I need u •jikook•

I NEED U

"Nobody can ever see this. Except for you guys. I just can't do this alone. So here goes nothing. This is how I fucked my life up.

Jeongguk is my best friend. He has been ever since before we debuted. I just think that for me, it never was just friendship. The thing is: I'm gay. I told him and the others right after our debut. Almost everyone was supportive, except for Jeongguk. He didn't get it at all, and he didn't talk to me for 6 weeks. After that he told me he had accepted it and things went back to normal again. Shortly after I realised I had fallen for him, hard. I never meant to but it just happened. I loved everyhting about him. His eyes, his laugh, the almost adoring way he looks at me when I'm dacing. Most of all I loved the nights we would lie next to eachother in the dark, the only sounds being the music we had put on and our soft breathing.

I had hope, I really did. I am kind of a pessimistic person, even though I always look happy. I could never quite see the good endings, but I could with him. I never stopped hoping he would fall for me as hard as I had fallen for him. I would wait for him forever. When he turned 17 he told me he started liking guys, and how he was scared. Me being gay was okay, but he could not accept it if he was. I comforted him that night, holding his trembling body close, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. The next day he acted like nothing had happened. Still I couldn't help feeling as though he loved me back whenever he stood too close, acted to flirty, cared too much.

Maybe it was real. Maybe there was nothing there at all. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see.

In the end, I don't really know why I did it. I think it was just that voice in the back of my head. That voice telling me there was a chance. That I would never know if I didn't try. That I should take the leap even if there was a chance I would fall, and never stop. That I owed it to myself. It was so busy in my head, but in reality it was quiet, so quiet. He looked at me and asked my what was wrong. I looked at him and asked him why he came back to me. I asked him why he hadn't left me. He laughed and told me that I was being weird. I looked him in the eye. He looked straight back.

I leaned in, he did nothing at all.

The moment my lips touched his something in me changed. I felt different. I felt safe. I felt loved. His hands intertwined with mine felt like they belonged there, like they always had been there, like they should be there forever. At that moment nothing else mattered anymore. He was my world. At that moment, for the first time in my life, I felt truly happy.

But in the blink of an eye, everything changed. He shoved me off of him and yelled at me. He asked me why the fuck I thought that was okay. He asked me why I even did it in the first place. He asked me how I could live with myself. He said he thought I am disgusting. He said he wasn't my friend anymore. He said I was alone now.

I told him I didn't want to let him go. He said nothing when he punched me in my face, slammed me against the wall, left me alone with my tears.

The words he said was what hurt me the most.

This was all 6 months ago. He hasn't even looked at me since, and I am once again alone. He is still my everything, my one and only.

Jeongukkie, if you see this:

I'm sorry

I love you

Forgive me."