Ashes : Farewell Entries

Confusion

It was the very last day of our academics program at school, well, supposedly. We had our farewell speeches done yesterday with a feast of barbecue and countless selfies were taken. All the Form 4 students wanted to leave. Why? Because of a month spent for nothing but introductions of Biology and Accounting Principles with slots of activities involving studies and skills, which could be a really good thing. It was just that supposedly these four weeks at the beginning of 2016 is meant for us to have the most of it with everyone before the result was announced. The result of the qualifications for some of us to leave and study in a better school, kind of. It might sound normal for students to move to a better learning institution, but as students of a boarding school who gained wisdom by unity, empathy and experiences instead of just text books and lectures, this result, matters, a lot. In a different kind of way.

January 28, Thursday.

Today should be the last day of the 'KIKS' program, but the headquarters of our education system gave a sudden announcement that we would not be able to leave for a short break until next week and will be continuing the classes as in the usual terms of schedule. Frustrating. Still, the result for the leaving students were not yet announced until today, so hopefully it will be.

The closing ceremony was delayed for about an hour because of the time consumption of the judging session of our Science Research Project presentation earlier that morning, was too long. I took this opportunity to train the choral speaking team. This choral speaking performance is so unprepared and spontaneous but we are lucky to have Miss Sani, a very youth-spirited and understanding optimist, as our English teacher who organised this performance. She did not expect too much from us. It was funny to watch Ai, our batch leader, to be the conductor and goofheads like Naqeeb, Acap, Ammar and a few others to actually did make it to memorize the script and managed to handle the solo parts, well, not so smooth for Naqeeb actually. Adlan is also busy training the girls in the team, well, why train separately? It is not about sexism but we think it is faster and easier this way. Ai wore his unproperly ironed white shirt with a necktie I gave him. It actually looked nice on him. Somehow it brought this vibe of uncertainty in me. It looked so special for an occasion, either it was going to be a such positive special event or the other way around. I felt scared for what might happen next on this day.
The ceremony was so, dim, if that makes any sense. Only a few teachers came and the formality of the occasion was a total mess. We even decided to invite Ammar and Kong to give some puns and jokes on the stage until they ran out of ideas, while waiting for the principal and the vice principals that turned out not attending the ceremony at all.
The prize-givings session was decent and the choral speaking turned out to be hilarious and slightly entertaining. The next part was where I have to give a short spontaneous appreciation speech for our former batch coordinator, Miss Najmen. The speech was fortunately smooth and later Ai came in and handed her a bouquet of roses with some whispers that no one but the two of them heard. Emotional. Completely emotional. The ceremony continued with montages and at the part where 'Army' by Ellie Goulding was playing, Ai and I spontaneously got everyone standing in a circle, singing along, well, some did, and hugging each other with full of sentiments.

In a sudden, Madam Siti Hajar or better known as Ummi, the Vice Principal of Academic Affairs, entered the hall and rushed towards Miss Najmen with sheets of papers in her hand. Not really knowing what was written on those papers, I held my friend, Uden's hand very tightly and said, "Oh God, the result, the result!". I was nervous. I was excited. I was, confused.

Miss Najmen stood up on the stage upon the microphone, ready to announce the names. I was there, at the front-left corner of the hall with Ai and Idris, holding hands, in a shroud of mixed emotions. She first announced the number. "...44...". All I heard was "44" and that was a huge number, immediately, I burst into tears. Tears of what? Joy, that I probably done my job pretty well as the batch Academics Bureau? Sadness, that too many people will be leaving and being left behind? I was crying in confusion. Later, names were announced and repeated once. The hall was flooded with tears, well, not literally, but that was how I saw it. I was qualified, most of my friends were too, but still, some were not, and I could not face that. We were called to be on the stage, well, for applause, typically, but I did not felt proud at the moment, I felt guilty, for leaving, for not being able to bring everyone together. Speeches were made, but I was not ready to call that as a last speech, and never really thought it would be.

The rest of the day was continued with more tears and confusion. At that moment, most of us felt grateful that we do not have to leave until next week. Slightly relieved, knowing there could be more time to spend but later that night, the head of the wardens, Ustaz Hafiz and the Vice Principal of Students Affairs, Haji Ghani, said that there would be a 'good news' for the holiday issue that will be announced on the next day. I was expecting something unpleasant would happen but I was too confused and carefree at the moment. I just spent the night like usual.

Some were prepared to move on and some just could not face it. Me? I am always ready to move on in life. But I wonder, is it fair to actually move on, by leaving the ones that helped you to make your moves in life?