work experience ~ s.w

fourteen

He leaves the room as I stay frozen on the spot. What's that supposed to mean? Does he know the surgery is going to kill him? Does he know that he'll never come back? Is he trying to tell me that I'll never see him again? Why does my heart feel so broken yet so relieved?

"Are you okay Vi?" Sam asks me softly as I feel a year slip down my cheek. I just about bring myself to nod. "Did he hurt you?"

"He broke my heart" I sigh. It's hard to admit but despite all his imperfections, he's still my father and I still love him with all my heart. He might have hurt me over and over and over but I can't not love him. I've told myself over and over- don't fall in love because he'll just break your heart. I thought it had been broken enough but this might just be the final straw. "I don't think I can take anymore pain." Sam doesn't ask what the heck I'm talking about, instead he just holds me until I'm ready to go out and face the world. Dad, if you're reading this then I love you.

Mom, I know you see me hurting, help Zach, help him recover, help him to have the life you always dreamed for him. Help keep me sane.

***

I rock back and forth on the hospital waiting room floor. The other visitors must think I'm insane but I'm past caring. The doctor pushes through the doors looking around for me. I stand instantaneously awaiting his message.

"Viola! I'm happy to tell you that everything went perfectly with Zach and he's stable and will be awake within a matter of hours." He says as I let out a slight sigh of relief.

"When can I see him?" I ask.

"I'll come and let you know when he's awake but Viola, I'm afraid it's not all good news."

"Tell me" I say sternly, willing the tears to not fall.

"Your father didn't make it through the operation. His heart gave up mid operation. There was nothing we could do." The words flow out of his mouth as the tears flow out of my eyes. Sam holds me tight as I break down in his arms. He says thank you to the doctor who's name I still haven't learnt. My heart smashes into a million tiny pieces once again. It's like my mom all over again but this time it's worse. It's all my fault. I told him to have the surgery. I didn't give Zach the proper diet that a young boy needs. I didn't look after them. I failed.

"I know I said I wanted him out my life but now he's gone I wish I could take the words back. I wish I hadn't made him go."

"There was nothing you could do. You didn't know his heart would stop. It was either him or Zach." Sam tells me, running his fingers through the ends of my thick brunette hair.

"I just want to see my baby brother. I want to hold him. I want to tell him that everything's going to be alright and I'll never abandon him ever again. I want to tell him that Dad loved him and everything that happened to him was his choice. He wanted to save him almost as much as I did." I say between outbursts of cries.

"You'll see him soon baby."

*
2 weeks later.

Well work experience sure wasn't what I'd planned for it to be. Zach and I spent our first Christmas alone. Well not completely alone; Sam's mom invited the two of us over for Christmas dinner. Sophie's parents felt so bad for Zach's situation that they've funded his insulin for the next 5 years. Mr Turner bought him a whole bookshelf worth of books. Mr Luckley- Zach's head teacher asked personally if Zach could come back to school; apparently he's an asset to the year group and is the highest reading level in the entire school. Suck on that stupid school policies.

I zip up my dress as I look at myself in the mirror. The last time I looked like this was 5 years ago.

"You ready?" I hear Sophie's soft voice from the doorway as I stand in the middle of the room.

"I think so" I say picking up my red rose that I intend to bury with my father. I look over as her, tears brimming my eyes.

"Don't cry yet! It'll ruin your makeup." She tries to cheer me up.

"I don't care about the makeup." I sigh.

"Wait until you see how handsome Zach looks" She smiles, making me smile too. Zach has been my rock these past few weeks. It's funny how a 9 year old boy can be more emotionally stable than an 18 year old. "Mom also has really good news" She holds her hand out to me. I take it, giving it a squeeze before following her downstairs to the kitchen where all my closest friends are located. Most of them didn't even know my father but it's amazing how they're still here to support me for this: to remember him.

"Viola you look wonderful. Your parents would be proud" Sophie's mom smiles at me as sympathetically as she knows how. I can't blame her for feeling awkward, she hasn't been in this situation. In fact not many people have sent their abusive father's off to die moments after realising that he wasn't actually as bad as they thought he was. "I have news about the house." I should explain. Sophie's mom is one of the best housing retailers in the area- if anyone could have sold our run down old house, it would be her. I had a discussion with Mr and Mrs Turner as well as Sophie's mom and dad to see what the best move from here would be. It was a pretty unanimous vote that I should sell the house and get somewhere smaller for Zach and I. I could use some of the money to pay for my father's funeral, some to pay off his debts, some towards an apartment and some towards college (saving some for Zach's future of course). "It sold for $300,000! Once we did some minor renovations that is."

"Thank you" I exclaim pulling her into a hug.

"And I put down the deposit on that apartment you wanted."

"But it hasn't sold yet?" I lean back, holding her at arms length.

"You can pay me back when the arrangements are finalised." She smiles.

"Thank you so much" I pull her back into the hug. Looks like things are getting better for the Harpers. Finally.