Free your mind of expectations

An irreplaceable bond (1)

"Dadi, why did they do that?"

It was in a late summer night when it first happened. 

"Do you think we will really go see them next month?"

I was enjoying the silent house, with blasting music in my headphones. I enjoyed the way that the house was like an old radio set on mute for hours, and I was moving, still awake, doing my best to not disturb the old radio into motion. My headphones set on a low level, with one headphone on and the other off, in case someone awake up. 

"Hey, why do girls have long hair?"

The lack of a sleep hour was greatly apreciated, but resulted in short hours of sleep. I would sleep the morning, and be awake in the evening and more than most, awake at night. I would sit on the edge of my window and be amazed with the night, everything that created it.

"why does grandma forget us sometimes?" 

Silence, noise, darkness, light, calm and chaos. 

That was the perfect time. The perfect rivalry of existence, when the darkness of the outside world tried to swallow the light in my room.

"Do you think she will ever remember us again?"

When the noise in my headphones fought to defeat the silence in the house.

"Do you want to play cards with me?"

When there was a calmness that was treathened by our whispering, but we were too preocupied with the world we sent ourselves into, with the subject we were so interested about. Even if it was just talking about a video game, or maybe curiousity of the human body, or people we've been missing.

"I think they hate me..."

It was so many years ago, on a summer night. Everybody would be asleep at 2 in the night, but not me, and certanly not my brother. I would watch anime, read manga and maybe even watch a movie, while he played online with his friends all kinds of games, mostly shooting ones for hours.

Neither of us would move from their room, except for the bathroom, with the deal that we won't make any sounds so we could stay up all night.

"Why do they teach the way they do in school?"

My brother just come into my room, he had closed his computer and decided that he wanted to spend time with me and talk. But of course, I wasn't thinking the same, too absorbed in my laptop to even notice how his whispering was softer than usual, how he didn't approach me like always, that he whispered my "nickname" with the curiousity of a little brother asking for his sisters knoledge. So I asked him to go back to his room, with the reason that he was always too loud and I wasn't up to deal with him. 

   I remember, no, I know that he got mad, and he continued to whisper over my angry rantting about how he would awake up our father , he just whispered sad "You never talk to me, you just get mad and try to get rid of me. I want to talk with you about....about some things." 

I just sighed, still angry but I let him stay and talk. I didn't realize at that time that he really needed someone to talk to, about all the things that were bothering his mind and he also needed someone that would be truthful to him, and would answer any question without making him feel ashamed.

But what I also didn't know, that was the first of many summer nights when my brother and I would bond over secret stories and questions finally answered. 

We used to fight so much as little kids, over so many meaningless things that mattered so much for us. I can still remember, from stories told too, how my brother would want anything I had, any toy or friend, and how he would cry and scream until my mother would tell me, words that I will always remember, "Give it to him so he will shut up.". 

As a child my brother always got his way somehow. He would get so angry his face would get red, and in extreme situations he would hit his head on the walls, so he would receive undivided attention. I was always the "good kid", I would sit silent and try to do as little trouble as I could, while he would do anything his mind wanted, unless our dad was around.

I can say that I disliked him, or his way of doing things, even thou we were just kids, we were never on the same page. I would use reason and logic as we grew older, to fight his restlessness, while he would just ignore it all and go with his own logic. That's how, one time, I "lost" him. Because, the truth is I just told him to stay in a place for 5 minutes while I grabed something, but he left and then everyone just blamed me. I think he forgot, even thou I had barely left for a few minutes, his focusing spam had ran out and he got distracted, but then again, that was no reason to blame me. 

Well, even today, that story is told in a way that I am blamed, in a way that the truth is just misplaced. Now, I just go with it sometimes, but mostly I just never let anyone finish saying the story, I have to say it or I would feel blamed while they are joking. But I never understood why they did it, why he changed the story, until a year ago.  

It was winter, and we had a new nanny. Everytime we get a new nanny, or caretaker, in the house, my mother feels the need to share stories. So she talks about everyone, with the idea that the caretaker will know us better, but that was the first time I heard that story. 

You see, that story was about how I almost never had a brother.....