How I Remember Us

When Silence is No Longer Comfortable

Everything was great, until Zach began acting strange. He would skip going to the corner and ignore my FaceTime calls. When I asked him if anything was wrong, he denied it. Then he completely stopped talking to me. To say it hurt is pretty accurate, but I was confused more than anything. Was it something I did? What happened? I thought we were fine - great even.

Christmas Break lasted two weeks, and soon we were all back at school. He began talking to me again, and after a couple of weeks things resumed as normal. People constantly asked us if we were dating and we still denied it. I had spoken to him about dating and he told me that he believed all high school relationships were dumb. I didn't understand where he was coming from - but I let him have his way.

From January through March, things were stable. Our friendship was still great and nobody knew anything past it with the exception of Luke and Julie. And the corner was lively as always. At the end of March I brought up the idea of dating again. Frankly, what we had worried me. To everyone else we were just friends, and I wasn't sure what was stopping either of us from seeing other people. I needed boundaries - I'm a girl who likes rules and guidelines.

We were sitting in the corner when I brought it up. I asked him why he didn't like dating and he recited off the same reasons. I asked him flat out what we were and told him that I did want to date. We both grew silent for a few minutes before I looked away. He thought for a few moments, then sighed and turned my head so I was looking at him, "So dating is stupid, but so am I." He then kissed my forehead and smiled at me. His greenish brown eyes were warm and I felt so safe.

"Is that even an answer?" I needed to make sure that I fully understood what was happening. Zach chuckled before wrapping me back in his arms, "I think it is."

Words can't explain how much I was smiling.

We went on our first official date that weekend, and we saw Chappie. The movie itself was really something but it gave us a lot to laugh about. After the movie, we walked to the library - which was perfect considering we were both book nerds.

My feelings for him grew exponentially at that point. That was when I began to really love Zachary.

But of course, nothing ever goes right.

He didn't talk to me after that date.

Weeks went by with silence from him. When we talked in person it was curt, straight to the point. If I tried to text him he responded with simple one worded answers. I gave up after a few weeks.

Spring Break rolled around and I went to Florida for a week, returning just in time for track practices to start. The other girls I had signed up for track with were all still vacationing, so I ran with two other girls from my grade, Jamie and Kylie. In case you were wondering, Kylie was the girl who made me realize my feelings for Zach the day we went outside in religion class.

I was friends with Jamie, but hadn't really spoken to Kylie after we had finished a science project together in seventh grade. They were both welcoming and we had a good time despite the horror of being a sprinter in track.

Three days passed in sweat and laughter, until I saw him. I walked with Jamie to get a water bottle from the locker room and we passed the distance runners, Zach included. They were down the hall from us, but I noticed him right away from his height, black hair, and blue jacket that I had worn so many times. He turned and we both stopped. I couldn't see his eyes, but I'm assuming he noticed me.

I was thrown off for the rest of practice, and we still did not speak. My friend, Thomas tried to mediate between us but neither of us were having it. I was tired of this game. I knew how I felt about him, but he obviously did not feel the same if it was so easy to ignore me.

When school began again, we did not talk. I was done with letting him walk over me, so I made no effort to converse with him or even look at him. This put Luke in a bit of an awkward situation since his best friends couldn't be in the same room as each other without a large amount of tension.

After awhile, I was sick of the drama so I talked to him after school about three weeks later, "Hey, can we go back to being just friends?"

He looked at me for the first time. Really looked at me. Then he nodded and said in a small voice, "Yeah, sure." He walked away immediately.

Luke asked me about it later, and I told him what had been happening between Zach and I. I asked Luke how Zach was acting since the two had recently talked. Luke could safely say that Zach hadn't been Zach. He was no longer energetic or relentlessly funny. He was a shell of sorts, he became anti-social and withdrawn.

I went home that night and thought about everything, really thought about it. 

And then it hit me.

The first thought was "shit", then escalated to "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO".

I realized at that moment that not only did I still care about him after everything, I loved the little fucker.

In life, we have brief moments of clarity. Before them everything is cloudy, so muddled by other distractions and choices that we don't have time to really think about what is right in front of us. 

It turns out that I had loved him for quite awhile. When I think back on everything, all the inside jokes we had, the way he held me and kissed my forehead, down to the dirty jokes he would make at times. I loved him, all of him. Even when he wasn't feeling like his usual self, I still loved him.

That was a bit of a scary thought to have seeing as how I had just ended the relationship.

I didn't know how to talk to him. After awhile, he began to smile more. Soon after, he was making jokes like he used to. Before I knew it, we were almost friends again. I say almost because we both were aware of our history. When something like we had comes along, you can't just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. The memories, the feelings themselves were indescribable and unforgettable.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

School ended our freshman year. Throughout the year, I became even closer with the guys, became best friends with Kylie (who helped me through my feelings for Zach) and had something real with someone amazing. 

Little did I know that it wasn't over.