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Shitty Friends

aaahhhh i'm so tired of this 

this isn't kpop related sorry

i'm so fucking tired of having lame friends. they're never there when you need them, it takes weeks to get everyone in the same place, literally they don't care about personal shit. at all. i'm so so tired of this. i'm so tired of feeling like shit because of my friends. i don't want to see them after graduation and i'll say why later.

i'm so exhausted of having to fall on myself every time something horrible happens.

a couple months ago one of my cousins died from cancer. i wasn't very close to her but still, someone from your family has died. my sister and dad took it hard and it sucked standing by with my mom just trying to get through the month. this was when i was in school so one day during a break i asked one friend who i know wouldn't tell a soul, because she'd probably forget, and another friend tagged along outside. they were making stupid jokes about something i said and i had to SCREAM for them to be quiet because this was serious. i'm so tired of feeling like the only one carrying serious shit on my shoulders. when i told them about my cousin they looked sad and said sorry and i told them not to tell anyone else because i was waiting for a good time to tell everyone. then i thought, they don't fucking care. they don't. it's not their family why would they? why would they want to deal with something so horrible like cancer when it doesn't affect them personally. eventually i told everyone anyway because i felt so alone at home. my mom is my best friend but she was helping my dad cope and i was just kinda left there like 'hey, you're mature for your age you can handle this alone'. like fuck no the reason i'm mature is because i know no one else will fucking carry this. no one. my mom holds a lot on her shoulder so i didn't want to add more because i couldn't handle it. but really, a family member with cancer and a sixteen year old, someone's gotta help.

i hate holding everything on my shoulders. i hate stupid shit that doesn't matter. i hate being there for people when they wouldn't hop a puddle for you. i fucking hate it.

more days than not i'm in a pretty good mood, i laugh at everything and nothing bad really goes on in my mind (i thank kpop because honestly it's made me so much happier since i've gotten into it) but somedays i feel like shit and all this bad things go on through my head and i used to think it was depression but now i'm not sure, it could be anything really maybe just nothing idk

back to the friends not being there for anyone. my eldest cat (she's passed already and that's okay she's not in pain anymore) was sick. for a long time. and my mom told me last week she was sick and i told my friends. out of the 7 in the group text 2 responded. fucking two. one of them is also a cat lover and she might have felt some empathy because her cat was sick too. the other is in another fucking country and SHE had the time to respond. a different friend fucking probably only said anything because i sent her a text about nct and she said sorry about my cat. like thank you, it's better than nothing really but fucking answer your goddamn phone for once 

the others, i got a text from one about a blog post on bts, i ignored it cause i thought what the fuck seriously? i fucking cried for hours and that's it? i'm so fucking done. another friend didn't fucking say shit and just texted me about bts which i love bts but they were the last thing on my mind at that moment and i held back from yelling at her 'what the fuck' because a cat that i've had for 12 years is sick and you're just going to ignore it. ignore that a friend is hurting ignore that maybe just maybe a friend needs some picking up. someone to talk to. even if you can't relate it's your fucking duty as a friend to be there for them when they're hurt. really. is that so hard to understand?

i'm so so tired of all of this. one friend didn't reply at all and i'm pissed as hell as her. not just for this one time but because of so many other times she wasn't there. 

her puppy died and everyone, everyone even people she didn't know, were there for her. fucking she can't send a 'sorry about your cat' or some shit. a message that takes fucking what 10 seconds to type?

honestly i'm exhausted of this and i'm kinda ready to end every friendship i have because i don't know if i can go another 2 years of pretending nothing is wrong and this people care about me.

like i said they wouldn't jump a puddle for me

and then 2 friends wants everyone to stay together after graduation ? ? ? ? ?

IF WE CAN'T BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN WE'RE A CITY AWAY HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE CAN BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER IF WE'RE STATES, COUNTRIES OVER? ? ? ?? ?  ?

i'm so fucking angry

honestly people on insta are fucking nicer.

i told them about my sick cat and immediately got responses like 'i'm so sorry for your cat, i hope you're okay' 'my condolences to your family' etc but MY IRL FRIENDS CAN'T SAY ANYTHING????? I HATE THIS I HATE THIS UTTER BULLSHIT I HATE THAT I CAN'T FIND A NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS BECAUSE I GOT TO A TINY ASS SCHOOL OF 245ish PEOPLE AND THEY'RE NO BETTER.

I HATE THIS SO MUCH I WANT TO GRADUATE AND LEAVE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE BEHIND. I'M BLOCKING THEIR NUMBERS, DELETING MY EMAILS I AM STAYING SO FUCKING FAR AWAY FROM THEM AND THAT BULLSHIT SCHOOL 

i'm sorry i'm just so tired of this