PRETTY LIES || Carl Gallagher

Not Me

"Yeah, but a lot has changed too, Carl." I said, ripping the picture out of his hands. The look on his face made me instantly realize I shouldn't have said that. 

"What do you mean a lot has changed?" He asked. I didn't want this to come out. I didn't want him to know I felt differently about him. Or the real reason I didn't go visit him in juvie. I knew he still felt the same way about me when he got back home and I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't want him to hate me. "What did you mean Grace?" He pressed. A lump was forming in my throat. I never wanted this to happen this way. 

"Oh, nothing. Don't worry about it." I said, looking down at my nails. I felt two fingers go under my chin and my head was pulled up to become eye to eye with Carl. My eyes immediately darted in any direction other than his mesmerizing blue eyes. 

"Grace!" He snapped. "Look at me!" My eyes traveled to his and I wish they hadn't. His eyes were red and I could tell they were trying to hold back tears. "You better tell me what has changed, right now." I gulped and knew this was it. If I didn't tell him the truth it would eat him alive, but if I did it would still crush him. I mustered up the courage to lock eyes with him and say it. 

"Carl, I don't think I feel the same about you anymore." 

I don't really remember how I got here, but I really don't care because I was having the time of my life. I had probably consumed enough alcohol for three people tonight and I hadn't stopped yet. The joint between my lips was removed as a very attractive guy came up to me. "Wanna dance?" He asked. 

"Sure." I said. In The Night by The Weeknd blared in the background as I danced with the random guy. It was honestly getting so hot and I couldn't hold myself back. We started to make out and he started to pull me towards the stairs. We were stopped at the bottom of the stairs by someone yelling at the guy I was with. 

"Shawn what the fuck dude! That's Gallagher's girl, you don't want to do that." Shawn who I was dancing with, looked down at me raising his eyebrows. 

"Are you really Gallagher's girl?" He asked, his hand still in my mine. I licked my lips and leaned up to his ear and whispered. 

"Key word here daddy. I was Gallagher's girl." I hadn't even leaned back down before he was pulling me up the stairs. We reached the first unoccupied room and he pulled me in. He pushed me up against the wall. I started to giggle, but immediately shut up once I felt were his hands were. 

"You ready baby girl?" He questioned. 

"Fuck yes." I moaned. 

-----

I awoke to walls or sheets I had never seen before. I pulled the sheets off me to see that I was naked and so was the body next to me. I really didn't remember anything that happened last night, but I clearly had sex with him and cheated on Carl. I grabbed my clothes that were scattered across the floor and put them on. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and saw it was three in the morning along with about 40 missed calls and texts from Carl, saying where are you at? or i'm so sorry. I don't even remember what happened, but I already feel horrible about cheating on him. The guy in the bed rolled over, clearly waking up. "Wow leaving already? I thought we had a great time last night. Do you know how long I've been waiting to do this with you? Thank god you and Gallagher are over." He said, getting up out of the bed. I don't know why he thought Carl and I were over, but I bolted out the door. When I got outside I realized I wasn't even a block from the Gallagher's house. I needed to see Carl and explain what happened before anyone else did. When I arrived the door was unlocked, surprisingly. All the lights were off when I walked in. I took my time walking upstairs and when I reached Carl's room the lights were off, but was startled by Carl's voice. 

"Where have you been?" He asked, jumping down from the top bunk. His voice was scratchy like he had been crying. 

"Out" I stated, sitting down on Ian's old bed. He sat down next to me and I realized he had taken out his cornrows. 

"And by out you mean out at a party getting drunk and cheating on me." He said bluntly. My head whipped around towards him. 

"How did you find out?" I asked. 

"Phones are an amazing thing babe. Alex sent me a pic of you and Shawn dancing and making out and then he said he tried to stop you guys from having sex, but he couldn't." Tears were now rolling down my cheeks. 

"Carl I don't even remember what happened! I don't even know why I was at that party in the first place!" I said. 

"You don't remember what happened yesterday?" I shook my head no, "You said you didn't feel the same about me anymore and then we got into a huge fight." He said and then suddenly everything came back.

-----

  "Carl, I don't think I feel the same about you anymore." I said. His eyes burrowed into mine. 

"What do you mean you don't feel the same?" He asked. I finally blew up and let everything out. 

"Carl what I mean is I don't think I love you anymore okay. You've changed a lot and for the worse. Ever since you went to fucking juvie my whole perspective on this relationship has changed. Why do you think I never came to visit you.  Huh? You were selling fucking heroin and then to top it off you tell the judge you want to go to juvie. How do you think I felt? My boyfriend wanting to go to juvie for a god damn year and leave me by myself. Then to make things even better when you come home like nothing is wrong! With this new hair style that looks ridiculous on you and gangster demeanor. It's honestly embarrassing Carl. I just want the old you back!" When I finished I was basically sobbing and Carl was now crying too. 

"You don't love me anymore?" He asked, wiping his tears away. I leaned back on the couch.

"I don't know Carl. I just feel different okay." 

"I still love you Grace." He said. 

I looked over at him and my heart broke even more. His head was in his hands and he was sobbing. "I know Carl and that's why this is so hard." 

"I am acting like this for a reason Sam. If I didn't I wanted be making all this money, you wouldn't have gotten this either if I didn't." He pulled out a box and when he opened it a beautiful diamond ring was placed inside. It must of cost thousands. "It was supposed to be a gift for Christmas, but I wanted to give it to you now. It's a promise ring. I promise I will stop acting like this, just please tell me you still love me. Lie if you have to." I shook my head and backed away. It was all too much. 

"I've got to go Carl. I'm sorry." And I ran out the back door. 

-----

As I recalled what happened my guilt got even worse. "Carl if you never want to see me I wouldn't blame you." He shook his head and grabbed my hands. I didn't realize how much I missed his touch. My skin instantly got warm. His touch was nothing compared to Shawn's. "I'm still gonna say it and people will probably call me a fool, but I still love you."

"Carl I cheated on you though." I said. 

"I know that and I am willing to forgive you because I love you." The lump was rising in my throat again. I knew he wanted me to say it back. 

"I love you too." I lied.