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BTS Makes Me Upset

Okay so BTS has made my world so much brighter since I started to like them in November of last year but let me just say my mood changes very rapidly with them.

So while BTS, literally they make me think of the sun when I listen to them, makes my car rides better with their albums and I'm in a much better place now then when I was before them (I can't help but thank them because that week I stayed home with a cold they made the sun feel brighter and my cheeks were sore for days after watching their videos I was smiling so much) somedays they can really bring me down.

I don't know if it's just me and I don't know why I'm just now obsessing over this but anytime there's a 'Who Would Be Your BTS Boyfriend?' quiz I can't help but feel a little sad deep down. I love the boys so so much but I can't see myself, even in my head, with them. Maybe this is just because i'm kinda a masochist (I like being in pain idk why) but all my fantasies with them always end horribly. Like break ups and cheating and it's a big mess I just can't go into too much depth because my heart physically hurts. 

Like it would be amazing if Taehyung knew about me and liked me (I would explode from happiness) but we're so different. The only thing we have is common is we have dark eyes and dark hair. I guess we also both really love bangtan but that's besides the point. He's in the sunshine line and I'm more like motionless min. He's super close with this family and I'm only close with my mom sometimes. His laugh is actual sunshine like that kid produces sunlight. He really likes kids and is great playing with them and I honestly don't really like spending time with kids too much (headaches) and he wants a family someday and that's a lot of commitment i'm not down for. 

Somedays I can picture myself in a really beautiful home with kids and pets and a garden and a pond but I'm not like that. I don't really want to live in the suburbs when I'm old, it's hella boring and every wine mom lives (it's entertaining to watch them fight with each other over their kids though)  But i would get so tired of that so fast. I want to live in the country side with like a cow and maybe some chickens and have a horse or a llama (the farm by my neighborhood has three they're really cute) and farm dogs and cute house cats to pamper and a shit ton of flowers like woah every room has like thirty flower pots) and a vegetable garden.

I'm getting off topic.

Anyway it just really upsets me that I can't see myself with any of the boys and I know that's selfish af and even though my heart will ache a little if they every do announce they are dating someone but they'll be happy and that's all that matters.

I just wish I was more suitable for them. I'm not changing myself to fit to their standards (that's wrong don't do that kids) I just wish maybe later when I'm in college that there's someone who shares the same plans as me and we can do it all together.

Also I know marriage is big and stuff but I can only see myself making a fuss over a wedding if it's a green card wedding.