Life

i bet you..

For you.. I bet your sound asleep or maybe you aren't asleep yet.. who knows? But I bet you aren't thinking about me.. I bet you aren't thinking of what you did.. I bet it hasn't even crossed your mind. But guess what? It hasn't left my mind. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out.. no not one of those loud obnoxious ones but the heart wrenching silent one. To make sure I don't wake anyone up. To be sure no one hears. I don't want their pitty. I don't want those sad judging eyes trailed on me. I don't want anyone to even know.. you could care less that I cry everyday since it happened. You could care less how much physical pain I go through. You could care less how it fucked my whole life. As if I haven't gone to the mental hospital five times before this. As if I didn't have enough problems already. As if the scars on my arms weren't bad enough. As if I hardly had an appetite to begin with. As if before I couldn't sleep? Well guess what? I stay up until I literally crash. I thought my life was screwy before.. honey that was just the tip of the iceberg. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know if I'll ever recover. You stole something that was mine and you stole the little trust I had. You stole my innocence.. you stole my life.. I bet you don't care. You act like it's no big deal. I bet your living your life like normal and your happy. I want to so badly ruin your life like you did mine. I guess I'm not as cold as you. I don't have the heart to do it. After all, you were supposed to be family. You don't know how badly I want to take this blade and run it deep into my vein. You don't know how badly I want to die more than ever. But guess what? I won't. I won't. That would just pass my pain to others. I wish no one cared. I wish they'd all just hate me so they wouldn't care if I went to a happier place. However I'm stuck here on this hell called earth. Its not pleasant here. Its full of surprises. Not the good kind. I have tried to drown the demons that consume me but they know how to swim. Just wanted to say thank you for ruining my life.. I've decided instead of cutting or self harm, every time I have a break down like tonight I'm going to write to you. Maybe one day I'll move passed it.. but I doubt it.. I'll try like hell to.. this will be my way of showing pain. Although your not going to see it. But it might help. I've been strong for too long yet I keep fighting. Sometimes I wonder what God has planned.. if there is a God.. what does he want with me? Why keep me here so badly? Idk.. it's been a long night I'll try to stop crying and attempt to sleep.