A Case Of The Heartbreaks

nσthíng íѕ thє ѕαmє αѕ ít ѕtαrtєd

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fαtє вrσught uѕ tσgєthєr σnlч tσ tєαr uѕ αpαrt ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok.
Maybe you're wondering why i'm still here even though i said this is the worst idea ever?
I guess..i'm here because i don't know where else to go.

I have three very close friends.

one of them, she's..conceited. i don't mind her selfishness. really, i don't. i've come to accept it after all these years and it's not really important for me.

but...i can't talk to her because she's an awful listener. you know that saying "don't listen to reply" or something along those lines? well, she doesn't even listen to reply. she doesn't listen. she just starts talking about herself, and while i never mind helping her, it gets tiring, and frankly, it doesn't feel all that fucking nice when you really need to be fixed but she says she needs an even better repair!

my second close friend, i really adore her. but i've never searched for comfort or advices in that aspect, because her character isn't like that. she's an anti love type of girl, and while she is just like me in a fangirl sense, she has no experience nor interest. perhaps, if i'm too overwhelmed, i'll speak to her. but i know her. she won't know what to say. and i don't mind this, because i wouldn't want to waste our time talking with something as stupid as my broken heart.

and my third close friend, closest of all, i've already talked to her a million times about this subject. actually, that's a lie. we've talked, but i've never spoken everything. i've talked to a small number of people, asking for advice, but i've never explained everything to any one.

another reason why i can't speak to my closest friend, is because, i'm supposed to be over everything.

but i'm not.

i'm not.

i look into the mirror and find more flaws in myself every passing day.
i don't like my face.
i don't like my appearance.
there's always a flaw, whether minor or not, there's always a flaw.

and it's quite upsetting, because i blame my face on his rejection. i blame the flaws i find in myself. i blame it on myself for being so ugly.

why?

why do i blame myself?

i don't know.

i watched a video, it said that just because a person rejects us doesn't mean we're not good enough or we're ugly, it just means that the person who rejects us had a different judgement.

i don't know, but personally, if i were better, prettier, dumber, curvier, lighter, shorter, cuter, quieter, cooler; if i were flawless, if i weren't so clumsy and different; if i were good enough, i wouldn't have been rejected in the first place.

he didn't like me, and he had all the reasons in the world for this.

i liked him, because he was amazing, despite his flaws.