Life

confused and upset..

Since then I had gotten back with him.. everything was great again and I was so happy.. yeah I still have my depression that gets in the way sometimes but everything was perfect.. I was going to go see him in june.. almost two and  a half weeks away I'd be able to see him.. I am so helplessly in love with him.. everything is working out great until my cousins boyfriend, one of my best friends tells me he's been cheating.. it can't be true.. can it? No I tell myself but then these doubts and insecurities come along.. what if he is? What if all these things are lies he's telling me? Cano wouldn't lie to me.. he is basically family and my best friend.. why would he lie about something like that? Cano was listing off names trying to remember and then one stuck out.. I decided it was true.. out of anger I sent him a text saying I knew it was too good to be true.. I didn't answer his text so he called.. I wasn't ready to answer but I had to break it off with him at some point..  my heart broke again.. I lost him again.. I was already crying when I was talking to him. So much for being strong I told myself. Then he snapped and said as much as this is going to hurt me..  fine if I wanted him out of my life so bad even though he didn't cheat then if that's what I really wanted then he'd leave me alone.. that's when it really hit me.. of course I wasn't expecting him to stay but that broke me.. I couldn't keep the obnoxious sounds that I make when I cry to stop or even supress them. Normally when I cry I hold my breath so I'm silent but It hurt too much.. that killed me.. I didn't want him to hear how upset I was so I just hung up. After that I realized it was over. It hurt so bad I collapsed onto the floor. The pain is indescribable. Cano helped me up and just held me for a minute letting me cry on his shoulder. I hugged onto him and cried. He helped me into the bathroom and sat me down. I felt stupid for not just walking myself.. I couldnt.. I couldn't function at this moment I was so upset. I was filled with lies.. he didn't want a future.. I bet I was setting myself up for an even worse broken heart at the end.. telling me that he will come when he won't.. I sat alone for awhile looking hatefully at my burning cigarette. I've already smoked way too much but I didn't care. Cano finally came up and dragged me downstairs and outside to smoke another cigarette. He was working on a way to get booze for me because apparently I needed it. After awhile since cano couldn't figure out how to block his number and he kept texting. Cano didn't want me to see. Cano was going to tell him off and act like it's me saying it and lie and say that I cheated on him. I couldn't bear that happening.. I wasn't ready.. I snatched my phone back and texted him.. "you know you can break my heart a million times.. but that doesn't change the fact I still love you" cano and my cousin mel were bitching.. kylsie your going to break your own heart.. your stupid for trying to go back to him.. he's just gonna break your heart again and your giving him permission to cheat again and again..  I sighed trying to protest he's not gonna take me back anyways. They didn't like that too much.. I shouldn't want him to take me back they say.. they don't understand I don't have the will power to say no.. I sigh and turn it back around to me going back to hating him to make them happy. Although I can really hate him.. I love him.. he texts again but cano deletes it before I am able to read it. He's probably right.. if I read one thing from him I'd probably break down and tell him to come back. After a couple hours no more texts from him show up. We decided to get the booze to make me stop crying. I absolutely hate the taste of alcohol. Even the smell makes me wanna throw up. I watched as mel took the first and then cano took the next and they told me it's my turn to take a shot. I hold the bottle in my hand with a cigarette and a joint. I puffed at the joint for a bit and they knew exactly how to get me pissed enough and hit the soft parts on my heart so it hurt and it would get me angry enough to want to take a shot. I finally took my first shot which ended up being a quarter of the bottle. I smiled and handed it to cano. Mel thought I was crazy for drinking so much. After awhile of feeling good I knew I was fucked up enough where I'd want more and more alcohol I ended up drinking half the bottle and I was wasted. Not to mention the smaller shots we had. I was worry free. Although my secrets and stuff poured out of my mouth at a rapid pace. I was so fucked up I said whatever came to mind whether if it should've been kept to myself or not. I remember just as I was getting ready to make my way home I got a text. It broke my heart when I read it. He definitely knew how to sweet talk and use my love for him as bait. I finally broke down when I got home and asked him to call me. I believe there had been a mistake and he didn't cheat on me at all. Still my friend I went crying to accepts that I'm with him but doesn't exactly like that I'm with him again. And as for my cousin mel and cano.. Idk what I'm going to do. They won't believe that he didn't cheat. They say that He will tell me all sorts of lies to get me back. I'm not gonna have my two best friends/ family members. It's unbearable to choose between them and him. I would be miserable without him and be fucked up in some sort of way all the time by most likely weed or maybe alcohol again. But I'm also going to miss my friends.. I don't really talk to anyone besides cano and mel.. they were all I had.. I don't really know what to do.. I can't leave him.. yet I really don't want them mad at me for taking him back either.. I'm miserable either way..