Stop This Pain

Dreams

I've been writing a lot of my personal novel, and have been thinking a lot, which doesn't ever tend to result well. I've been having these, terrible nightmares, some of which I don't personally believe are healthy. One of them, which tends to be re-occurring, is one that I'm drowning. I'm far deep beneath the water, and can't find myself swimming upwards. So I don't. I just sit there, and feel my lungs burn.

Have you ever had those dreams where you don't really control yourself?

I look up and see the light above me, but I know it's too far to swim up, that it will hurt me internally if I swim up too fast, and if I don't, I'll die either way. So it isn't worth trying. I don't really understand it to be honest, why in my dream I don't really bother to try and survive. I just, don't.

Though I have my many problems, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea that I'm suisidal. Because I'm not. I don't feel the need to, and I actually find that choice rather selfish. Why would you punish those around you, because of your feeling of distress. I guess my view on the subject is partially the affect of my mental state. I don't want to punish others with my anxiety and thoughts with worry, so I cover all of it up. I also find when I choose to confess to people my issues, they don't believe me.

Am I really that good at hiding it?

It's scary to think that after so many years of practice, putting on a happy face has just become, part of me. And when I show who I really am, that to them feels like the lie.