My Mother Is A Scientist

[Lost]

Jack died a few days after we had sex. He killed himself, I never knew that someone could be so lost in love with someone. I wonder if I had done something wrong, was it my fault? Why did I have to lose him like that? I've been isolating myself from everyone, the only one who has understand me truly and he's gone. Forever, he's gone, I just wish I knew why. I've been trying so hard not to cut my skin anywhere on my body. Everyday when I wake up now, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see myself the same anymore. All I see is someone who has messed up, all I see is the person who doesn't deserve anyone else. I just wish I had seen the signs of his depression and suicidal self earlier rather than to come home and find him hanging in the closet with a thick wire around his neck and his eyes open but his skin purple and his mouth dripping with drool, he must've just done it when I got home. His body was still swinging in the air. So everyday, I wish I was dead too, him not being here by my side is painful. The days go by slower and slower, I can feel my heart slow down when nI think of him. I think of him all the time, I barely get any sleep. All I have been doing is staring out the window as I drink my tea slowly and I look dead to the world. I am dead to the world, there's nothing left for me.

I don't go to work anymore, my boss is willing to still pay me, giving me time off, as much as I needed. I try to get my mind off of him, but everything leads back to him. I wish he was here, making me feel better in this time of sorrow but that is impossible itself. He's gone. Whenever I leave my house, I just look emotionless, pale and sickly. People avoid me, I'm not eating properly anymore, depression is really kicking in. When I talk to people now, my voice shakes and it's low, as if I'll kill someone any minute. I can the cashiers giving me a fake, nervous smile when I buy drinks and food for myself. I'm not motivated to do anything anymore. Oh, how I wish I could bring him back. I scream in my sleep, no one there is holding me when I wake up, except myself. My mind is only thinking of one thing; him. He helped me at my worst, he respected me, he loved me like I never thought anyone would in the first place, he made me laugh when I was having a bad day, now all that.. is gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

Days have passed, no motivation, I don't even take showers or baths anymore. I just want to sit in the same place that I have been for weeks, drinking tea, not eating or doing anything that I used to love, not even listen to music. I don't even turn the lights on in the house anymore. I don't sleep in the bed, I sleep on the couch. It hurts to move a lot. I can feel my bones giving out on me so quickly everyday. I can feel my skin loosen and also tighten at the same time from the major weight loss that's still happening. I visit his grave sometimes, to see his name and to talk to him, I know he's listening but I wish he would answer me back when I ask him questions. It's raining and snowing a lot more now, everyday is gloomy, just like me. I can feel the bags under my eyes, I can feel my dry eyes releasing tears. Oh Jack, why'd you have to leave like that? Everything I say is the same thing, nothing matters anymore, I am just taking up space in this world, someone else could use this house, without knowing their was one, possibly now two suicides. I decided to take one last bath and end it there. There's nothing for me out there anymore anyways.

As I got into the bath and sat there with clear water, my skinny body relaxed and floating slightly in the water. I grabbed the blade and pressed it against my wrist, I'm coming Jack. I need you. But before I went to slice my wrist, something stopped me. Since the water was so hot, the room was steamy and the mirror was foggy. Writing appeared on the mirror, 'don't kill yourself. I'm still here, live for me. -Jack'. Tears filled my eyes and I dropped the blade on the ground and I broke down, crying loud and gripping the hair on my head. "But Jack. I want to be with you, I need to be with you!" I screamed out, more writing appeared on the mirror. 'Live for me. I made a horrible mistake, I shouldn't have killed myself, I regret it so much, I hurt you so much, you don't deserve this, find someone who will make you happy. For me, I just want to see your smile again.. -Jack'. I cried more and I shook my head. I picked the blade back up and slit my wrist. I need to be with him, I dropped the blade once more. Blood dripped into the tub, making the water go red as blood also slid down my pale, skinny arm. My fingertips drenched with blood as I sat there, relaxed, I closed my eyes, ready to let go and be with Jack.

I smiled once more, the blood still gushing out from my wrist. "I smiled, for you, I'm happy now, for you..", I whispered softly as my breathing got shallow. I could feel my body become heavier and heavier each minute, each second. I'm ready to die, I'm ready to let go and be truly happy, I can't stand this pain anymore. I took a few more last deep breaths, before I finally slid underneath the water, I kept breathing, the bloody water filling my lungs as I drowned and stopped breathing when my lungs were full, I laid there, my hair flowing everywhere around my head, neck, and shoulders. The last thing I remember was wanting oxygen come into my lungs, my wrist pulsating, demanding to stop bleeding. I felt at peace, I died. Being with Jack now, who was upset at me for doing this to myself, but he also blames himself. We both 'lived' on in our ghostly forms, holding hands and walking towards the light blue and pink pastel door. I grabbed the knob and turned it slowly, a bright light shining onto me and Jack, we walked towards the light, passing the door, then the door slammed behind us.