Hooking Up Isn't Fishing?

Raindrops Wrinkling Roses

This is an addition to the book and goes into more detail about the good times and the life that Josh and I lived together. I couldn't fit it all into a vague chapter so here's the memoir I wrote for his service

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".Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."― Kahlil Gibran 

The flower shop on the corner had always been my favorite. I spent many of times looking through the delicate flowers and finding the one I would pick. I enjoyed the fragile touch of the petals running through my finger. But, the feeling has become cold in my mind. The night it touched my hand was the night my stomach was in my throat.

The warm October air filled with the smells of autumn danced through the air like the clouds it was pushing. I was spending the night with the girls, a night on the town if you will. As we entered into the restaurant the smell of stale beer and savory snacks filled my lungs. It was familiar. We had spent many of weekends sitting in the booth in the corner watching the people pass by. Never once speaking up.

I could see out of the corner of my eye something unnoticed before. He was sitting at the small table all alone. But he was looking at me. As the night grew older, shorter grew my patience. I felt like the man sitting across the room was someone I was supposed to go to. Like the long lost brother I was supposed to meet. So I walked over.

He was startled. I spoke. And he smiled. The instant I touched the table the electricity in his body flowed into mine. There was an instant connection, and I was glued to my chair. My friends left and I insisted on staying. But the flower shop on the corner was closing soon, and I knew I had to go in. The aroma of sweet autumn flowers filled the air. And I was captured by the roses. Always captured by the elegance of the rose. The perfect flower to symbolize someone's blossoming feelings. The night carried on as it got later and darker, but the feeling of purpose stayed in my mind. There was some reason that I was supposed to meet him. And I was okay with that.

As we continued down the small street of shops I began to become more anxious. I had never met this person before today, tonight, two hours ago. But, somehow it felt like longer, like I had known him my entire life. As we began the short journey to the little sweet shop at the end we talked, hand-in-hand, with no care in the world. And then it occurred to me. We were meant to be.

The puzzle pieces of our life fit together like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. He knew exactly what it felt like to cope with the many challenges of life. Anxiety, depression, something that seemed to swallow me up like Jonah and a whale, he knew the feeling. As we walked to his car and began driving to my house I saw within the bags of many little things he had bought at the shops, was one velvet colored rose. As he approached my house he parked the car and walked around to me. Opened the door to the ever cold night. He walked to my door seeming more anxious than me. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small velvet rose that he had kept just for me. As I smelled the rose I looked up and was greeted by the sprinkling of rain and love. A tender kiss of the check and a good day was all I needed to feed that hopeless romantic in me. And then I walked in.

Closing the door behind me and slowly sliding my back down my rough door sitting on the soft white cloud of carpet. Breathing in the sweet smell of a tender loves rose. And sweetly and instantly I fell into the spell of simple child's crush. And I was okay with that.

As fall left and spring had passed by, summer approached. Summer was where all the best flowers bloomed anyway. As the late summer air brushed the suntanned skin of a bro tank and a crop top, I pulled my hair back from the blowing wind of a mid-summers day. The wind of a jeeps open top and the carefree feel of life intoxicated us both. We had arrived at our destination, beaches, camping, and all the memories you can buy. Hotel rooms covered in rose petals and birthdays with kisses and massages, i was the luckiest girl in the world. The breeze on the beach was warm just like the fire we sat by watching the sun pass away, all the bright colors of the sun danced across the sky as if our love could be shown for the whole world to see.

Seasons and even years had passed us by but, our love was still but a rose bud and the blossom hadn't begun to bloom. That year was my favorite. As our friendship bloomed so did the love of a new sort. After the long nights at the beach and the wonderful mornings waking up next to someone you love so dearly you wish you could hold onto them forever, but fate had another plan.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. the only words that spun through my head as I held the dozen roses and the doctors note. How could the one loved by many have the sickness that shrivels life itself? I could feel the room getting smaller and the tears running down my face as a buried my head in the ever fading chest of my love. I could feel the velvet petals shriveling like the man standing in front of me. He was so strong, how could it happen to him? how could this happen to me? I couldn't stand the news because slowly but sweetly i had fallen, fallen in love, fallen in love with him.

I could see it in his face, he was hurt. i could see that the hospital room was killing him faster than the cancer eating him up alive. I could feel the sorrow though every touch to my hand. His hands were cold, they were never cold. His glance was longing for me to stay, but school was still a thing. I had to keep going with my life even though his was ending. His was ending. Mine was ending.

I had spent many of nights in the hospital room sitting on the bed. My favorite of them all was the night we watched Dancing With the Stars with rose petals all over the floor as we ate dino chicken nuggies and PB&J sandwiches. How romantic? Not as romantic as it had seemed in my head. I watched as the once beautiful hair and face i had loved for two seasons fade away and leave. A new pale, and sickly boy sat in front of me and I wept as I saw him deteriorate right before my eyes. I remember so vividly the many car rides that we spent together listening to 90's music and singing along like there was nothing in this world to worry about. But, he knew.

He knew that once this started there was going to be an end and it wasn't the end that either of us wanted. It was the end that both of us knew was going to come.

The mother of the groom, what precious words. The words his bride would never hear. I wanted to be his bride, i wanted to be his everything. It seems like once everything is going good, its going cold. Everything dies with time. The petals fell off my roses and Josh was slowly losing his petals too. From chemo to chemo and car crash to chemo, he was dulling like the pencil writing our lives together. I was hoping that it would magically sharpen, but suddenly it broke. The lead was gone, and so was my love.

The night that he left his cruel world was the night that the photos were burned, that my head met a wall from so much anger. And the night that i realized that nothing lasts forever. Forever is just a concept we put into our own heads because we don't know how long something will last. But, in reality, there is NO SUCH THING AS FOREVER. EVERYTHING DIES! No matter how much you love something or someone, they must still leave. Fate is some cruel thing cutting the strings of life with his scissors. Just watching and getting pleasure out of the pure misery death causes.

I'm trying to breathe. holding my head up high.

'cause i can't retrieve, what makes me feel alive,

The darkness was cold,but.  you made me feel warm,

"i will love you till i'm old." you fixed my form,

I still need to say thanks, even though it's not needed,

now i am drawing blanks. now everything has been impeded,

Now that you're gone.

The once favorite flower shop at the end of the corner now serves as a reminder, a reminder of happy nights, sleeping near fires, raindrops on roses, and love. Blossoming, spontaneous love. The love that the sharp knife of a short life couldn't cut. The rose bush sitting outside my window reminds me.

Love is like a beautiful rose, blossoming in the right season. Beautiful to many and something held dear. It's universal, and never ending.

In Memory of my beloved Boyfriend for 3 years Joshua Jay (Jason) Johnson 12-13-14. May you rest your sweet head in heaven. I hope you realize how missed you really are! Love you always Babe.

xoxox -Mighty Mouse.