LANCE AND THE BEAUTIFUL, BLACK BOX
By Randy Fairbanks
WFMU - Greasy Kid Stuff
Uncle Randy's Story Minute #26
3/20/99
One day, Lance was walking home from school with his sister, Mallory, when he saw a beautiful, black box with dials and knobs on it.
"Look, Mallory!" he cried. "A beautiful, black box with dials and knobs on it!"
"It's a radio, Lance," replied Mallory, rolling her eyes.
"A radio! A radio!" shouted Lance, jumping up and down. "I'm going to bring it home! I'm going to play cards with it!"
Mallory shook her head, rolling her eyes once again. "You don't play cards with a radio. You turn it on and it plays music."
"Oh!" said Lance. "I get it. Music!"
Then, excited, he picked up the beautiful, black box and carried it home with him. He carried it up the stairs, down the hall and into his room. He placed it carefully on his pillow and switched it on.
A red light in the center of the radio lit up brightly. Then, just as Mallory had predicted, music began to play. It was the most beautiful music Lance had ever heard - genuine ventriloquist songs, authentic ventriloquist dance music, straight from the land of Ventrilopolis!
From then on, every day after school, Lance would run straight home to listen to his radio. He'd listen to it all afternoon. He'd listen to it when he was eating. He'd listen to it when he was bathing. He'd even listen to it when he was supposed to be sleeping.
Soon, Lance decided that this beautiful, black box was not only his radio, it was his friend! His best friend! It was the best friend he'd ever had!
But one day, something very unexpected, and very, very sad began to happen. The ventriloquist songs and ventriloquist dance music coming from the radio began to grow faint and distant. The red light on the radio began to grow dim.
Frightened, Lance ran to Mallory. "My radio!" he cried. "I think it's sick! I think it needs a doctor! A radio-ologist!"
Once again, Mallory shook her head and rolled her eyes, impatiently.
"It doesn't need a radio-ologist! It needs money! Radio's need money to survive! You understand, Lance? Money! Money! Any amount will do! JUST GIVE IT MONEY!"
"Oh!" said Lance. "I get it. Money!"
"That's right," said Mallory. "If you'd like, I could lend you some at a reasonable rate of interest."
Quickly, Mallory drafted a contract outlining the terms of her loan. Then she produced a thick wad of cash. Lance grabbed it, raced back to his room and handed it over to his ailing radio.
Immediately after accepting Lance's donation, the radio perked up. Its light brightened.
"Thank you, Lance," said the radio, "I feel much better, now."
Excited, Lance climbed onto his bed and waited to hear wonderful ventriloquist songs, exotic ventriloquist dance music straight from the land of Ventrilopolis. He stared expectantly at the radio, but the radio remained silent.
"Listen, Lance," it finally said. "Do I really have to keep playing music? Can't we ever do anything else?"
"We could play cards," suggested Lance.
"Sounds good to me!" replied the radio. Then, casually, it produced a deck of cards and started dealing.
"All right!" the radio announced. "Game's 'Seven Card Hi-Lo'. Jacks are wild. Queens or better to open. Are you in, Lance?"
Lance nodded happily as he collected his cards.
"I'm in!"
