Keep A Heart (Sequel to Fix A Heart)

Chapter 7

Keep A Heart

Chapter 7

"I want to run, I want to hide.
From all the pain he caused inside.
I want to scream, I want to cry.
Why can't I tell him Goodbye?
I want to move on, I just can't let go. I love him more than he will ever know." -Jeniffer Huck

Blair's POV:

Trying to get out of bed was the hardest thing to do, because Harrys arms were actually wrapped around me when I awoke. And I really missed the feeling, so I stayed. I know when he awakes he will probably get up to shower right away, not like how we used to stay in bed and steal kisses and touches until afternoon. So I took advantage of it, nuzzling my head into his chest, listening to his steady intakes of breath. It's when I heard him let out a particularly deep sigh that I knew he had started to wake up, wanting to cling my arms and legs around him to make sure he stayed with me. I want him to secure me in a hug. And I mean a good one, the kind that shows he loves me, and will protect me. Like he used to do.

So I keep my head against his chest so he can't see my saddened face, making him believe that I'm still asleep as his eyes open. I kept mine closed, my heart fluttering as his fingertips run up and down my arm, relaxing my supposed 'sleeping' body. I didn't want him to know I was awake, because I felt as if it would ruin the moment. But my mission fails as I hear Harry speak up.

"Good morning." He tells me, fingers still tracing my arm. I let out a sigh.

"Morning." I answer, my body inching closer to his absentmindedly, an ache forming in my stomach at the thought of him leaving the warmth of our bed.

I started to wonder at what point in the night Harry had pulled my body into his in his unconsciousness, but couldn't quite remember. Maybe it's because I'm used to it. Used to having his arms wrapped around me. "When did you get home last night?" He asks me, his caring actions to my arm stalling.

"Late.." I answer, avoiding the part of saying I was late because of sitting in my car and crying for an hour.

"How did you know I was awake?" I ask him.

"You move your feet...I don't know." He says, as if he doesn't really know how he knew. I guess it's a habit, which he's mentioned a couple times. But I don't realize I do it. I just absentmindedly rub my feet together, sometimes even rubbing Harrys calf.

"You like rub them together or something." He tries to explain again, making me laugh to myself softly.

Things fell silent, and we layed still in each others arms. It feels like he doesn't even want to touch me anymore. He hasn't caressed my sides as he usually does when we wake up, he doesn't try and steal cheeky kisses under the covers. He doesn't try to get his hand up under my t-shirt as I cook dinner in the kitchen for us, or cheekily ask to come cuddle with him on the sofa, which always turned into a steamy make out session which he'd probably planned on. He's just not himself lately, and I miss him.

I tilt my head up to see him staring at the ceiling with a crease in his brows, like there are hidden patters in it which he's trying to find. I try to gain his attention with my gaze. But when he doesn't look, I rest upon my elbow, lifting my hand to tilt his face down to eye level with me. "I miss you, Harry." I say softly, his eyebrows furrowing together again at my words.

"What do you mean?" He questions, sleepiness still evident in his cute morning voice.

Our eyes fluttered over one another's face, until my gaze finally met his lips. I lean up, pressing a firm kiss to his soft, crave-able lips. And when he kisses back, a small smile forms on my lips which still move in sync with his. I pull away, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face into the crook.

"I miss that." I tell him, stupidly feeling as if I'm going to cry. But I don't let myself, forcing them away.

His arms wrap round me tighter, pulling me into his body, plump lips being pressed to the top of my head. "Will you go with me today?" I ask him softly after a minute or two, remembering how I craved his company yesterday as I sat in the hospital all alone.

He was quiet, and I knew exactly what that meant. I sit up on my elbow, "You aren't going to go are you?" I accuse him, pushing myself off his chest to sit criss crossed beside his laying frame.

His mouth opens to respond, but no words come out, and I nod my head with pursed lips in confirmation, knowing I'm right. "Great." I mumble.

"I didn't say that." He murmurs, looking down at his hands.

"It's what you didn't say, Harry. You had me go alone yesterday and now your going to do it today." I tell him, getting more irritated by the second. I feel my cheeks tingle with heat, my anger rising to tint my cheeks a shade darker.

"Don't think of it that way." He snaps, making my jaw tighten involuntarily. I know Harry has a short temper, but he doesn't intimidate me at all.

"Then how should I think of it Harry? You've been avoiding me for over a week, for reasons that I'm still trying to find out. Is it because you just don't....want me anymore?" I ask the last sentence softly, almost insecurely, but bitterness was still evidently clear in my voice.

"Of course I still want you." He sits up in bed, his large hand coming to rest upon my leg. The warmth sinks into my flesh, but I push his hand off with my own, rolling my eyes.

"Stop it, Harry. You know what I mean. You haven't even kissed me in a week before today. You don't seem yourself anymore." I tell him, my teeth grinding together.

"I just can't take it Blair, Brynn was supposed to be my little girl. The little girl that I waited months for." His eyes are filled with the emotions of sadness, irritation, and maybe even anger. But I stand my ground to the masculine boy before me, well aware of his strength, but knowing he would never use it against me.

I stare at him in almost disbelief, "I carried her! And you know what, sometimes I feel like its my fault! That I didn't do something right and that's why she almost didn't make it okay? So don't think that this is hardest on you, Harry. We are on the same boat here." By now, my eyes are sparkling with tears, and my throat is scratchy as I yell at him. I hate yelling, but I let everything get to me. I really hate yelling at Harry.

"I....can't take seeing her. Maybe you can, but not me. I can't just sit there, and...." He trails off. I knew the words he wanted to say without him speaking them, a tear rolling down my cheek. His voice is rough, but he doesn't yell.

"Stop acting like she's already gone, dammit!" I cry out, our bed sheet balled up in my clenched fists.

"Blair-"

"No! I feel like I'm the only one keeping us on our feet. I try to keep my shit together, but I can't anymore Harry, I can't. I need you here with me but you never are anymore." I lean my head down, my elbows rested on my thighs as I still sit criss crossed, rubbing my eyes with my hands; embarrassing sobs escaping my lips.

"I'm not acting like she's gone!" He retorts, veins protruding from his neck as his voice builds up to a shout.

"Yes, Harry, you are." I speak, throwing the covers off my lap to climb out of bed.

"You hardly speak to me anymore, and don't think I haven't noticed you aren't playing music anymore. And Harry, I can't stand this. I can't stand to keep trying to make us happier when you put no effort in." I refuse to look at him, my hair framing around my face as I look for clothes on our bedroom floor.

"Blair, don't.... leave..." He tells me, sensing my next actions.

"I'm leaving. I don't...want to be around you right now. I'm sorry." I sniffle, a frown forming on my face at the furrow his brows hold, the sadness his eyes contain.

He doesn't even know what to say, and I can tell. Maybe he knows what I said was true, or maybe he's just angry with me. But either one, I'm still leaving. I now have jeans pulled over my bare legs, taking off Harrys t-shirt to put on my own, all the while Harry remains sat up in bed watching me silently. His jaw is tense as I toss his t-shirt on the ground.

Once I had grabbed my purse which was layed on the floor, I sling it over my shoulder, turning to meet eyes with Harry. "If you don't want to see our baby anymore, fine, I won't ask you from now on." I tell him, watching his eyes flicker down to his lap.

"Just know..." I pause, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

"Just know that last night, I was late because I sat in the car crying down the block, wishing you had came with me. I had to watch them prick her with fucking needles, had to watch my baby cry and was able to do nothing about it, and I was all alone. And on top of that, I wanted to know why you've been so distant from me. The thought even occurred that maybe it was because you thought it was my fault that Brynn is sick, and that made me feel worse." My voice cracked, so I clear my throat quietly.

My voice was wobbly and shaky, but I proceeded to talk, never meeting the green, dull, eyes that I knew were on me as I looked passed him.

"And if you want to know why I'm
mad, it's because you haven't been here. You haven't been here for me when I need you most. We're supposed to go through this hard time together, but it's just me." I shrug my shoulders weakly with pursed lips, batting away the tears that pool in my eyes.

My eyes glance to Harry, and his face looks pained, and I look away from him as quickly as possible as I see the glint of tears in his eyes.

"I'll be back....later." I murmur lastly, clumsily, due to my blurry eyesight exiting the room, not hearing another word from Harry as I slam the door closed. He didn't even try to stop me.

But I thought too soon, because I heard him yell out my name finally, causing me to run even faster down the hall, escaping out the front door before he could make me turn back around.

***

The only place I could think of to go was Sadie's house. She opened the door immediately, taking my body which was racking with sobs into her arms. The first thing she did was set me on the couch with a fuzzy blanket which I used to love when I lived here, and then, came out of the kitchen with two wine glasses, and a bottle in hand.

Even though it was morning, I took the wine she offered and drank it down, watching as she refilled the clear glass. We didn't talk much. Instead, we cuddled up on the couch under the large fluffy blanket, sipping wine and watching reruns of Pretty Little Liars; while eating ice cream of course. Every now and then we would make a comment on one of the girls outfits, or make a remark on one of the hot boys. But we didn't dare talk about Harry or Brynn. I'd already explained everything there was to know, and that's all that was needed to be said. And now I just need some best friend-Sadie time, some comfort.

Afternoon rolled around and we had moved onto Pretty in Pink, my favorite movie. And after that, Thor. It was just like the old days, sitting in and being lazy. And I liked it. I missed it. But once evening came in, I knew I should go home to Harry, no matter how nervous that made me. I don't want him to sleep alone, yet I don't want to spend another night sleeping on our own sides of the bed. So I made myself get up to face my problems, finishing off my glass of wine, which equaled to three all together. Not enough to get me tipsy even, just calmed.

"It will be okay Blair." Sadie tells me, her lips quirked in sympathy as she looked at me. I only nod my head before pulling her in for a hug. Tugging my sweater around my body, I enter the shower of rain, taking my time to get to my car. Even if you run, you'll still get drenched. So why not just take your time. I didn't listen to the radio on the drive home, instead listening to the rain pelt my volts-wagons windshield, the old wipers squeaking along with the beautiful sound. And even when I pulled into the driveway I sat in silence, staring up at the beautiful house that I get to call home. But sometimes, like now, it doesn't feel like a happy home at all. I force myself from my car, emerging into the rain again, my hair which had started to dry in its natural waves getting weighed down by water again. But I didn't mind.

When I opened the door the first thing I noticed is that it was dark, flicking on the doorway light to enter the house. My eyebrows turn into a frown as I see Harrys belt and shoes and socks strewn on the floor carelessly by the hallway entryway, kicking off my own by the door. I take off my soaked sweater before hanging it on the hook, curiously peering down the dark hallway in search for him.

"Harry?" I call out. No answer.

I checked the kitchen, the living room, our bedroom, and then began to get nervous as his presence wasn't in any bathrooms. My last thought was that he would be outside, but that was my last resort. And when I peek out the sliding glass door to our back porch, I finally see him. His back is to me as he sits on the patio couch, which is as drenched as himself from the rain. He sits slouched, legs parted and elbows rested on his knees lazily. I wondered why he was just sitting there getting wet, seeming unlike him to want to go sit out and enjoy the rain like I would do. But then I see him lift an arm that was rested on one of his knees, tilting back the whiskey bottle which is clasped in his hand to take a swig. My throat tightened, my heartbeat picking up pace at the sight.

I couldn't force myself to do anything instead of staring out the sliding glass door at him, witnessing him taking three more drinks from the bottle. I pulled myself together, jaw tightening as I grip the handle, pulling the door open with force so he would hear my presence. All Harry does is glance over his shoulder to detect the sound, red rimmed eyes landing on me for just a second before turning back, bottle connecting with his red tinted lips again. I stalk out onto the patio slowly, wondering just how drunk he is. But I didn't have to wonder too much, because the bottle was almost gone. And I knew we had no alcohol in our house, he had went out and bought it new. He's wasted.

I wanted to shout at him for turning back to old habits. For breaking his promises to me of never doing this again. But I also wanted to swipe away the matted, wet hair from his face, and wipe away the tears that I knew were being shed even though the rain shielded it. All I could do was look at him as he stared ahead, his strong, prominent jaw set tight. I jumped in place as he spoke.

"I tried." Is what passed his lips as the rain drizzled over them. I cross my arms over my chilled body, taking another few, small steps towards him.

"I tried to be there for you...for her. But I couldn't find it in me. I was hurt, sad, and selfish. Indulging in my own self pity. And I didn't realize that until you left." He lifts the bottle again, the liquid which I know will scorch down your throat passing his lips.

I felt as if I opened my mouth, I would scream at him or just break down into sobs, so I kept my jaw tightened and my lips sealed to wait for more words to come from him.

"And the funny thing is." He laughs, no humor or happiness in his dull, heartless chuckle.

"Is that I can't blame you for being mad at me. Or for yelling at me this morning. I deserved it. I deserved everything that has happened."

"Don't say that." I hear myself speaking, not even thinking about my actions.

"Say what? The truth?" His eyes meet mine for the first time since I've stepped onto the porch. But the eye contact broke almost immediately as he shook his head, staring back ahead.

"Neither of us deserved what happened Harry. Shitty things just happen. Even to a baby girl that has so many people that love her and want her to be home." I tell him. He doesn't respond, finishing off the bottle of whiskey before tossing it carelessly to the floor beneath him.

"I didn't mean to say those things this morning." I attempt to make him speak to me.

"But now I know what you've been thinking of me. Someone who doesn't care about you or his child." His words were laced with bitterness, but I didn't know if it was aimed towards me. Maybe himself, or maybe this shitty world, or maybe, just maybe, it could be me.

"That is not true." My words were stern, and I knelt before him without even thinking about it.

"That is not true, Harry." I repeat.

He still looks passed me, and I could see in his eyes that my words did nothing to phase his thoughts. "Look at me." I demand, eagerly waiting for his eyes to shift down to meet eye contact.

They do, and I make sure he remains to look at me by taking his face in my hands. I felt sick to my stomach at the smell of alcohol leaking passed his lips, very angry at him for doing this. I wanted to shout at him and leave again, but knew I couldn't abandoned him in his state. So I remained calm, looking into his glassy, un-sobered eyes.

"I know you care about Brynn and I. Maybe you didn't do the best job at managing your feelings, but I know you love us. I know you love me." I tell him.

I could feel his jaw tightening and untightening in my hands, hoping he couldn't tell I was crying through my voice, because the rain was hiding its physical appearance. But I didn't know if he could process much in his drunken state. I couldn't even stop the next words from exiting my body. "I can't believe you did this again." I look him dead in the eye.

"You promised me never again." My voice shook, but I knew he wouldn't catch on enough to notice it was from crying.

"I know." His voice was gravelly and hurt as he looked away from me.

I stood up before anymore words of venom could be spoken from my angered body, running my hands over my face before wrapping and arm around Harry's broad back, my arm slipping through his. I heaved his unwilling, limp body off the couch with much effort. He could barely walk, and my lips were formed in a frown as tears clouded my vision, making this whole walking situation harder than necessary. I kept hearing Harry mutter sorry to me, but I blocked him out. I didn't want to hear his slurred, drunken apologies right now.

It took a while to get us inside, but once I did we continued to stumble into the house, our body's dripping water onto the tiled floor. Harry had became silent, and you could hear my sniffles as I tried to control my tears. The only thing I tried to concentrate on was getting to the bedroom, Harrys body becoming very heavy even though he supported a bit of his weight upon his stumbling feet.

"Blair, I'm sor-"

"Don't." I interrupt him bitterly, not even glancing up to him as he instantly turns quiet again.

Once in the room lit by only the opened curtains, I finally release him, watching as he sits on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. I took a minute or two to catch my breath before telling him to stand up, but then realizing I need to help him. I grind my teeth together to keep myself from speaking, knowing I'll spit out everything that's running though my mind if I did. Once he stands at his full looming height above me, I grab the hem of his shirt, trying not to glance at his skin as I peel the wet material off his chest. I could feel his eyes on me, but I aided in looking down between us, my shaking fingers fumbling with the button on his jeans. And once undid, he steadies himself by placing his hands on my shoulders to kick them off his legs. I didn't try to stop my tears anymore, knowing that they will still come no matter what, so I let them flow freely but silently.

"Kiss me." His voice made chills spread across my already freezing body, holding this vulnerability and hurt that I didn't know could exist.

I shake my head, still looking down between our bodies, which hold only a few inches of space between them. "No."

"Please, Blair." It seemed like he was choking on his words, his voice shaking. I knew he was crying, but I really didn't was to see it. So I squeeze my eyes closed tightly, my shoulders shaking as I cried.

"Please, kiss me." He sounded utterly broken, his voice raspy. I found myself looking up at him. His eyes are still red-rimmed, from both crying and drinking. And then, my hands were absentmindedly placed on his chest, which scared me. I didn't even know what I was doing.

And then, I slowly pressed my tear-wetted lips to his, and I could taste the salt water liquid that still slip passed my now closed eyes as our lips moved softly against each others. I pull away from him quickly, a sob tumbling passed my parted lips as I gently push him away from me. I wipe under my eyes, feeling his own on me.

"Just lay down." I speak, waiting a few seconds before looking up. He still remains stood in front of me, but when I look up, he lowers himself onto the bed and lays down on the already pulled back sheets.

I walk to the other side of the bed, his body facing me. I strip out of my wet clothes as I continue to cry silently, knowing he's watching me. Once I remain in just my underwear, I draw the curtains closed and climb into bed. I curl into a ball away from him, about to lift the covers over myself before I feel them drape over me. I turn to look at Harry, but he's already shifting to turn away from me after he'd covered me. I wrap my arms around my body, hurt, and blinking away the tears that won't seem to disappear. And then I hear his voice again.

"I'm sorry."

The words were spoken so quietly that I knew he was wondering if I'd heard. I thought of not responding, and then I thought of shifting over to his side of the bed to wrap myself around him and tell him it's okay.

But instead I keep my back to him, and clutch the blanket to my chest to try and seek some warmth from it that I know won't compare to the one Harry gives me, and whisper, "I know."

~~~~~~~~~


Authors Note:

I said I'd update tonight, and if I didn't, you could slaughter me. It's 51 minutes past tonight. It's 12:51am.

COME AT ME BRO. I'll let you do it with open arms because I said you could if I didn't update tonight. If I'd only started writing 51 minutes earlier.

Anywhore, I hope you liked it:D comment and vote please!

I remember one time before I got my braces off, I was laying out by the pool with my little cousin (she's like 6) and she asked me, "Abbey, can you get in the pool with your braces on?"

And my answer was, "No, they will electrocute me."

--

I'm watching Pretty in Pink btw, which is my all time fav movie.

If you haven't seen it.

Go.

Die.