Prologue
Weightless. I am completely weightless and I feel totally and utterly free. I feel like I am flying. It is what I imagine flying in a plan would be like, being above everybody else and not having you feet on the ground. Your life is wholly in the hands of the stranger pilot. All your trust goes into some person you don't know, and all you can believe is that the pilot has the credentials to be flying. My life was in somebody else's hands once before. I could have died in a car crash when I was nine with my parents in the front. I tend not to think about it voluntarily, though. The way I felt that day...I never want to feel so helpless, so weak, ever again.
For once I have no schedule, or set readings, or assessments. I have finished university for the year and will not go back for another three months. There is nothing on my mind but relaxation, everything that I learnt this year has left me but I'm not worried. I know I will remember it all for next year, my fourth and final year of studying teaching. I love children, so the career seemed like a no brainer. I don't have housework to do or have Kane, my boyfriend of three years, yelling at me because some guy was checking me out. Gran says that he will have to marry an ugly and mean hearted woman otherwise he will die alone. I share her belief but Kane and I have been in this relationship for so long, we have so many memories. So maybe he gets mad at times but he has never hit me, he threatened to once but he loves me too much to actually hurt me. He tells me that all the time. He is constantly telling me he loves me.
I want to have complete control of my life. I want to have the choice of life or death in my small hands. I don't want Kane telling me what to do, or to have my life in someone else's possession. I only trust one person enough to give them the rains of my life and she is 66-years-old.
It is peaceful as I float on top of the water, I can hear the wind rustling the trees and birds chirping. The air smells of decaying leaves and fresh water. It is a combination of the two smells that triggers memories from the car crash, but I am in control and I choose not to remember that life changing night. I wave my hands under the water and focus on the feel of the water running past my hands and through my fingers for a few moments.
Crickets chirp loudly and I hear the faint rustling of a large lizard or small animal.
I want to feel it again so I take a breath and let myself sink. I hold my breath as I go under and soon I can hear nothing. I continue to slowly sink. It is what it was like; I was exactly like this eleven years ago in the crash. Being completely submerged in the dark abyss of water. I should have died. It was a miracle that I survived. I had grave injuries and somehow I didn't drown. I don't remember much from that night.
My lungs start to burn with lack of oxygen and air bubbles escape my lips. My eyes are closed but I can imagine them rising to the surface; wobbling like jelly, taking on a look akin to small jelly fish. My lungs are on fire now and I am desperate for air. This is it. I am in control, nobody else, just me. I can choose to end my life right now, just as it should have when I was nine.
I'm not suicidal; I love my life and have very little regrets. There are too many people that need me, my gran being on the very top of that list. I have too much self worth, which is again why I make the ultimate choice...
In a hurry I move my feet under me. The creek bed is rocky and slimy under my feet, making it had for me to push myself up with force. I feel the water caress my body as I rise to the surface. The temperature of the water changes from dark coldness to the safe, warm top.
I am not suicidal even though I have been doing this every year since the crash. I just don't want to know the feeling of being completely helpless, like I did that day. I want to control whether I die or not.
