Stopwatch Children

Tired Out Routine

Tired Out Routine

"What's wrong?"

"Just thinking about life and where it goes from here." I laughed "Probably shouldn't be doing things like that." I hung up the phone and breathed into the cold rainy air.

I threw a rock down off the dock into the freezing cold water, and thought about jumping. I slipped my legs over the rusty medal beam, swinging my feet in the air above the water.

"No shouldn't do that either." I whispered into the dim light from the setting sun. My cell rang again.

"Hello," I answered.

"What are you thinking? And don't lie to me man." My best friend said in a tired, genital voice.

"I'm okay man, really. I'm thinking the same thing but now my brain is taking a different turn. I'm thinking about a feeling that's the worst thing you'll ever feel. I'm thinking about a feeling that's even worse than making that first cut, worse than feeling hopeless, and even worse than feeling like you're a waste of space; like there is no point. I'm thinking of that feeling you get after the fact." I whispered into the phone.

We were both used to this; used to calling the other and asking what the other is thinking even though we already have an idea. We listen to the depressing answer no matter how hard it is to feel. We try to calm the other and all the motions are the same, our routine has happened so often it's almost automatic. Playing it's self over and over again.

"I think I know what you mean. That feeling you get after the pain has faded a little; when you've calmed down just enough to realize what you've done. You hear your best friend whispering in your ear saying 'I know you did it once but no more, please no more' and then you realize how worthless you really are, you've let down another person.

You see how many people want you to not do it but you see that no matter how bad it is they will never notice the marks. And you realize how your little cut really isn't a big deal to anyone but you. Even after that feeling we somehow manage to go back and do it again." He said defeated and I knew it was my turn.

"What are you thinking man?" I sniffed away the coming tears.

"Oh probably the same thing you won't voice," He said voice laced with a bitter smile. "I shouldn't be doing things like that either." He laughed.

"Where are you man?" I asked standing on the narrow rusty beam looking up into the sky.

"I'm on the bridge, where you at?"

"I'm on the dock, the high rise." I whispered with my eyes closed.

"Meet me in the middle?" He asked and I heard his pacing.

"Yeah, meet in the middle." I said absently looking down into the icy cold water.

Maybe it was time to break the tired out cycle. Instead of just going through the motions we change it up. Instead of going through this again, the oh so familiar motions one more time we changed it up and stopped the bull shit that we're both going to be okay. We've been waiting for years for the hopeless feeling to go and yet it's still here. Maybe only one of us was supposed to make it. Maybe some of us were just never supposed to make it to the end.

"Man I can't do it." I just barely squeezed out.

"No." He said firmly forgetting his similar problem for a moment; I'm pretty sure he's still on the bridge so that must not have been easy.

"Step away from the edge man. Get off the dock." There was the sound of wind whistling in the receiver making me think that he was running.

"We have been waiting for this feeling to go away for how long? Maybe we were never supposed to make it to the end. Maybe we were only put here to suffer so why not leave before the suffering becomes unbearable and we start to crack?" I asked tears leaking from my eyes.

"I know what it's like; I know how you're feeling right now. You can't do this, I still need you, we still need each other. Dude don't make me go to your funeral; don't make me look at your coffin. Don't make me have to visit my best friend's grave on his birthday!" He shouted and I could hear his lungs straining to get enough air.

"Be careful Jimmy, don't forget me. I'm going to miss you, and stay off the bridge." I whispered tears coming hard but my body was numb.

"The bridge was always your favorite spot," I said with a fond smile. "You remember how you told me about your first time standing on the ledge? I remember, stay off the bridge Jimmy. Stay safe." I whispered setting the phone down on the rusty beam next to me.

I inched closer and closer to the edge. I spread my arms like a bird's wings, with a wide smile on my face. I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky, just as my first foot slipped from the edge I heard feet slapping the wet concrete. From the phone on the ground I could hear Jimmy yelling and as he approached it got louder.

I thought 'Good bye Jimmy' as my foot slipped from the edge and the icy water swallowed me down.

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