The Life Of A Ventriloquist

Journal Entry #5

What the hell is this, Toy Story? Chester was in a different place than where I put him lastnight. I put him in the box with all of my other dolls. This morning, he was in the kitchen, sat up against the counter. Nobody lives with me. I know I didn't get up in the middle of the night. How was this possible? I searched around for any signs of a break-in, nothing. I dismissed it. Maybe I did get up in the middle of the night. I did take my pills lastnight, right? Yes. So how did this happen then? I don't understand what's going on!
  My doctor put me on medication for sleep walking. I used to be terrible about it. I would wake up in the middle of my living room, standing there, looking at the mirror. I had hoped that moving to a place where there wasn't a mirror would help, but it didn't. I began waking up in the bathroom. Or standing in front of my dresser mirror. There was a time when I woke up in front of the mirror, and in the corner of the room, a black mass. Not a shadow, but I mass. Like a figure of pure darkness standing there. I ignored it. Laid down and went back to sleep.
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Just warning you guys, this part is about to be sad. Maybe a bit gory for some.
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  I failed to mention the reason why I see a counselor now. Why I'm not married or have children. Why I'm not interested in very many woman anymore. I was never really the type to want to date every girl on the block, or any for that matter. But my first year of high school, I met this girl. Her name was Mia. We became good friends. Best friends even. And I became madly in love with her. By 12th grade I couldn't control my feelings anymore. I finally told her. She was in love with me too. So I asked her to marry me. Her parents didn't support it. They thought I was crazy. And they kicked her out. By this point, I had my own apartment and she moved in with me. She was the one I lost my virginity to. She was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And for 6 years, everything was so perfect.
  But then, I woke up one morning, and I could sense it. Something was different. Something was off. Mia wasn't in bed beside me. I didn't hear her showering. Or making breakfast. I didn't hear her in the bathroom or in the living room watching TV. That's when I walked in the bathroom myself. There was a letter on the sink.
Adam,
I'm so sorry I've done this. You don't understand how hard it is to say goodbye. Especially like this. But I feel as if it's something I have to do. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me, for I know life will never be the same. Somehow find the strength to move on without me. Find some kind of light in your days. These years with you have been the best years of my life. I hope you feel the same.
Everything will be okay. And I want you to know even if you can't feel me, I will still always be by your side. I love you so so much.

                                       Love, Mia

I still have the note in my wallet. I take it everywhere with me.
  I walked to the bathtub, and slowly pulled open the shower curtain. When I seen her, not only she left, but a piece of me did aswell.
  There she lied. In water that was probably 90% blood. Blood all over the walls. A razor blade sitting on the side of the tub, and long, deep, gashes. Along both of her wrists. But she had a smile glued to her face. She really did die in peace. But me, I was left alone. All I could do was instantly fall to my knees crying and screaming at her to come back. Once I finally gained the courage to get up, I walked to the phone. I could barely get the words "I need a hearse, my girlfriend committed suicide." Out of my mouth. After hanging up, I just sat on the bed, in silence. Contemplating just shooting myself while I still had the chance.
  After her, Mia. I've never been the same. I've never had the same bubbly personality. I've never been happy again. I've always had a fake smile stapled to my face. I've never been able to look at another woman without thinking I'd be cheating on Mia. I've never been able to like a woman. To even try to fall in love again. To try and have children. I just couldn't. But the girl last night. Annaleigh. She looked just like Mia. That was why I was attracted to her. And I let her go. Just like I've never been able to do with Mia. Just like I never think I will ever be able to do.