LANCE AND THE DEVIL'S CANDY
By Randy Fairbanks
WFMU - Greasy Kid Stuff
Uncle Randy's Story Minute #14
11/9/96
One day, as he was walking to school, Lance passed Satan in the playground by the monkey bars.
As usual, Lance tried to walk on by, not make eye contact. But suddenly, Satan called out to him: "Hey, Lance. Got something for you!" Then he pulled from his pocket a fat, watermelon-flavored gummi rat.
Breathless, Lance gazed at the candy. It looked so juicy, so sweet, that Lance felt light-headed, desperately hungry. He approached the monkey bars, eyeing Satan suspiciously. He knew to be careful before accepting food from the devil.
"What do you want for it?"
"Nothing. I was just going to throw it out. Didn't want it to go to waste." replied Satan.
"I'll take it!" said Lance, impulsively. Then he grabbed the candy from the devil's hands, ran into the bushes and gobbled it down. By the time he was finished he was late for school. But Lance didn't care. It was the most delicious gummi rat he'd ever tasted!
From then on, every morning before school, Satan called out to Lance, offering him delicious treats - Gummi sharks and lizards! Gummi tarantulas, scorpions! Lance accepted them eagerly, astonished at his good fortune to be chosen as the sole recipient of the devil's leftover candy.
One morning, as Lance was sucking down a handful of gummi maggots, he said to Satan, "Satan, you've given me all this candy, and never asked for anything in return. You know, you're not so bad at all. You're actually quite nice."
"Thank you, Lance", replied Satan casually, "But don't worry, I'll receive my payment when your teeth all rot and fall out of your mouth." Then the devil laughed and Lance laughed along, assuming that his friend was just joking.
But later on, Lance began to wonder: Were his teeth really going to rot? Were they rotting already? Panicking, Lance ran to a mirror. Stretching away both sides of his mouth, he leaned in close. Then he saw them - Tiny brown spots! Cavities! Spreading! Growing!
Lance gasped, rushed back to his room. His mind raced with thoughts of filth and decay. His teeth began to ache. He could feel them growing looser. Clutching his mouth, Lance sobbed into his pillow.
After that, Lance's performance in school began to suffer. He stopped speaking, afraid that his classmates would mock him for his abominable oral hygiene. He even tried to stop breathing, afraid that his breath would stink of rotten eggs. At night, Lance couldn't sleep. He just lied awake moaning, his teeth pounding with pain.
Lance's mother decided that something had to be done. Storming into his room, one morning, she announced, "Lance, I think it's time you saw a dentist!"
Lance screamed. This was exactly what he had been dreading. He begged and pleaded as his mother dragged him to the car. He threw a tantrum in the waiting room. Crying hysterically in the dentist's chair, he refused to open his mouth for the dentist's assistant.
Finally, the dentist appeared. He was an old man, quiet and gentle. He had white hair, a white lab coat, and when he smiled, his teeth sparkled bright white. Eyeing Lance calmly, he said, "Why are you being so silly? What are you afraid of?"
"My teeth are all rotten! You're going to pull them out!"
The old man just shook his head. "Lance, please, get a hold of yourself. You may have many cavities. But, you know, just because a tooth is rotten, doesn't mean it has to come out."
Sniffling, Lance replied, "It doesn't?"
"Of course not! We can scrape out the decay, then fill the tooth, fortifying it, making it strong again, resistant. The rest is up to you. You must brush twice a day, floss regularly, and most important of all - You must steer clear of sweets!"
After his appointment, Lance felt relieved. His teeth were saved! They felt so healthy and clean, so smooth and white! Walking to school, he pondered the old dentist's advice. "What a wise man", Lance thought. "Maybe, I'll become a dentist, so that, one day, I could give the same advice to a poor boy just like me!"
Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. "Hey, Lance. Got something for you!" - It was Satan, of course.
Without fear, Lance approached the monkey bars. He was just about to begin lecturing against the evils of sweets when he saw something hanging out of the devil's pocket - A dark, purple, raspberry gummi snake! Lance froze. Once again, he felt light-headed, desperately hungry.
"Go ahead. It's yours", said the devil, "Unless you want me to throw it out!"
Lance wanted to say, "Yes, throw it out. Throw it far, far away!" but he couldn't. He couldn't even utter a word. Trembling, Lance reached forward, and, with tears in his eyes, grabbed hold of the candy. Pulling it from the devil's pocket, he realized that it was extremely long - No matter how much he pulled, more and more snake kept coming. Coiling it around himself, Lance began to laugh. Smiling sadly, he said, "It doesn't have an end!"
Satan smiled back. "I guess you're right, Lance. It doesn't."
