Just Not Possible

1

Have you ever felt like you are just not ready? Ready to move on. Ready to continue with life. Yet, you have decided from time to time to end it all. You are ready to make everything that you did worthless. While what if I told you that is how I feel almost every second of my life? Would you believe me? Would you send request for me to go to a counselor? Would you think that I'm just this stupid, teenage girl who don't know what struggle or a hard life is? I already guess what you figured because I have heard it all. Tell me how do you expect for a girl being abuse by her step father for five years suppose to feel. Suppose to act.

They took me away from him just to put me back a year later. Just so he could continue, just so he could beat every bone in my damn body. They took me away just to let him take fully rights of me. Tell me how a girl suppose to feel when her abuse stepfather forces her into a relationship with his boss's son, just to get a promotion. Tell me how a girl is suppose to feel when this boyfriend of her begins beating her like she is a man because she doesn't want to have his child and have sex with him.

I have to walk around pretending to be happy. Pretending that I am in love with the captain of the football team, I have to act a certain way. I have to dress a certain way. I have to dress in loose clothes, so no one could be attracted to me. Like fuck who wants to be attracted to me anyway?! Everything has to be on time, I have to be on time. I don't know why, but the men in my life just don't know how to talk without their fists. Do you see why I just want to end my life? What the fuck am I living for? What the fuck am I still here dealing with them?

"Ray!" Cedric, my step father called. I sat up in my bed closing my textbooks. I walk to my bedroom door opening it.

Cedric leaned against my doorframe holding his keys in one hand. "You'd never guess who showed up just now."

"Who?" I asked opening the door wider. Cedric look into my room searching for something. "Mike has practice to six today."

Cedric nodded. "Follow me," he said turning away swiftly. He jog down the stairs as I follow down. Cedric walks into the living room saying something. I enter the living room and stiffened.

"Hey, Valerie. Oh, my goodness you have grown," this woman giggles hugging me. I stare at Cedric who just shrugged playfully throwing his keys in the air. "Don't tell me, you have forgotten your own mom."

"No, of course not. Where have you been?" I asked softly as she pulls away.

Mom smiles at me. "Well, you know I always done my modeling thing. I just got sidetrack in Europe with it. I went to college and I am a fashion designer."

"You left to go to college, start entire career, and live in Europe alone for the last ten years?" I asked and she gave a sheepish smile nodding. "And you just come back now?"

"Yes, my life is finally how I want it. I didn't forget about my daughter and husband, I just wanted to live before -"

"Being a mom?" I said without thinking. I look over at Cedric and he was just throwing his keys. "Ced, you knew?"

"Of course, he didn't. It was hard convincing him I didn't leave him for another guy. I went away to better myself and I am back. Why aren't you happy?" she asked.

"Because you left for TEN years without calling or writing. You don't know what the hell we had to go through without you around. You don't know how awkward and uncomfortable it is going through first periods, growing books or aging into-"

"You turned out fine, Valerie. Cedric told me you are in track, you get good grades, and you have a boyfriend. Doesn't seem like you needed my help?" Mom chuckled.

I sighed. What good is it going to do arguing with her? "Ced, may I go finish my homework?" I asked.

Cedric nod. "I'll send Mike up when he comes," he said as I left the living room. I ran quietly up the stairs closing my room door as I entered. I went into the bathroom closing and locking the door. I searched under the sink for my kit before running myself a bath. I took out the metal tool sitting it on the edge of the tub as I undress. The water streamed and turned my skin fiery red. I let the tears rolled my cheeks as I sat completely into the water.