Ashes : Farewell Entries

Unfortunate

January 29, Friday.

Waking up, expected to go through the day as usual. Not expecting any unusual or unexpected things to happen, I remembered, some of the Form 4 students were participating in a leadership camp, starting from today until Sunday, and I was involved.

We firstly went to class for two periods of learning. Chemistry. Same topic. Sleepy vibes in the lab, even though I sat at the front row. I was not focusing that much. Electron arrangements and Isotopes, not really that interested on these things. It was decent to have Fizrul, who was also participating for the camp, and Raziff sitting next to me with positive spirit of learning, given me no choice but to also participate in the class.
The bell rang, it was 8.50 a.m. , and it was time to go. Everyone was in some sort of a hurry, hugging each other, farewell wishes. I was actually a little bit disturbed by the situation, as I was keeping in mind that supposedly there was still time.

I met Ramzan, my best friend, hugged him, gave him my special name tag and said, "In case we're not meeting again...", with a giggle and smile that I did not really meant that. He was kind of speechless with his usual messed up look, hugging me tighter. He was not either participating the camp or listed among the leaving students. He was a friend I could never replace, and never thought of losing him in any circumstances. I moved along with Ai and Uden and a few others heading to the dining hall to gather with the rest of the participants, again, we met with a few others with farewell hugs and wishes. I was like, "Sheesh, we still have next week. Don't make me cry this early, guys...".

I sat beside OP (Amirul Haziq) in the bus, and as usual, I put on my earphones and did not give a thing about the rest of the world. I texted Ramzan and Myra to inform me about the announcement that Ustaz Hafiz was going to give on that day. I could feel something unpleasant was about to happen, but I guess the voice of Marina singing 'Forget' was to loud in my head and blocked every other thoughts of mine until I fell asleep.

It was 11 something a.m., I thought , and I was awaken from my nap. 'Army' by Ellie Goulding was on play, I felt dizzy and checked my phone for any text. Only one, not from Ramzan or Myra. It was my mom, asking about the status of the journey as any other moms would concern. After replying my mom's text, I received a text from Ramzan but before I could read it. "They're leaving tomorrow!", said Chapeq who was sitting in front of me, looking back at me with a huge spelling of 'disappointment' pasted on his face. I was speechless, opening the text I received and yes, they were leaving. Before I could even say 'goodbye'. The bus was in complete silence as everyone was asleep but after this news was informed by the rest of us, the first 4 rows at the front was not able to sit quiet. All the Form 4 participants were devastated to hear this unfortunate news. I was there on my seat, trying to keep it together, ended up bursting in soft tears while the same song was still playing through my earphones and receiving calls from many people back at the school with cries and screams. All I said, "What can we do about this? It's meant to be this way.", meanwhile I was unsatisfied and could not accept what was happening. If fate and destiny were human beings, I would probably punched them in the face and throw them under the bus. It seemed so unfair and painful, trying to find the reasons for what was happening, I could only felt anger and sadness at the moment.

Arriving at the location, we went off the bus with faces of unsettled emotions and the intentions of asking the teachers in charge, to bring us back to school, to our friends. Thinking it all through, we could not do such thing as our participation was fully sponsored by the school, the camp itself was organised by a major department of the government and the location was also far from our school. We had our lunch and went for Solat Jumaat. We were also shocked by another news. Nissa's father passed away. We were all very sorry for her and to me - what a sad occurrence happening on a sad day with full of sadness.

The programs went on and the other participants were having fun, except for us. I was also, unexpectedly chosen to be a team leader. No, I was not proud and thrilled. "God... Not in the mood... Totally not in the mood of carrying responsibilities in this depressing moment...". I was kind of lucky actually, as I did not do much and the rest of the team were positively helpful and supportive, but still, not in the mood of looking at the bright side of every single thing that was happening.

The night activity was a three hours lecture in the hall. We were all not paying any damn attention, well, at least all the Form 4 participants. We were busy texting friends back at school, sketching pictures and writing names of our friends on our notebooks. We were totally not having it. Besides, the lecture was actually just a plain talk about patriotism, national vision and also filled with silent political conspiracies. I was born in a politically wise family and a politically strong and positive state, I can sniff the bluffs of a speaker when it comes to political speech, even though I am no politic expert and even hated the word 'politic' itself. The camp itself turned out to be a camp of patriotism instead of a leadership camp. Even Anis, the most active girl in our batch, a live wire, was there with her notebook, not participating with the activity at all.

I was roommates with OP and Kamil and that was slightly decent, even though they would spent a long time for a shower and really hard to wake up for Subuh. We spent our night after supper by wandering around, calling friends back at school and conversed about how life sucks at the moment. Adlina texted me, Nuriy called me, and I was losing my senses and could not give any good replies. I did called Kama for an appreciation speech that I promised her, but still, I wish I could say it to her in person. We also recorded Ai's speech as his 'final will' as a batch leader to be seen by the rest of our friends at the school. Idris and I were supposed to do so but, I did not feel like doing it for some strange reasons. I really did have a lot to say, but I just could not express it like how I used to.

It was so frustrating and unfortunate for things like this to happen to us. Trying to think about the reasons behind it and be positive, not easy, not that easy as we were shrouded by so many emotions. Tomorrow? Would it be a better day? Hopefully...