Life

loneliness

Pain.. I'm in pain and I'm alone.. I don't know how to deal.. everyone's left.. people pretend to to care.. but I know I'm only a burden.. life moves on.. all around me people move on.. I seem stuck.. it's like I try my hardest to get back to normal but I can't.. I don't know how.. I'm so close to ruining my life.. destroying the rest of it.. I haven't done it yet but I'm very close.. and that scares me.. no I've asked myself if death would be better? But no it wouldn't.. I'm numb yet I can still feel the pain.. I'm drowning slowly and I'm trying to swim up.. I'm exauhsted.. I want to give up yet I'm still fighting.. I don't know why.. as if my life could get any worse.. well it did.. I'm going through depression, a rape victim, and now.. a broken heart.. I was so in love.. no not was.. I am so in love.. I have no control over it.. I love him.. he tore my heart into pieces.. told me he cared..  then he left.. I act like it's fine yet I'm sitting here at 2:45 in the morning..the longing to talk to him.. I'd be annoying to him though.. he finds me a burden.. all I did was help him.. he is going through a lot of pain.. he's stopped caring about himself.. yet I somehow still care.. I miss him.. he used to put me to sleep video chatting with me every night.. he wouldn't go to bed until he was sure I wouldn't wake up.. our longest time on the phone was 15 hours.. all memories I can't seem to rid myself of.. I wish I could forget.. forget it all.. but it's stuck with me.. I can't just walk away like I want to.. I'm in way too deep.. I sit and watch him destroy his own life and there's no way to help him now.. he won't let me like he used to.. was it ever real? Will he always push me away? Will I ever get over him? Am I crazy? I Dont know what to do anymore.. I lay in bed literally all day now.. schools been a wreck and I'm a complete loner.. noone really talks to me.. I'm an outcast.. I carry too much baggage anyways.. I learn to trust and then people leave.. I even learned to trust him.. his lies.. all his promises were lies.. I wont ever hurt you.. your the only girl that I want.. your so beautiful.. I love you.. all of it was lies.. I've been lied to my whole life.. before I thought I wouldn't ever be stupid enough to actually believe the words he was saying.. yet somehow he convinced me and I had hope.. then he leaves like everyone else.. will I always be lonely? Will I ever learn to trust again? What happens if I do trust again? Wont I just get hurt again? Idk anymore.. my whole life is changed.. I don't know if I can recover..