From that moment on, time speeds up by about 845%.
Hermione sends a bolt of red light at the Dark Lord, who easily counteracts it by sending a bolt of green light at her. But instead of extinguishing each other, they connect. Before I know it, Hermione and Voldie are having an epic wizard lightning battle in the Great Hall.
I squirm away from the scene and sprint towards the door. Just as I'm about to make it, Cedward appears in front of me, his amber eyes full of gayness. He picks me up and sends me crashing across the Great Hall, causing me to slam into the stairs of the high platform. I stand up, running back towards the door. Cedward jumps and tries to knock me over, but I dodge his fall, causing him to go crashing onto the floor.
Instinctively, I turn around and kick him in the balls. But then I realize there's no point because he has no balls. So instead I aim for his face. My foot repetitively makes contact with his sparkly vanilla ice cream head, causing him to shout in pain each time. Before I know it, Cedward's been knocked unconcious with a broken, bloody nose.
My eyes flicker up to Hermione and Voldie. She's gaining on him now, her bolt of lightning inches from his face. The tension in the room picks up and I can hear my heart pounding.
Bang.
Hermione's bolt of lightning explodes and sends Voldemort flying into the wall behind him. She walks up to him and spits in his face.
"What was that for?" complains Voldie.
"Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have!" she screams. She then whips around and stalks out of the Great Hall in such a badass way that I applaud her.
About 7 seconds after she leaves, Bella and Jake come running through the door. Bella stands at Cedward's side, watching him regain conciousness.
"Edward, are you okay?" she asks in her usual pokerface and monotone voice.
"I'm just fine," he says, spitting blood onto her shoes.
"Edward, we have to get back to Forks. The Volturi-"
"Listen, Bella," he stands up, cutting her off. "I've found someone else now."
"Who? That Rebecca chick? No way, Edward."
"Sorry, but our love of glitter is too strong," he says. He turns around to face Voldemort, who's looking at him all teary-eyed. They begin to run towards each other in slow motion, romantic elevator music echoing in the Great Hall from an unknown source. They enwrap each other in a full-on embrace, crying tears of love.
"I don't want to live without you," says Cedward.
"You're the only thing I've ever loved," says Voldie, choking back tears. And with that, a loud crack echoes across the Great Hall, and Cedward, Voldie, and the Death Munchers are all gone.
It's silent for a few seconds until Jake says, "Rebecca?"
Rebecca moves through the crowd to meet his face. "Jake?"
They move towards one another and are staring at each other for about 20 seconds until they flat out begin to French kiss. I can hear Draco crying tears of joy. Suddenly, a unicorn pops out of nowhere, Jake and Rebecca mount it, and they go flying out of the Great Hall into God knows where.
That pretty much leaves Bella, who's curled up in a ball on the floor, and all of the Hogwarts students. I look to my left and see that Beth is right beside me.
"Good job, Beaver," she says, her blue eyes sparkling. Her blonde hair is a little frizzy, but I don't care.
I don't reply. Instead, I just kiss her straight on the mouth. All the Hogwarts students let out a huge "AWWWWWWW!"
Our kissing is interrupted by Snape crashing through the front door. He looks around the Great Hall, throws a book and my head, and says, "Turn to page 394."
-The End-
