Strangers In A Dangerous World (Frikey)

Chapter Twenty: My Biggest Nightmare

Gerard pulled up in front of my house in his giant black car and helped me pull my things out of it. I walked slowly behind him and hear him ring our stupid doorbell. I shouldered all of the bags and waited for my mother to open the door. Gerard was about to ring again when the door swung open and revealed my mother standing there with her dark brown hair and brown eyes. She rushed over to me immediately and tried to hug me with tears in her eyes, but I pushed past her. I looked around my living room quickly and noticed that there wasn't a single man in the house. My mother was all alone. I just rolled my eyes and wondered how long I had left before the next one walked through the door. I shuffled under the heavy weight of my guitar, toiletries, and guitar trying to get into my room as quick as possible. I dumped everything on my bed before I slammed the door angrily and moved my desk chair underneath the doorknob so no one could get in. I didn't want to see anyone -no, that wasn't true. I wanted to see Mikey.

At the mention of Mikey's name I looked down at my beautiful guitar and let the first set of tears escape from my eyes. They made trails down my cheeks, dripped down from my chin, and landed in my lap. I watched them collect of my jeans and spread on the fabric. I could hear someone coming towards my room, but I didn't care. They weren't the ones I wanted to see. I heard the final floorboard creak outside of my room, and I heard them sigh once before knocking. I didn't even try to stop the tears or the hurt in my voice when I addressed them, "I'm not hungry, thirsty, feeling talkative, or really caring for that matter. Don't come back later. Goodbye."

I heard the same sigh from outside of my door, but I couldn't tell if it was my mother or Gerard until they spoke, "Frank, please open up. I want to give you something before I leave."

"If it's a hug, you can shove it up your ass. Now please, just leave." I started pulling my guitar out of my case. I was going to start playing it loudly and plug it into the amp that was in my room, but Gerard's next words stopped me.

"It's not a hug, Frank. I have something for you, and I think that you will want it pretty badly. Please, open up." Gerard sounded heartbroken but there was no way that he could feel half the pain that I was experiencing.

"If it's small, then pass it under the door and, please, don't come back unless you are actually working for the right people." I paused, "You know what the saddest part of this is, Gerard? It's that I actually trusted you. It's that I loved your brother and you just split us apart. Last time I checked big brothers are supposed to protect the younger ones." I was going off on Gerard, but I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to make everyone around me suffer as badly as I was.

"See Frank, that's what you don't understand. I am protecting my brother. I've been protecting him my whole life. I know that both of you do not see this, but I am. If you would've stayed then they would've tracked him down and he would've been arrested for keeping you at such a young age. It would've been the equivalent of a kidnapping." Gerard stopped and I could hear the hurt and pain that was trying to escape from him, but I wanted him to cry. I wanted him to be miserable and know what he did wasn't right for either me or Mikey.

"Gerard, please just leave me alone. It hurts too much right now and I don't know how much more pain I can take. It feels like someone has cut open my chest and keeps kicking my heart. It feels like each kick is making my heart beat, making me breath one more time. I want the kicking to stop, Gerard. I've been kicked enough to know that you can only take so much before you pass out. You can only do so much to stop it from hurting. You are only as strong as your weakest link." I stopped talking and my anger got the best of me. I threw a glass across the room and I watched it shatter into a million pieces in front of me.

"Frank, promise me you won't do anything stupid. Please, promise me?" I lay down on my bed and placed my guitar carefully beside me and I stayed quiet until Gerard sounded panicked, "Frank, please! Don't do this. You don't know what it would do to Mikey. Please, think twice before you do this."

My voice sounded unemotional as I spoke again, "No promises, Gerard. I'm not making any more promises. Now, please leave me alone." The second wave of tears washed over me and a loud sob escaped my lips. I thought I heard Gerard whimper from outside of my door, but I couldn't be positive. I heard something sliding under my door and I watched as a folded piece of paper slid underneath. I walked quietly over to the door and made sure not to make a sound as I bent down. The paper was halfway on my side and halfway on the other. I heard Gerard start to turn away before I pulled the paper into my room. I heard Gerard stop and I knew that he was watching the door. I opened the old folded paper and I let out another loud cry as I stared back at my handwriting. It was the song that I had made up. I read over the lyrics again and I noticed someone else's handwriting at the bottom. It definitely wasn't mine. It was really small and I had to squint to see it. It was still pretty impossible with the tears that were flowing freely down from my eyes, but I made out three words: Mikey's phone number.

I ran back over onto my bed and grabbed the guitar. I wanted Gerard to know that I had gotten his message. I hooked my guitar up to the amps and turned it pretty high before I played the first chord. I leaned back on the door and I heard Gerard coming back. I kept playing it and playing it so Gerard knew that I wasn't going to end myself. I kept playing it to erase all of the pain and fear for what was next. I was playing it to say that I was wrong and stupid. I was playing it to say I was beautiful and ugly. I was playing to show that I was dead while alive. I was playing to let Gerard know that I am me and I wasn't going to change. I played it for the depression and the sadness. I played it for the happiness and laughter. I played it for the beatings and the bruises I had endured. I played it for the ones who could hear and the ones who couldn't. I played it for Mikey and I played it for me. I played it for the fucking world and the dreams I had crushed to get here. I played it until my fingers bled and Gerard left leaving me alone for the first time in a long time.

I set my guitar down and my life felt vacant and empty. I turned my speakers and amps off. I placed the guitar and the music sheet into my case. I curled up into a ball on the floor and tried to hold myself together. So many emotions were crawling through my body. I want to die, but I wanted to live. I wanted to be alone, but I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to hold it all inside, but I needed to vent. The conflicting emotions created whirlpools and storms that were constantly crashing together. It physically hurt me to think about anything. I was longing for the feeling to feel nothing at all. I pulled the covers down from my bed and wrapped them around me on the floor. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to blink. I just closed my eyes and tried to keep my head clear. I felt this deep longing come over my body before it finally hit me. I was never going to see Mikey again. I was never going to enter that apartment. I was never going to hear his laugh or see his smile. I curled in on myself even more. I was shaking all over and my giant comforter wasn't doing anything. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I stood up from my place on the floor and I slowly walked into the bathroom. With a shaking hand I pulled out two pills that helped me sleep when I was sick. For the first time in my life I swallowed two unnecessary pills. I climbed back onto my spot on the floor and tried not to think of anything. I closed my eyes and all I saw was Mikey's smile. I saw us lying on the bed each night talking. I saw Mikey asleep. I felt like my heart was dragging itself on a rocky ground. I felt my heart starting to react to the pills. My thoughts became blurred and I only hoped that I didn't dream because I was already living in a nightmare. He was actually gone. I pulled the blanket over my head and my eyes started closing on their own. I felt no relief in my sleep. There was thoughts zooming around and I finally learned my lesson.

We were all truly strangers in the end.

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Authors Note:

I was writing the last chapter which is the next chapter and my keyboard died :'c

Song Of The Moment: Don't Go- Bring Me The Horizon