converses to match, I grabbed my phone some headphones and went down stairs. My dad was already up and had made my lunch and packed it for me. I kissed him on the cheek grabbed and apple and ran out to my car. I had to go pick up Nani, my best friend that I was secretly in love with. 

         As soon as I pulled up I could tell something was up. She was sitting on her front porch staring intently at her phone.  " Hey you getting in, or do you plan on walking to school?" I said out of my halfway opened window. She looked up and smiled that oh so dazzling smile. She hopped in the passenger seat and gave me a quick friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek. Even though she meant nothing by it, it still managed to give me butterflies.  "Girl you would not believe what Roxanne Kimberly Mackintosh did this time." She went into a whole rant on what her girlfriend did this time. I was listening, but then again not really. By the time we got to school Roxy was already waiting for her. I just went on in not wanting to see that much PDA. But deep down I was just jealous. I put in my headphones and waited for school to officially begin.