Some memories begin with a smile, others with a tear, and still just some with the passing of time. No one says when your memory starts or ends, but you always remember the most important things. Faces, people, feelings, those are what matters. Words, movements, and other things aren't always important. Then again it always seems what you remember are the little things, the tiny fragile moments that touch your heart. Everyone knows the dramatic moments of their life, it's what you base your story on. But your heart, it doesn't think of those moments, but of all the tender ones in between.
After Shawn left I couldn't remember some of those changing moments in our story, but I could recall those sweet, small things that were done or said. Who he was to me was but a continuum of priceless seconds full of emotion. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Some of those very instances can take my breath away just by reminiscing.
It was amazing what he could do to me, and more amazing still what he had done for me.
For the longest time I couldn't breathe because demons were sitting on my lungs. Lately, I couldn't breathe because I was too in awe of life... My life. But now, I was starting to breathe again. The only thing that held me back was my attachment to my savior. I had convinced my weak little self that I could never breathe, never be okay without Shawn. Now I needed to tell myself the truth, I am okay because I'm me.
I wanted to look in the mirror and see a masterpiece. I knew that's what I was. "You're ripped at every edge, but you're a masterpiece." Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm happy with who I am. But all too often the reflection I see staring back at me is disappointing. I wished all too often the mirror could show the inside of me, so I could see the truth. Maybe it would be ugly, but something told me I just might like it. There's never a way to completely love yourself, because no body's perfect. But there's always a way to love who you are, for what you are, regardless. Imperfections make you more beautiful than the status quo. If we were all perfect then everyone would want to have something different about them, which could only be something "wrong." Instead, we all have wrong things about us, and we strive for greatness instead. It's better this way, harder this way. But I wouldn't want it differently.
Fighting for yourself is the hardest challenge you'll ever face, but the easiest one too. Only you can protect yourself from feeling, which means it can be very easy to not be affected. But learning how to not be affected by things is impossible.
It's not what happens to you but how you deal with it. That's the important piece. You can let yourself become immersed in hatred, like I did, or you can drown yourself in love. Not saying it's easy, but you've got to be strong. Getting out and making a life for yourself is how you find yourself. I don't mean you have to physically leave or get out. But mentally remove yourself from those terrible things and focus your attentions upon pleasant moments... The ones that take your breath away.................
Shawn's POV:
I was blown away.
The sights, the sounds, the smells, the people.
It was all so much.
But not too much.
London was big and beautiful but crowded. Here it started.
I played concert after concert moving place to place for weeks which turned into months before I returned to America.
Athalia's POV:
As I looked into the mirror, my eyes glazed over with tears. The other halves of me, the better parts of me, we're both miles and miles away. Julie and Shawn both forever away.
But I still liked me.
Who I saw in the mirror, just little me, alone and scared, but maybe a little beautiful too.
