The Runaway Boy // Jalex

don't

"Hold me close don't let go, watch me"

Warning: self harm

Jacks POV:

I found it amazing. How alex literally brought a stranger into his house. An ugly suicidal runaway kid off the street and give them a place to stay. He has a good heart.
I may be rather happy around him and I'm around him a lot but when I'm not my bad thoughts and depression kick in again. He's the reason I still fight. I'm alive for him. His smile. His hugs. His eyes. His hair. Its all part of him. He keeps me safe.
"Gotta go to the shop dude, try stay hidden for a while" Alex kisses my cheek gently. Its become a habit really. Cheek kisses and cuddling.
"Sure" I fake a smile which he believes is real and skipped out the door. I go the the bathroom opening cupboard's and drawers until I find a eyeliner pencil sharper. With the screwdriver I found in Alex's room I open it and remove the blade with a grin .                        

It felt like forever since I've done this when it'd actually been at the most 3 days. Without holding back I take the blade and scrape it against my waist. At first I thought it wasn't working so I went deeper into my waist
I don't cut my wrists. if I did people would notice it and I don't want people to know I do it. Alex knows but still.
Sad memories haunt my mind of everything that happened at home. The memories that will never leave. Ones that will remain with me until I die.
Relief tingled through my body through each scrape. I Was feeling what I deserved to feel. pain. I don't deserve a chance to live. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve Alex.
I could end this right here. I raise the blade to my neck. All I'd have to do is a few little cuts and stabs and I could die. I could end all the pain. Just one large cut and bam, the pain will be gone.. Forever
"Jack what are you.. Oh my god" I turn around to see alex with tears in his eyes I drop the blade and he runs and hugs me trying to hold back emotions. Small stains of blood soak into his shirt as he holds me.
"Jack.. Jack.. Please jack.. Fuck don't.. Please.. Jack" he stutters taking deep breathes.
"I'm sorry for scaring you.. I wasn't going to. I was imagining what it would be like. I told you I won't leave you" he simply nods continuing his breathes.
"I don't deserve you Alex" I mumble. He looks up at me our eyes locking
"What'd you mean?" I sigh sadly
"Alex you're the most kindest, amazing, cutest, greatest and most caring Guy I've ever met. I don't deserve anything other than pain" he takes my hands in his own keeping our eyes locked
"You deserve much more than me. I'm only human. The only people you've run into is the dicks in society. There is better people than me and you deserve them forget about me"
"Alex you're the only reason Im alive. No one else could do that. Im alive for you because you're all I have" I confess. Alex stays quiet for a few minutes wiping his eyes
"Just don't leave me. Promise and don't break it okay. Please jack don't leave me" his voice cracks a little through every word as he releases shaky breaths.
Is this what it's like? To feel like someone really cares. For once in my life i can feel Someone care. This is honestly the best feeling I've ever felt
"Okay alex.. I'm sorry dude I'm just.. I don't know"
"Jacky I promise I care dude. I need you to live. For me okay dude" I nod slowly
After a while of silence Alex speaks.
"Hey wanna watch a movie? I told you I'd watch tons with you" I smile and nod. He returns the smile and runs down stairs. Probably for food.
I clean the bathroom remembering I left a blade on the floor and flushed it. Maybe if I tried I could quit the habit.
When Alex comes upstairs again He has food and a movie.
"You ever seen Me before you? Its not my kinda thing but it might be yours I wanna see what types of movies you like" he says flashing me an extremely cure grin.
"Sure let's go for it" I say. He nods quickly and places bowls of food down everywhere and places the DVD in the TV and turns it on.
Once again I find myself cuddling Alex. Sometimes you have to realise how lucky you are to have somebody. I started with nothing and now I have something.
Every so often I glance at Alex because in the corners of my eyes I can see him looking at me. Each time I look he looks away. I smile and look back to the movie.
It was actually a really cute yet sad movie. The whole time I barely moved because I was so comfortable with Alex's arms wrapped around me. He really was the sweetest guy.
We weren't bothered to get changed or anything so we turned on Alex's playlist. We fell asleep to bring me the horizon. He said there is something about metal music that helps him sleep. It clears his mind. It definitely cleared mine. He held me till I fell asleep and I have never felt better.

______

When I woke up still in Alex's arms it made me think about my brother Jake. He turned six the day I left. I left him alone. No big brother to protect him from the storm. I'm still not going back. I promise I will never go back. I might not be able to stay with alex forever but I will for a long time hopefully.
I slip out of Alex's arms and get a marker and paper and scribble "I'm just going for a walk okay. I'm not killing myself I promise. I just need air. Be back soon. Jack Barakat x"
It was probably 8 am but I really wanted to be alone for a while. Not that I don't love spending time with Alex. I just need to think the words I can't articulate out loud.
I wondered through the cold streets just walking straight so I know to just turn around to get back.
I've left behind everything bad so why aren't i happy yet. My therapist always told me recovery takes time but I don't have time. All I have is a boy who I live with who cares about me. A stunning boy who cares about me.
My therapist always said stupid inspirational quotes and told me more about depression. I'm pretty sure I knew I was depressed. He tried telling me it might be a phase. It wasn't. He told me to stand up to the bullies. Maybe he should go into the body of a week teenage boy who's had nothing good all his life and try find self esteem and fail and end up almost dying everyday you went to school or went home. Everywhere I went i could have died. Maybe my destiny is to die. Maybe Alex is trying to hold back my nonexistent future.
Or maybe its destiny that I'm alive. Maybe I was meant to meet Alex and he could save me. Maybe Alex is an angel. He certainly acts like it. Yeah Alex is probably an angel.