Hooking Up Isn't Fishing?

Almost Getting Caught.

You know when you look across the table and see your significant other and think "why the heck do they love me?" but, then that leads you to thinking "why do I love them?"

Well, I ran into this problem, I couldn't figure out why I loved this kid I called "love". I think it all stems back to what is love? I mean more than the physical "banging the brains out of someone", but the real connection.  where was the spark? Where was that thing that made me ever so happy? I couldn't find it anymore. It seemed like we had fallen into that "bored stage" everyone talks about. (usually where someone is caught cheating)  And I was feeling these feelings.

Let me start by saying that I have been in serious relationships before and with more than one person (not at the same time, I don't have that kind of time) I couldn't imagine balancing all that and life. So when I say that relationships are about hard work and a lot of "what can I deal with and live without?" I mean it. (promise me, if you make compromises - not in your standards- you'll thank me later.) But, everyone has a breaking point, and I had reached mine. I'm a pretty tolerant person (if you're not driving in front of me at an extremely slow speed) and will put up with  lot, but I don't like to be taken advantage of. I also don't like to be micro managed. I like to do me in all ways possible and to be able to breathe. I don't like people or their thoughts and feelings to restrain me from all the things I want to do. And I especially don't like to be clung to like a magnet and a refrigerator. I like having space. (everyone can just stay behind the velvet rope and wait...)

well, this is the one Achilles tendon of my relationship with Matthew. HE'S VERY CLINGY. Like he wants to do everything with me and be there every second of the day with me. (ummm I think not, that's not how I like to roll) HE would spend every second of everyday doing exactly what I want to do, no questions asked and no argument. (I feel like that is every girls dream, but, its kinda annoying when it actually happens.) I'm kinda one of those people that we could sit on the couch together and be doing completely things, we can be touching and talking here and there, but, not just paying all the attention in the world to the other person.

I do think that we should pay attention to our partners an give them the respect that they deserve. But, part of that is giving them the space they need to not explode. And like many girls (and you can deny this all you want, but you know its true) I hold onto what bothers me in assurance that its saving the other persons feelings, and then all of a sudden exploding. ( we all do it. admit it.) And I was about to Mt. Vesuvius, exploding all over my Pompeii.

"All I need is a little bit of space." It wasn't entirely a lie. What I really wanted to say was "leave me the heck alone completely for a couple minutes, hours, and days. I need some time and space away from your crazy." Since I have gotten a concussion big things with a lot of things happening, like school and dances or shopping, all became harder and less enjoyable; because my brain starts to hate me. And I'm not a whiner so I keep it to myself and suck it up and move on. But, drama and be restrained don't help my head. Cause then I panic and then I get anxious and then I get mad. I don't handle stress well.(as you could probably notice since I have a whole chapter devoted to ranting about my relationship problems.) But, sometimes I feel bad for Matthew cause he just sits there, teary eyed, listening to me yell at him and rage until I get it out of my system. And then I am able to calm down and then its okay.

He told me the other day, "you know the things you say when you're mad are super hurtful and personal. But I know, that if I don't let you get it out of your system then you'll just explode so I take it. And I love you because at least you then tell me everything that's weighing you down."

And I just sat there and felt so terrible. So here's the point to this whole ranting chapter, One, to show that every "perfect" relationship has its ups and downs. Two, to prove that everyone needs a little alone time. Three, space lets love grow.

Here's what I have learned about SPACE:

1.Space allows people to think and gives them the time needed to fix things with themselves and then realize the things they want. Space also allows people to know what they truly miss and love.

2.Space give you the room to breathe and lets you take a break from people, social media, and life for a day. (heck I did yoga and relaxed. And knowing me that's a big deal.)

3.Space also allows one to miss the thing they thought they hated. I shortly realized that I missed MAtthew and his little jokes and all the thins he would pester and talk to me about. (although I didn't miss hearing the same story over and over again. Most of which I was there for)

4. Space is soooooo nice and good or the brain and for the heart. Its a very mediational activity. (I took a nap, and I never get to do that cause Matthew and i are always doing something. I swear that kid never just sits and relaxes.)

Here's what I learned about LOVE:

1.Love that is true will endure SPACE.

2. Love isn't just physical attraction. Its hard work, a little sweat (yes the fun kind), and a lot of compromise.

3. Love is something worth putting work and effort into keeping. Once you have found the sparkle with someone why trade it for a small glimmer. Just turn your sparkle into a shine.

(okay I am kinda sorry you had to read all that, but I hope It helps someone somewhere.)