life support

02

I was never good at talking on the phone or telling my feelings. I wasn't good at texting people back and I definitely wasn't good at making friends. my mom told me it was because I was an acquired taste like coffee. basically, only certain people can handle me.

she only told me that to spare the little feelings I had. whenever I would have a bad day I would always come home to a warm bubble bath with my sketch pad laying next to it. my mom was my inspiration. she was the reason I held on when I wanted to give up. every Wednesday after work she would bring me ben and jerrys then tell me about her day at work.

I don't know what happened or why she stopped visiting. maybe it was hard to see me but why abandon your child when they need you the most? I needed her and she left. I tried writing and calling her but she changed numbers and would never respond to my letters. I didn't have a clue if she got them or read them but I wasn't gonna stop.

eventually I stopped. seven months after they stopped visiting I kind of gave up on living. I wouldn't eat or sleep. I just couldn't knowing that I had been left. dr.ellis started giving me anti-depressants and keeping me on suicide watch. had I thought about doing it? many many times. I wanted to go out on my own terms not because of some stupid cancer. but I couldn't even get out of bed so what would make me get up to end it?

my aunt stopped by every now and then till cancer took her too. she told me that my parents were good and that it was hard on them too. they had to witness their baby girl slowly dying. "you think I chose this? do you think this is easy for me? they left me. I'm dying and they can't even visit me!"

she stopped visiting after that and then I got the news that her cancer had spread to her brain and there wasn't anything they could've done. typical.

my fourth year at the hospital I decided that I needed to snap the hell out of it and be a big girl. I was sixteen and wasn't gonna mope around the rest of my extremely short life. so I asked the orderlies to bring me art supplies and movies.

now here I am. the spoiled brat of the hospital because I was their longest resident.

                              ***
having jake as my 'nurse' or servant as I would call him, I realized he was an organized person. at 7 am he would check my IV, 9 am he would come take my vitals, noon he would bring me lunch with an extra pudding cup and from noon to dinner he would sneak me little snacks and movies that he liked.

in the three months he had been my orderly, we had learned a lot about eachother. I found out he was 21, he loved his cookies and cream ice cream separated, he wanted to become a doctor after his mother had passed from leukemia when he was 16. it amazed me how he found the positive out of his mothers death. my parents weren't dead but i couldn't find anything positive in what they had done. it's just who i am. i find the negatives in everything that has a sliver of positivity to it.  

"jake?" 

jake looked up from filling out the paper connected to my bed and smiled. "whats up firecracker?"

i didn't know how i was gonna ask but i needed to. i had only a few years of life and i was gonna live it to the fullest. yolo right? "after your shift, could we possibly uhm go somewhere?" jake stopped writing and brought the pen up to his mouth, chewing lightly on the tip. "i don't see why not. where do you wanna go?" wasn't expecting that answer. the stage of cancer i have, i wasn't allowed to leave. strictly bed rest til i die. but i needed a change.

"anywhere."