Free your mind of expectations

It's not an option

Give up. 

You need a reason to give up, one very good reason. And even then, it's not enough for everyone.

"It is so easy to give up" they say, "it's more difficult to try again and again and again".

But that doesn't feel completly true. It is true, but at the same time it feels like it is not the same for everyone, because that is what some say about living too. 

"It would be easy to die, these who live are survivors because they endlessly try to truly exist."

I don't know if I believe it.

I was in middle school when I become really aware of my father's job change. It was the same year we moved, and a year before my mother changed her career choice too. A lot had happened these two years,  but the bottom line for me was simple, I could summary everything pretty quick, but that is not the point.

The point is the morning in January, on the way to school with a classmate and "friend". The point is that she started talking about boys, and if I liked anyone. The point is that we were only in 6th grade, and she was persistently trying to get an answer out of me. So, the point is that I said: 

"I actually think I like Steph"

That's what I said, and that was all that was needed to change everything.

"What do you mean you think you like Steph?" she asked me and stoped from walking, turning to me.

The cold air had turned my nose and cheeks pink, and my breath was visible in the winter day. I stoped a step in front of her, unexpecting it, I think I didn't understand what was wrong. I knew I never heard before that about a girl liking another girl, or a boy liking a boy, but I thought it was ok to say because she was my friend. But I was wrong.

She had laughed at me, asked me what I liked about her. I was pretty vague because I couldn't pin point it, but I just felt like I liked her the way I liked a boy once.

That was the end of my normal middle school years there. That was my mistake, and the fact that I didn't lie, that I was honest, that I trusted someone I thought was my friend and that after that I let her use me. Blackmail me. 

But that was my mistake, and I just give up after that. I didn't try to stand up when my other two "friends" found out, and I just did whatever they told me to do. I went to the school's psycholog because they said I should, I skipped classes, I lied to my parents. That was when i really lied to my parents, in the sense that it was serious but I never said anything about it. I told my grandmother, and she listened and believed me, but she couldn't do anything to help me. 

So I just let it happen, I let myself be used and just went with whatever was said, because it was easier than to try to fight back.

And right now I did the same. Because I couldn't do anything, and it was my fault.

I moved to Holland with the purpouse to become independent, to learn and do something with my life. It was a decision made by just going with the flow. Hotel manament sounded fun to a kid that was just finishing high school, even thou I am an introvert, with a self-diagnosed social anxiety. Hotel management meant interacting with people, traveling, helping people, and it was all good for a high school student that didn't study anything related to math, or medicine or anything that could become more. All it took was to be pleasat, to talk to people and help them.

To leave the country, to leave the city, to leave the house and my family. That was something I made myself believe I had to do, because I was no good to anyone there. 

Now....now I think I regret it.

I regret a lot, really, almost all decisions I've made in life until now, I just regret not being better. 

I can't focus on school at all, I am just going to classes, not listening, trying to write something that sounds smart and eating anything that is just there and I don't have to cook. I am not a good adult. Since I moved from home, I've gotten in more trouble than all my high school years. I 've lived with an old lady, 91 years, for the last 5 months, and some time ago I decided to move even thou my contract was for one more month. My mistake: I didn't tell her one month before the date I wanted to move. That was because I didn't know I was going to want to move that much, I thought I could just stay there one more month, but I just couldnlt stay with a person that made me feel so uncomfortable and useless.

  The problem felt like it got bigger when a friend that speaks Dutch decided to talk to her, something about police and a lawyer was said, but I wasn't listening anymore. It turned out to be a mistake in the contract, something about some things being excluded, but I was just relieved it was over, with the realization that even if I had moved at the end of the contract, she would have still done that. She was just after money, they said, she saw me as weak and took advantage, they said.

I just know that I can't give up, because both my parents insist I have to finish university, that I have to learn, even thou I don't have any passion for it, or anything. And all I want to do is get in my pajamas, get under the covers in my bed at home. At home that is not here.

I want to pain, draw and write. I want to be able to capture everything I feel and put it in a box, throw it in the sea in my hometown. 

I want to help my mom cook. I want to play spies with my brother. I want to go to a cafe with my father. 

I want to become succesful by doing something I like. I want to fall in love with someone that will love me too. 

I want to be courageous. I want to not be me. But the truth is...

I don't know what I want.

And everything that I have now, what I am experiencing now, feels like too much and too little at the same time. I know I should enjoy every day, try to find myself and explore. Most of all, I want...to give up. On anything and everything. It all feels like it's useless and no one understands. No one even tries to understand, and I don't understand it fully either.

But giving up it's not an option.