Words are Weapons

To leave or not to leave - pt III

Sometimes I wonder if there IS something wrong with ME... 

Maybe I really am unpleasant.. 

... ugly

... disgusting 

...unworthy 

... invaluable.

Maybe what they say about me or how they look at me is justified, I tell myself. Maybe I can give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume that I'm the one who needs fixing. 

But I haven't found the tools to fix myself... 

And I don't know why I need to fix myself... 

And I don't know what needs fixing... 

But they stare at me like I'm a monster. 

I'm not a monster. 

Do monsters tremble late at night out of fear? Do monsters feel their palms sweating profusely whenever they're walking in a public space? Do monsters spend so much time building together the perfect image of someone who's whole and complete when really inside they're lost and confused? Do monsters try twice as hard at everything but somehow are still never enough to meet the such high standards of society, while still trying to keep their identity intact? 

Because if so, then call me a monster. 

I'm desperately trying to learn how to not care anymore, but the reek of insecurity has become so obvious on me that even the people who are closest to me are being deterred by it. Yet somehow they have no idea what I'm going through on a daily basis. 

How can those people out there go to bed at night knowing that they've left another human being so hurt and devastated? How can one smile when they know that they've caused tears in the eyes of another human being, leaving them miserable. Is it not in our human nature to care about each other? Then why is that time keeps passing and no one cares. People continue to gossip and continue to hate and continue to follow negative hateful ways all the time.

When will they realize... 

that the only place negativity leads to...

is there own turmoil...

and inner destruction.