Words are Weapons

A flash of blue

 I glanced up for just a moment on the car ride from school back home, and in that moment, I caught a flash of blue, and I instantly knew what it was.

Was it the sky?

Was it a car?

Was it the Walmart sign?

Doesn't matter, cause I'm not going to tell.

It shall remain my secret.

But seeing it made my head dizzy, and a plethora of emotions hit me. Nostalgia, anger, frustration, sadness, warmth, happiness, silly and light headed, all at once. I don't know how it's possible to see something and have such a mixture of emotions, but I did.

And I'm still dizzy, whether it's with happiness or misery I do not know. All that I know is this weird feeling in my stomach won't leave me, and I'm terrified but pleased by it at the same time.

The best part is that no one knows that I saw what I saw today, and no one else can share this feeling with me, or at least know the cause of the feeling inside me. It's me. Just me. And I like that.

Of course talking to people and building connections is good, but sometimes you just need to keep secrets. Just... for yourself. Your own little guilty pleasures that you can look back on and either giggle or cry at the thought of.

People can ease you with words of comfort and tranquility, but people aren't always worth trusting. They can break your trust in just an instant. Even after countless times of "I promise" and "I'll keep it a secret", there is a split second moment where someone else's curious eyes rest over them and the words spill right from in between their lips. It's not their fault, we've all done it. It's unavoidable.

So maybe our "secrets" that we share with people shouldn't be our deepest darkest facts of life, rather they should be more like... unspoken truths, that don't have as much as a personal effect on you.

If something makes you genuinely laugh or cry from the bottom of your heart and the depths of your soul, it shouldn't be shared with the world. This is something that directly affects you, and it affects you enough to either feel pure joy or feel gut wrenchingly miserable. Sharing it with the world is like unclothing yourself and emerging naked, your deepest most raw emotions have been exposed, and now when people look at you, that is what they see.

They see the person who gets upset when they see a certain thing and happy when they see another, and to me. . . if someone were to find those things about about myself. . . I'd feel. . . weak? I have a hard time understanding why, but that's just how it is. I'd feel weak and disappointing, because everyone knows, even random strangers, about all my guilty pleasures, insecurities, dreams, plans, fears, and just everything.

And why can't I be okay with that? Because I know, just like everybody else, that people will snigger, people will point, people will smile at me normally to my face, but then roll their eyes behind my back.

And. . . somehow. . . I don't think I'd be able to handle that. . .