Mercedes' Mountain

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The next couple of days were a complete emotional blur for me. It was hard to know when one day ended and the next began. Not once did I leave the house, and I couldn't seem to force myself to do anything beyond that which was necessary.

I stayed in bed until late each morning, because I slept so little at night. I had no appetite, so I ate very little. And most of my waking moments were spent sitting in the rocker in my bedroom staring up at the mountain through my window. At those times, I wondered if I would ever be able to go up there again.

I knew I needed to snap out of it, but the pain that consumed me was so bad, I couldn't seem to shake the sadness enough to be able to break free. And I missed Ethan more than I ever thought possible.

Each time I thought about how much I had hurt him and the way he left, the tears started again. I couldn't ever remember feeling so miserable and alone. Sadly, I knew it was my own fault. Because of my fears, I had driven the only man I ever loved away. Oh, how I hated myself for being so weak!

Not a minute went by that I didn't long to call him and beg him to be patient with me and not give up on us, but I knew I had no right to request any more of him than I already had. He had a right to be happy, to have someone that would love him and stay by his side no matter what. Unfortunately, I had lost some of my backbone with age. He deserved better. Maybe someone more mature. What a bitter irony!

I told myself over and over that this was for the best, hoping that I would soon start to believe it, that my heart would believe it. I didn't know if that would ever happen, but it was all I had to hold on to.

~~~~~~~~

The dawning of the third morning found me courageously hiking up the mountain in search of our spot among the wildflowers. I couldn't believe I was doing this, and I knew I would probably kick myself later, but I just couldn't stay away. I needed to feel close to Ethan, and I knew that I would if I went there.

Finding the exact spot wasn't hard. The square patch was still flat from where the blanket had lain. The area was still fresh and untouched. It was almost as if nature wanted to preserve it. Suddenly feeling even more alone, I knelt down in the middle of the spot and lightly touched the flattened flower stems.

I sighed painfully as memories of my time there with Ethan rushed in with force. The memory of the way it felt to be lying next to him as the sun warmed us, and the way he held me in his arms and kissed me over and over, caused a tangible warmth to spread through me.

I again heard the words he spoke to me that day when he told me he wanted me to be his wife. He wanted us to belong to each other. I wanted us to belong to each other. Oh, how I wanted that! I ached for it!

I sat back on the grass and closed my eyes against the searing tears that now burned in them, because I now realized I had thrown his love away. He had offered me everything, and I threw it back in his face. God had finally blessed me with someone who truly loved me, and I let confusion and doubt come between us. Why had I done it? Why couldn't I have been stronger? I was such a coward. I had been raised to fear nothing, but I had ended up fearing what I wanted most.

Feeling emotion begin to bubble to the surface and renew itself, I pressed my face into my hands and cried. I cried harder at that moment than I had since the night he left, and my insides churned with regret. "Oh, Ethan," I whispered, "I'm so sorry." My body involuntarily began to rock back and forth slightly as anguish tore at my heart. I wished so badly that I could take back what I said to him. But would he even have me now?

I continued to cry softly, oblivious to the beauty surrounding me. In fact, I was so lost in my pain that I was startled by the rich sound of Ethan's voice saying softly, "Please, don't cry anymore, agigau."

Feeling as if I was waking up from a dream, I dropped my hands and slowly looked up. It wasn't a dream. Ethan was standing before me, and he was real. He stood gazing down at me, the sunlight reflecting the tears streaming down his unshaven face, the pain in his eyes mirroring my own. I couldn't move. It took me a few seconds to grasp that he was really there.

He took his hands from his pocket and held them out to me. I tried to control the tremor in my own hands as I placed them in his. I stood, gripping his hands tightly, never wanting to let them go. Then, looking into my eyes, he said, "I'm so sorry, beloved."

With those four words, I was in his arms. "I'm sorry, too," I said, burying my face in his shirt. "I'm sorry about everything."

I felt, more than heard the soft sob that escaped him. We clung to each other like two people drowning. It felt so right and so good being in his arms again. It was where I was meant to be all along.

After a few moments, he pulled back slightly, took my face between his hands, and kissed the tears from my face. I closed my eyes and exhaled softly at the feel of his warm lips tenderly pressing against my skin. Then he hungrily took my mouth with his, ravaging it with intensity, and I wilted against him.

How I missed the taste of him, the scent of him, the feel of his arms around me. I felt life surge inside me once again with his healing touch, and I knew that I could never be without his love again. There would be no way I could survive.

He slowly parted his lips from mine and sighed. Then, blinking fresh tears onto his face, he took my ring from his pocket and placed it back on my finger, saying, "Nothing will ever come between us again." He looked at me intently. "I won't let anything come between us. I love you too much to ever let that happen. I couldn't bear it if I ever lost you."

I took his face between my hands and wiped his tears, then I pulled his head down and touched my lips softly to his. "You will never lose me," I whispered just before he fully claimed my mouth again.

And it was there among the wildflowers on our mountain, wrapped in Ethan's arms and surrounded by his love that I gained my strength. I would be his woman. I would be his wife. I would stay by his side and walk through this life with him, and together we would face whatever lay on the road ahead.