Seven Songs of Sam Series

Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly

But I'll miss your arms around me

I'd send a postcard to you, dear

'Cause I wish you were here

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. I could still hear the echo's of Y/n's screams when I would have to wake her from her nightmares. It has been a whole month, but I still wake up every morning to her screams. I reach over on instinct to shake her shoulders, but find nothing but cold blankets.

I miss the way that she would curl into me, wrapping her arms around my back and clinging to my shirt. The way that her hair smelled like coconuts, and would take over my senses when I pressed my nose to her head. I miss the way that her body would slowly stop shaking and she would raise her head to smile at me, her perfect lips curling just enough to tell me that she was okay.

Knowing I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep tonight I got up with a sigh. Y/n was still all over the room. She had been here long enough to move in and pretty much take over. I could see her clothes peeking out of the drawers, her books on the desk, and the many photos she had taken in a pile on the bedside table.

With a sad smile I picked them up, running my thumb along the edges. She smiled up at me from the top one. I was sitting at the table with Y/n leaning over me to take a selfie. I remembered that one. It was the last one she took. Flipping through them I saw the one where Dean was flipping her off, and the one where he was stuffing his face with pie. Then I came across one I didn't know she had taken.

It was one of me asleep on the couch. I had a book open on my chest. I had obviously fallen asleep researching, what I hadn't know though was that she had taken a picture of me.

The photo's fell from my hand as I slumped over. I didn't know what to do with out her. What would she tell me to do?

'Go get ice cream. Who care's if it's midnight?' I pulled on a t-shirt and my running shoes, not bothering to change my flannel pajama pants.

The bell rang above the door as I walked into Y/n's favorite ice cream shop that was open all night. I gave the young girl behind the counter a weak smile. She smiled back and then looked behind me for Y/n, her smile faltering.

"I, I thought you guys would be together forever." She whispered. "You guys were great together."

"She didn't leave me." I cringed at my tear think voice. "Well, she did. But not like that. She, she..." I couldn't bring myself to say that word.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." She ran around the counter, wrapping her small arms around my waist. "Ice cream's on the house tonight, okay?" She whispered, tears in her on eyes.

I'll watch the night turn light blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad

'Till I look at my hands and feel sad

'Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

Sometimes I would be able to forget about her. I didn't want to. But sometimes I would go for a run in the woods behind the bunker and everything would fade away. Silence surrounding me and invading every part of my being. I would glance down at my hands, and I would imagine the way that her fingers felt sliding through mine to rest perfectly together. That's when the tears would come.

I would break down, falling to my knees in the dirt, not caring about anything. The grief would take over everything, completely drowning out the silence. I would clench my hands together trying desperately to cling to that fading memory of her touch.

This is where I find myself yet again. I let the sobs rack my body as I stumble to a tree to support my weight. I reach it just as my knees give out, falling so that my shoulder slams into the bark painfully. I don't care that my tears are mixing with he dirt at my feet to make mud. As the tears subside into dry heaving I let myself slid down to the ground, I can't get her face out of my mind. The way she looked at me when she was trying to kill me. That would forever be my last memory of her. Nothing could change that.

The tears start up again and I can't take my eyes off my hands.

I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days

'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist deep in thought because when

I think of you I don't feel so alone

I'm sitting on the porch when Dean comes home. Cas is with him. They stop talking as soon as they see me. It doesn't matter though, as I'm too consumed by my thoughts of Y/n to comprehend what they're saying.

"Dude? When's the last time you've slept?" I realize that Dean is right in front of me, his hand on my shoulder. I don't remember him moving into that position. I shrug, honestly having no clue.

"Dean, can I talk to him for a moment please."

"Yeah sure. I'll be inside."

I can feel Cas' presence beside me, but I don't turn to look at him. His voice invades my privacy, and I want nothing more then fro him to leave me to my thoughts.

"I've been to her Heaven Sam." At that I am pulled from my depression. "She's happy. You're there too, in a ice cream shop. You talk and laugh all the time. It's very nice. She wouldn't want you to be like this Sam. She would want you to keep living." With that he doesn't wait for a response, just get's up and goes inside to Dean.

I stay sitting out there for the rest of the night, drowning my self in my sorrow one last time. Because he's right. She wouldn't want this. She would want me to not care that it's midnight and go get ice cream any way. Just as the sun starts to rise above the horizon I stand up and stretch the stiffness from my body. I turn and head inside to find Dean and Cas.

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won't forget you

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear:

"Oh darling, I wish you were here"